Hate urges

Pocd feels real again and I can’t tell if I’m actually attracted or not. can’t believe it got this bad again. I used to be able to go “no I don’t like that, go away” and now it feels like I do like it and want it, and it’s starting to linger longer so it feels more real. I’m avoiding checking but I’m so scared that what if it’s true. Is it because I have not been doing my exposures? I’m not sure, but every time a 14 year old person comes to my head, I keep hearing something go “they’re attractive” and it sounds like me so I panic, and it makes me even more scared because I’m not feeling bad about it??? I saw some kid at Walmart that had long black hair and my brain kept saying shit and no matter how much I say I don’t feel that way, it won’t shut up, i want to check 1000 times to make sure. But I know it’s not worth it. I’m trying so hard

I feel so freaking scared. I know I’ll have an intrusive thought/urge and whatever I know I’m going to fight off another compulsion until I eventually give in bc I’m still so new to this. I am petrified and I feel like I cannot for the life of me relax. I’m sleep deprived, in a terrible place hormonally, withdrawing from meds, and being treated like a burden by people around me. I literally feel like I can’t do this. I keep thinking about those posts where people talk about the hypothetical scenarios where you learn your death date. I feel like if someone told me I’d die soon, I would cry of relief. I would never hurt myself but boy do I not want to experience this anymore.

I am struggling right now with intrusive harm urges. They feel real and it feels like I am going to act any second. It feels like I have to hold myself back, which is a scary thoughts. I am trying so hard not to compulse, but does anyone have tips on what they do in these situations?