Real event guilt 18+ ONLY

My ocd has gotten so bad and now I’m obsessing over something that happened years ago. I’m 22 now and the thing I’m worrying about happened when I was in high school. I’m so deeply ashamed and embarrassed and I feel like I’ve ruined my relationship with my mom because of it. Also sorry for the tmi. In high school I used my electric toothbrush as a vibrator, and I kept it in the bathroom to not arise suspicion. I think I used a different toothbrush to actually brush my teeth lol. Then one day maybe for Christmas I’m not sure i forget my mom bought me and my sister new electric toothbrushes. She said she could just use my old one. I freaked out and didn’t know how to get out of it like I didn’t know what to do so I just let her take it. I went through a long period where I obsessed so much over how disgusting that was and how could I let her use that. I think that was probably that start of my real event and contamination ocd, I remember worrying nonstop about it and feeling immense guilt. I obviously know intention wise I just didn’t know what to do and how to get out of that situation, there was no bad intent I just didn’t know what to do. I wish I had just told her like no I want to keep my old toothbrush or something like that. But I know what’s done is done. I felt a lot of shame but eventually moved on from it. I recently went through a breakup with my ex of 4 years and since then all my ocd themes have been absolutely horrible, and I’m freaking out about it. I feel like I’m lying to my mom and that I am the worst person for what I did and it’s really distressing because I really value my relationship with my mom and it feels like I’m disgusting and I worry about like would she hate me if she knew? If I think logically I know that although it would be an uncomfortable conversation I don’t really think that’s something she would hate me for. She’s an understanding person and I think yeah of course she would think it’s gross but I don’t think she’d like disown me. I just fear the worst and feel this need to confess but I don’t think I can ever tell her that because it’s just so gross. I’m obsessing over is this something even a person without ocd would be so ashamed of? Or maybe just the way I’m taking it to the extreme in terms of guilt is my ocd. It’s just really hard to feel like maybe it’s not ocd and it’s just like actually a horrible thing that I did.

Real Events OCD

Lalilolou

Date posted: 2y

Don’t confess! It’s a compulsion! If you didn’t have ocd you wouldn’t even be worrying about this. Your mom most likely doesn’t remember. And it does NOT make you a bad person to not tell her

seagull2

Date posted: 2y

I agree. The comment from Anonymous is very triggering and not what they should have said. We all do things in our earlier years that other people do but don't think about. This is OCD doing this to you. Please look into exposure therapy. You can beat this!

nocduser2536...

Date posted: 2y

@seagull2 Thank you for the nice comments :)

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@seagull2 I’m the only anonymous on this post so I assume you’re talking about me. This brings to light something that I have been rather confused about in this app/community. I’m completely new to therapy and communities like this so I don’t know what or how I’m supposed to say things to sensitive people. You called my comment “triggering” yet my comment was very similar to this one you responded to other than the fact that it answered the OP’s question of “is this something even a person without OCD would be ashamed of” (which I thought was a good question). The answer is a resounding yes, but I also clearly stated that obsessing over it years later is probably OCD and, almost just like what this person you responded to said, said the mom (non-ocd person) probably doesn’t even remember the toothbrush at all (which was me implying that she shouldn’t bring it up to her/confess but maybe I should’ve made that more clear). So what about my comment is so egregious? I know I’m not good at adding inspirational stuff but I didn’t know this wasn’t even a safe space to honestly answer questions that were literally asked. My comment was completely non-judgemental and straightforward. If it’s the “disgusting and unacceptable” part that was triggering, I was simply answering the question in a way that it would need to be answered for myself. I need certainty and the scope of it. If I wanted to know how someone without OCD felt about something, I would want to know how they felt on a scale of “just kind of bother by it” to “disgusting and unacceptable” (which is where I am on the scale for most things). I wanted to give that answer because I’m often in situations where I don’t think someone without OCD would relate at all and therefore it would affect how I’d go about it.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@seagull2 But this also leads to something else I’ve been thinking about regarding this community: It’s like the blind leading the blind. NOCD and users can’t expect everyone on here to know what to say and how to say it to everyone. This is an open forum full of people who are like me when just months ago I thought I was completely alone. I’m going buck-wild. I’m 20 years old and entirely new to all of this. Of course I don’t know what to say. Haven’t even had my first appointment yet. How can this be a “safe space” if people weren’t taught how to make it safe? And even then that leaves the people like me who can’t express themselves as themselves feeling “unsafe” to open up at all out of fear of reactions like yours

seagull2

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous You're right. I'm sorry for the rash comment. We have to be okay with the possibility or fact that our real events or stories are uncomfortable and we just have to accept it and move on. It is OCD to linger on it. It's common in life to have regrets that there's not much you can do about, but lingering on them is OCD. I provided reassurance then said do exposures which means "I don't know and I have to accept what this might mean about me." You're right you have the right impression the only way we will overcome this disease is living with uncertainty and therefore, being uncomfortable and realizing we just are not going to be comfortable in all of life. Uncomfortableness doesn't mean we have to stop everything to be comfortable. We have to persist, like learning any other skill. I'm learning this at my new job which I am pretty stressed at but that's the way it is. Anything new is going to take getting used to. Thank you for correcting me.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@seagull2 This was a very good interaction Seagull2. Thanks for actually hearing me out. I didn’t know how stuff like this usually goes on here

Parker_b

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w

Sexual Real event ocd.

Getting eaten alive by thoughts right now, when I was a child me and other kids around my age would experiment and do things we shouldn’t have, I’m talking very young, like 3-5 as I got older I was for whatever reason always curious to a horrible extent and it lead me to do in appropriate things to kids around me, I was 7-8 at the time. I would say it happened 3 times in total in my childhood. And i eventually told my parents the last time it happened because even though I didn’t know it at the time. I had ocd. And I knew it was bad. That was when it all started. I feel absolutely disgusted with my 7 year old self and it comes up every once in a while especially when I hear anything about sexual abuse. I’m nearly 20 now and I enjoy my life for the most part and I’ve been down the ocd path before but I feel unforgivable. And I never want to tell anyone about it, but my ocd seems to want that. I have a beautiful girlfriend that had some traumatic things happen to her and I love her with my soul. I don’t ever want that to come up. Because that’s not who I am. When will I be able to forgive myself? If at all I hope I’m not alone.

Real Events OCD

emma345

Date posted: 18w

Reocd but actually did something bad

17f I have a lot of events, but my main and my worst one which is absolutely fucking diabolical was done when I was 14 and repeated when I was 16. Everytime I post something about real event ocd here people are like you are probably didn't do anything that bad, and when they hear what I did they are like yeah that's bad. Someone even asked me if I'm autistic cause "it's crazy how you didn't realize that the thing ypu were doing was wrong at this age." And I kinda agree, like it's fucked up It's just that my event is bad. Doesn't mean I don't have real event ocd. You can have a reocd over the event that was bad, it doesn't mean the event wasn't that bad or you don't have recod. It's just people always expect it to be something innocent and it's not Even a healthy person would feel guilty over it, it's just that I had ocd my whole life and it's making the guilt absolutely destructive, like to the point when I sometimes have a hard time breathing when I think about it, I lost more than a year of life to it, almost checked myself out couple of times if I wasn't so scared of pain/failure, the event haunts me in my dreams, it's in my head 24/7 and I will never able to forgive myself. That ocd. But the event itself was bad. So maybe i deserve it.

danielllll

Date posted: 16w

Feeling extremely guilty and don’t know what to do

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.

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Real event guilt 18+ ONLY

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