i have intrusive thoughts and they make me want to die

Try likening the thoughts to cars on a highway. There are ton of cars (thoughts) speeding about; instead of tracking a car (thought) like a hawk and watching its entire journey, let the thoughts pass. That is, let the cars drive on out of view. They may circle back around, but that’s okay. You’re a great distance from the highway, and can see them for what they are: fleeting chemical reactions that come and go. They don’t define you.

It’s quite a pain! But the harder we try to “stop thinking,” the more we think. In my experience so far, I’ve seen that managing and coping with OCD is mostly about reframing my relationship to thoughts and feelings, not stopping the experience of them. They are only that. They are not our identities.

It’s very hard not to ruminate. I think the fact that you ruminate about these thoughts tells you who you are because you know that those thoughts are not a part of you. They happen to all of us I think of things that I don’t want to all the time but I know that how much I don’t want those thoughts tells me who I am. They happen for reasons we don’t understand yet. And we can’t push them away because that makes them more prominent so just except that they are there but as Doug said they are not our identities.

@v are you seeing a therapist or on medication? I was in your situation a few months ago. Life was miserable. But once I started going to therapy regularly and taking medication I started to feel better. Keep fighting!

it’s just so hard not to ruminate

I like what @Doug said.That is good advice for everyone