sorry..

I need a space to breathe and rant and get stuff off my chest so this is what I’m using this for now. I hate being angry. I hate it so much cause I always feel like I have less control over my thoughts and feelings and it makes me feel like I have no control over possible actions etc. which makes it really hard with harm ocd. But it feels like an endless loop, because my ocd is so frustrating it makes me angry, and that makes me feel less in control, so the circle continues. It sucks feeling like if anyone knew what it looked like sometimes inside your head, maybe they wouldn’t love you and they wouldn’t see you the same way. I feel so lonely and hollow that days. I have so many “friends” but they all make me feel more lonely, cause everything is so superficial and pointless and sitting with them just makes me feel like I need to withdraw deeper into myself because they don’t get it and they don’t really want to get it or care. I want to scream and cry cause I can’t control anything. I can’t stop the people I love from dying one day, I cant stop time, and I can’t keep things the same forever. I’m so tired of doubting everything about myself. Am I a pedophile? Am I a danger to my loved ones? Am I psychotic? Ya da ya da ya da. This endless anxiety I have it feels like it’s slowly killing me and it’s making me depressed. I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept for two nights and I mean like at all. I forget to eat I get so anxious and either way I sometimes feel so nauseous I don’t want to eat. My family doesn’t really get it, to them ocd is always just an excuse, or it’s for drama. I have tried to ease myself into the idea that maybe everything is chaos. Bad things happen to good people everything has an end, etc. it’s much easier said than done. If life is an ever changing stormy sea of waves than I’m barely clinging onto anything.

Feeling like I am mourning a bit for all the years of OCD, and for all the days that have been so difficult to get through the day, where I get stopped and have to put in a lot of effort mentally before I can go back to my daily tasks. Ended up in tears tonight. I barely ever cry. In some ways, I feel like death. I am not suicidal. I don’t mean that. But it’s a good description for how I feel. I don’t know what to do with myself. And I don’t know what to do to go forward. No one understands me. I know you all do. But almost everyone does not, and my immediate family does not. They do not know how hard things have been. I am tired of all the effort it takes to get through the day. I am so tired from all my daily effort that I don’t have energy to express myself and how I feel inside. And it seems like no one in this world really cares anyway. I say this not as a pity party, but because it’s true. People don’t care about each other anymore. I don’t know what to do with myself tonight. I am going to go downstairs and eat some food. Then, after I have been sad for a while, I am going to get back into life…This is the decision that I have made. I am tired of never letting anyone know how I feel inside. I am tired of people not understanding. I am tired of all my confusion and my perfectionism. I am tired of my constant fear. I am tired of all the effort it takes to do anything in life because mentally I am trying to keep myself safe. I don’t know what to do with the “tiredness.” It’s there every day. I don’t know how to move beyond my issues. I have constant confusion, overthinking, and fear.

sometimes when I read all these posts I just start crying 😭😭 I hate that we are all suffering like this… ocd is not for the weak and its so frustrating 😭 Im really tired honestly… my ocd has its good and bad days but im just exhausted by all of it. I cant enjoy simple things because my ocd has to overcomplicate every little thing and create these “signs” as to what I am and what I am not. Ive had ocd for over a year now im a just upset 😭😭😭 I dont want to live like this forever… I have a lot of people who say, “you can talk to me if you want” and its really sweet 💓 but I dont think anyone can understand what I am feeling because even I cant… I dont know what im doing- how im feeling- who I am- or even what my values are 😭 ocd just makes me question everything. I am a 14 year old girl 😭😭😭 how am I supposed to know what to do? Ive talked mom about my ocd a few times and she tries to help but she doesn’t even understand 1/5th of what I go through daily. I appreciate her caring even if its a little but I just want some help 😭😭 I am a bit scared of therapy though. But im willing to try but im not sure if my mom will let me… Ocd just makes me feel so unlovable. I hate it.