Ocd latching onto people you care about

How do you guys deal with depersonalization as a result of existential OCD? I normally go through phases of OCD tendencies, and my last one was centered on ROCD - I guess the distress of that theme has caused me to dissociate whenever the intrusive thoughts get too much. It just hurts when I look at my boyfriend (or even other people around me new) and my brain tells me they’re not real, or I don’t know them at all. I’m not sure how to experience it without simply crying. Any help would be appreciated.

When my soocd and rocd first hit hard, it really shattered my world and the kind of stability I had in life before the constant fear of losing the one I love. When I got my first job, I buried myself in the idea that I was too busy to deal with it anymore, it helped that I started school and got a pet hedgehog as well. But some nights it hits me that this hasn’t gone away at all, I don’t spend night after night or day after day stuck in the same thoughts anymore but I feel so cold inside like I’m not worth anything and like I don’t deserve the love and attraction I think I once felt for my sweet boyfriend. I feel like the fact that I can’t “feel” those feelings for him anymore that I’ve spent so long chasing means I don’t deserve him, I feel like even though the great anxiety has stopped I’m still trying to chase down that love feeling and how it “should” feel instead of just feeling it for what it is. I’m still terrified that if I let go of my walls that I’ll realize I don’t love him and lose him. It’s hurting me bad and making me resort to bad coping mechanisms. I’m starting to seek out validation again and craving that rush of infatuation when in reality the only one I want is my boyfriend. For almost a year and a half I obsessed about sexual attraction, it’s really affected my intimate life. I have self-esteem issues about my body, my “skills”, fear of not liking it enough and false expectations just all cause me to not feel much in my body and it makes me horribly sad. My boyfriend says I need to accept the possibility that the things I fear could be true and that I could be with someone else but it’s so hard because I really don’t want that but the longer I fight it the further away I feel from him. I didn’t think ocd could be this complex and cause such havoc on my life. I kind of miss when I felt extreme anxiety every day and had the same thoughts over and over because at least then it was easier to know it was my mind games at work. Now it just feels like I’m sabotaging myself daily by chasing the feelings of love I want. I don’t want to ruin this otherwise healthy relationship, my boyfriend is my best friend and I still want that. Can anyone relate to this? I feel like a lot of people just have the obsessiveness and I’m here trying to deal with the side effects of the after math and it makes me feel so alone

It’s so weird how OCD just comes about with no explanation, out of nowhere. My issue has been feelings. I have moments of hyper focusing on feelings, trying to figure them out, and it’s exhausting. Logically, I know that what I’m going through with the things happening in my life (relationship ending that was abusive, my father just getting diagnosed with dementia, etc) would make anyone feel the way I do. But I keep trying to fight my feelings. “Normally, old me” would embrace them and let them be. Ever since my OCD returned, I can’t help but fixate on them and stress even more. It’s almost like my emotions and the way we are as humans in my mind has become even more of a problem than the problems themselves. Can anyone relate? I am doing my best with ERP. I definitely helps. But I’m still waking up not feeling like myself and it hurts.