Can someone talk to me. I’m freaking out

@ashleyrenee I’m crying so much. Ocd ruins everything. Sorry if this too much. I’ve been seeing someone and I feel like I’m Falling for them. We’ve been dating for a month. I’ve been struggling with contamination ocd and hiv fear ocd. I had slept with someone last year and he left the condom here at my place because I told him I wanted to check it myself in case I get paranoid. I left it behind it the toilet this whole time. The guy who I’m seeing now came over tonight and I didn’t think he’d see the condom and confronted me about it and now it made it seem like I’m sleeping around when he’s been the only one I’ve been with. I finally admitted to him that I struggle alot with anxiety ocd and even showed him this app and my last post about him because I’m struggling. I will be distraught if he doesn’t want to see me anymore. I understand as a man, it can be very triggering and I get him so much and im understanding but it kills me that my ocd brain just ruins everything for me. I almost don’t want to live anymore of how debilitating it is. I really like him and I’m so scared. He’s so perfect in every way and I haven’t been treated so great in so many years

@ashleyrenee I’m so embarrassed for having to share this part of myself so soon as I’m afraid it can push him away and second I’m now scared he thinks I’m a hag or that he can’t trust me in the future. I’m just embarrassed and humiliated. Ocd ruins my life. I ruin my life. Why can’t have good things? Why can’t I not be at peace? Why did I ruin this situation. I hate this life so much. I’m such a good person, I haven’t been in love in years, I haven’t had someone like me in so long like this. Im tired and I just feel like I can’t have anything good in this world. Im such a good person and I love so hard

@Monitica I’m so sorry 🥺 please remember that you’re so strong, and that you are not your OCD. I would continue to be honest with him, and also please remember to be kind to yourself, too. I understand that OCD can be so so debilitating, and I have also gotten to the point of not wanting to live because of it. It hurts so bad and I’m so so sorry you are going through this. Do you guys plan on meeting again to talk things out further? Or maybe over the phone? Maybe it will be good for both of you to communicate and make absolutely sure there’s no miscommunication between you, if you haven’t already. Again, I’m so sorry you are dealing with this 🥺 if you need to vent more I’m here!

@ashleyrenee Thank you so much for your time and your words. It is definitely debilitating. I am absolutely embarrassed more than anything. For him to see my neurotic behavior and to admit that I’m struggling since we’re still so new. I’m so ashamed. He said he needed time to think and I respect it. I’ve been nothing but honest since the moment he confronted me. I was in tears aside from again being so embarrassed. I told him what I go through and even showed him this app and that I went through therapy over the past couple years. He’s been the best thing that’s happened to me. I cried all night and I haven’t slept. I calmed down and just ready to accept whatever comes out of this. Thank you for talking to me. It really helps.

@Monitica Of course! Please remember to take it easy on yourself, and I’m so so sorry you have to go through this. OCD sucks so bad. 🥺 You’re so strong, and I’m really proud of you for getting through this. You deserve so much love and happiness and I’m so sorry that OCD is making you feel like you don’t. You have done everything right in this situation, you shouldn’t have to deal with it in the first place and I’m really sorry that you are 🥺🤍 I hope you’re doing okay right now. And yeah for sure! I know how debilitating this can be. We stick together 🤍🤍

@ashleyrenee Thank you. I feel so much pain. I can’t stop ruminating. I feel like he’s less into me now. He saw me yesterday and I spilled it all out. He hasn’t texted me in a few hours and that’s rare. I think im going to tell him we should stop seeing each other. I can’t handle my mind.