Anyone else feel like they don’t know who they are?

I’ve had a change of heart - it’s not that I don’t know who I am. It’s just that I see myself as a person who is constantly stressed out and anxious about everything. That has become my identity, and I often wonder who I would be without it.

To say that it changes the way I live my life is an understatement. I am barely getting by finishing college work. While I do well in school, I still like to think that much of my lack of motivation to reach my full potential comes from the constant fatigue that I experience while dealing with all of this.

I have to try hard to do small things, such as feel excited over something. What I feel to be my depression has taken away the simplest pleasures of life, and I find myself trying hard to become the person I think I would’ve been.

OCD sucks away all emotion from me besides anxiety, stress, and fear. This is the reason why I am stuck not knowing what to say in conversations. I may seem dull and lifeless, but that’s because I’m so used to being in my head 24/7, that reality feels imagined, and my mind feels like reality. It’s sad that the one thing I can talk for hours about is mental health. No job, no friends, hardly any hobbies or areas of interest that make me seem any way appealing to people. Which is why I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to hang out with me. Part of the reason why I’m so quiet is because I don’t know what else to say, seeing as how I haven’t explored any part of myself without the OCD / mental health issues. It almost makes me feel like a stranger in my own skin.

It changed the way I could have lived my life. I know regrets are wasteful, so I’m not going to go into that now. However, it’s everyday that I really feel like shit about something. I think I’m going through more than OCD - there’s just too much happening to pinpoint back to one condition. Yes, a lot of my life is OCD. However, I feel that I am showing signs of what I assume could be depression. I’ve had panic disorder for the majority of my like, all self diagnosed. Not knowing exactly what I have has been another burden. I’m in the dark, and thus, can’t receive proper treatment effectively. Everything is a struggle, but OCD is my main area of focus right know, as it’s the thing that amplifies every other problem area.

I would like to believe that my presence in this world makes a difference. Like I deserve to take up space. But honestly, I’m taking up so much time in my life doing useless things, it may as well be a waste. I know it’s not terribly uncommon for people with OCD to not receive proper treatment, or receive it way later in life, heck, it’s in the statistics. But I thought I’d also mention it stings when you’re seeing a therapist who can’t quite figure it out, which makes me feel like I’m a burden that is too heavy for everyone to carry. I really want to take it easier on myself, but as with everything, I don’t know how. I accept uncertainty about a lot of things I don’t realise, such as whether or not I will get better one day. So it doesn’t make sense that I’m trying to grip onto certainty through my compulsions. It’s all one big shit show and I hate the way it makes me feel. I feel worse when I succumb to the feeling of uncertainty, but then again, I am able to convince myself time and time again that “this is the last time.”

Having said that, I still struggle with self acceptance. Although I don’t see how I can have that without getting properly treated. The C part of CBT is super important, as important as ERP. I have failed numerous times at both, so honestly, why am I surprised that I can’t love myself?

All of this is giving me a headache. If you read this, thank you. I’m sure there’s more I want to say, although I didn’t expect for this to turn out as a reflection post. Feel free to drop your comments below ⬇️