Tinnitus

I’ve been a bit of wreck this whole day. Today, I went to an ENT appointment I set up to address potential hearing loss issues that I have been experiencing for a while now. The result of that was the diagnosis of bilateral sensorineural hearing loss (mild hearing loss in both ears). I’ve been ruminating and catastrophizing all day today cause I feel like my world is crumbling (despite me knowing that I could still live a fruitful life). I’m not afraid of losing my hearing per se, but rather, the implications of it and how drastically my life will change. I won’t be able to make music and films the same way anymore, or enjoy it like I used to. I won’t be able to work day jobs that require me to use hearing. Without financial security, I won’t be able to take care of myself. I’d to get to rekindle my appreciation and knowledge of ASL cause I think it’s a useful skill, but I’m just really anxious. I’ve already been struggling a lot due to other factors in my life, and I find myself thinking about death pretty often, but I have no desire to die. It just seems like the only escape. I’m very scared and full of grief. I want to resolve all this conflict now, cause I feel a giant sense of urgency but I can’t. That’s what’s killing me right now. I know I can’t solve it all, and a big factor of OCD is being okay with uncertainty, but I can’t fathom that. I’m so frustrated and I’m tired of suffering. I just want my physical and mental health intact.

Here is what I say to people: I wish I could make it stop. I really do. I also wish I could stop tinnitus. What is tinnitus, you may ask? Well, have you ever gone to a loud concert and after it had a ringing in your ears. Or, in movies when a loud explosion hears, first it is often muffled, and then there is a very loud ringing sound. Well, I have hear that sound for over 30 years. Turns out the medications I took as a kid for allergies and all the antibiotics I was on for Strep had a side effect for some people - tinnitus - that sound that I have heard every decade, year, month, day, hour, and second, for the past 30 years. I have learned to live with it. As I type this, it is REALLY loud, because I am paying attention to it. But, in a few minutes it will fade into the background, and, while I will hear it, I will not pay much attention to it, and therefore I will go on with my night. I will listen to music, practice my story for the MOTH radio hour, and work out. I will clean up the kitchen and load the dishwasher, and I will eventually get ready for bed. I will go to bed hearing that sound, and fall asleep for a few hours until tomorrow morning when I start the day all over again. I cannot make the sound stop. There is nothing to do for it - no surgery or medication. Just learning to live with it, and that is what I have done. It is the thing that I hate the most in my life, and, if granted three wishes, it would be the first thing to change. For now, as I have for 30 years, I will live with it, and I will ask you to live with your noises in your head - the thoughts, the images, and the urges, and we will practice together accepting that things are not always as we want them, but we can handle that. We got this.

i’ve been struggling with tics a lot lately. my doctor and neurologist are still unsure whether it’s a tic disorder like tourette’s, or if it’s myoclonic absence seizures i’m having. i’m getting an EEG done soon, but does anyone else have this or know someone who does??