Struggling so much please help

I've been struggling with many themes for years. For the past two years it's been POCD in particular. I've been trying to use acceptance and keep moving forward. Every time I see someone on social media who I may think is attractive I get really scared and start doing compulsions such as searching for their age. Even if the person looks soooo much older than me I still feel the need to do that compulsion. I'm trying my best to reduce it though. Now I'm panicking about something that happened a little while ago. I've been trying not to confess but I can't do it anymore. Basically I saw a girl on social media and thought she was attractive. My OCD gives me false attention a lot of the time and it's really hard to tell the difference. Immediately I started to panic and got the urge to search for her age as I normally do when I find someone attractive. After sooo long I couldn't find her age and I knew the only way I was going to get relief was to ask for reassurance. So basically what I did was I told my friend group that I think she's attractive. I thought to myself that if they agree then I would get some relief. My friend agreed and I felt so much relief. I still felt the urge to figure out her age though. I wasn't looking as much as before but I still ended up finding it suddenly. This is when things got really bad for me and I started to panic even more. I'm 17 years old and I found out the girl was 14!!!! I started to freak out and I did so much rumination trying to figure out if I actually felt attracted to her or if it was just my OCD symptoms. Obviously the rumination made things worse. This was weeks ago and I kept trying my best to put off asking for more reassurance and confessing. I kept trying to say to myself "maybe, maybe not" and that I just need to accept what happened and move on. I just can't do this anymore. I needed to confess today. What's making me even more terrified is the fact that I confessed it to a friend group. I keep getting thoughts like "what if that conversation gets leaked and people think you're a bad person". I really don't know what to do. I feel so hopeless. I would have never said that if I had known her age before hand. I feel so guilty. Not only is she younger but I'm straight!!!! So I'm also panicking about the fact that she's a girl. Why on earth would I feel like this?! I kept trying to check myself and look at other photos and videos of the girl to see if I'd feel anything and thankfully I didn't. It was just that one video she was in. I don't understand why that happened! I'm trying to just say to myself that these things happen sometimes and I just need to move on but it's so difficult!! I can't believe people without ocd would not be over thinking this at all!!! I start therapy with NOCD in about two weeks so I'm really hoping that will help. Sorry for the long post. Thank you for reading. Please try not to give me reassurance in the comments but do share if you've been through something similar and what helped you stop ruminating and move on.

Hopeful soul

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

My heart goes to you Sarah. I’ve been obsessing over peoples names similar to you with ages. For some reason I want to know what their name is to feel satisfy. I ruminate thinking about this and it’s really debilitating because there are so many people out there and my mind wants to remember everyone. I have not yet been diagnosed with pocd but after reading your post, I’m now more certain that I have it. I just wanna thank you for sharing because you have helped me realize my problem that began a month ago. I can feel that now I’m going to focus on getting better and trying to get out of the ruminating and temptations to find names or remember things. What has helped me stay “sane” is to let go of forgetting someone’s name even when there is anxiety to built up myself and be able to not feel the urge or have it under control. My advice for you is to forgive yourself and write it down to close the chapter to move on. From now on try not to think or look at someone’s age if for a fact you won’t be dating them. Remember you wanna do things with intention not for ruminating. For example, if you like someone on social media and you know you’ll never meet this person then there is no need for you to find their age. If you come across someone you like that becomes a possibility for you to date then at that point you can ask their age directly cause that’s the intention and not because of rumination. Once again my heart goes to you and stay strong. Please feel free to message me.

Sarahhhhh

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Thank you so so so much for commenting! You don't understand how much you've helped me! I'm so glad I was able to help you a little too. I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through. It really is so frustrating! You're totally right in your advice for me! I think I find it very difficult to accept that as humans we may think or feel certain things that dont align with the people we are. This is why I try to remind myself that it doesn't matter if its OCD or not because I'd never act on this. I just need to learn to forgive myself and move forward. I would NEVER date a 14 year old!! I'd like to make that very clear! I actually don't even have any desire to be with that girl in any way at all!!! Not only is she young but I'm not gay. I can't wait to learn to trust myself. It will make things a lot easier. I really look forward to the day that these things don't control my life anymore. I feel scared to leave these things behind me because I don't want it to represent me as a person. Its not a part of who I want to be. I absolutely love your mindset and I have hope that you will also recover from this very soon! You're doing very well!! I actually haven't had an official diagnosis as well. I've been suffering from intrusive thoughts, urges, feelings, sensations and images ever since I can remember. I truly believe it's ocd. I have my first therapy appointment here very soon! I look forward to getting help and learning more about what I'm going through. Thank you once again and feel free to talk to me anytime! X

Hopeful soul

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Sarahhhhh I’m happy that you are starting therapy very soon. I start therapy next week and I can’t wait to get some feedback and also tools to beat “the doubt” disease. I also love your mindset and it sounds to me that you will benefit a lot from the treatments and which will free your mind even more. The process won’t be easy but worth it. I have already try the ERP treatment which includes resisting and I have felt a lot better. I’ve been practicing it since two days ago and I had urges and anxiety but I just sat there and let it take it’s course. I started to feel a little better after that little experiment. Today it was not a good day for me because I’m was not sure what was happening to me but now I feel better because of your post and I feel I can focus and tackle this problem because I identify myself with your experience. Please keep in touch

Sarahhhhh

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Hopeful soul Thank you so much once again! I'm glad we had this conversation and were able to help each other! Always remember that you may have bad days but you have the power to get back up again and keep trying! I wish you all the best!! We've got this!💗

Hopeful soul

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Sarahhhhh Good Morning Sarah. I’m trying my best to stay positive and calm but some days are very hard. I have my first therapy session next week and I’m hoping to get some insight as to what’s happening to me. I also think that anxiety gets in the way of getting better and so I hope to see a doctor to help me manage it. I hope you have a wonderful day and remember that you are not alone in this. The stronger we are, the easier it becomes to handle ocd

danielllll

Date posted: 16w

Feeling extremely guilty and don’t know what to do

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.

Givenup

Date posted: 16w

Pocd and anxiety

I hope someone can respond... Im genuinely so triggered and so anxious... Dr disrespect was accused of inappropriately messaging and sending explicit images to a minor, and trying to meet up with them at twitchcon... my POCD is saying that my situation with me venting about 18+ explicit HOCD stuff to people in the PM's on an OCD groupchat I found from NOCD, including the minors, when I was 19, means that I am just as bad as they are... or worse... I pm'ed them from the support group and vented to them in private (including the minors) about my 18+ explicit HOCD struggles... one was uncomfortable by it so i stopped venting to her after she told me she was uncomfortable by it twice... the other gave me reassurance so i kept asking her for reassurance for my 18+ hocd struggles... I dont ever want to ever be attracted to minors in any way... I dont ever want to ever engage in any inappropriate relations with minors in any way... i dont ever want to EVER be a MAP, a P, or a gro*mer in any way... I dont ever want to be what my pocd says about me... im so scared... someone said that I need help, that I need to turn myself in, and that im hiding behind a diagnosis because of this situation... i genuinely feel so hopeless... I dont ever want to ever be a monster...

Givenup

Date posted: 15w

Pocd and triggered

I hope someone can respond... Im genuinely so triggered and so anxious... This actor was accused of grooming, giving and receiving explicit videos of underage women, and harassing women... my POCD is saying that my situation with me venting about 18+ explicit HOCD stuff to people in the PM's on an OCD groupchat I found from NOCD, including the minors, when I was 19, means that I am just as bad as they are... or worse... I pm'ed them from the support group and vented to them in private (including the minors) about my 18+ explicit HOCD struggles... one was uncomfortable by it so i stopped venting to her after she told me she was uncomfortable by it twice... the other gave me reassurance so i kept asking her for reassurance for my 18+ hocd struggles... I dont have any feelings towards minors in any way... the most i ever did was ask the 17 year old "what you bouta do about it 😂😂" when she told me to stop putting myself down when i was 19... i didnt pursue anything with her because of my age... im 23 now... i dont ever want to ever be with minors in any way...I dont ever want to ever be attracted to minors in any way... I dont ever want to ever engage in any inappropriate relations with minors in any way... i dont ever want to EVER be a MAP, a P, or a gro*mer in any way... I dont ever want to be what my pocd says about me... im so scared... plus now its saying that I called the second minor "cute" when i have no recollection of ever doing so... im also scared that I will get cancelled or being misunderstood because of this... someone said that I need help, that I need to turn myself in, and that im hiding behind a diagnosis because of this situation... i genuinely feel so hopeless...

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Struggling so much please help

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