- Date posted
- 2y
Does it get better? Please help.
I'm 15 years old and a sophmore in high-school, but ever since I was in elementary I felt like something was off. I felt that I was different, and the way I think wasn't normal. And I hated myself because of it. I had never spoken to anyone about it because of how crazy I would sound if I said anything about what goes on in my head, but recently it's gotten worse. I downloaded this app because of a tiktok someone posted with a similar thought I've obsessed over before, and it was supported by this apps tik tok account, so I feel that by explaining the problem or telling the truth about my thoughts just this one time, I will feel better or be understood by at least one person, since I thought I was the only person in the world with thoughts like mine. I constantly have thoughts about r*pe. And I can't help it and I hate my self for it. I think about it happening to me, and these thought come about with great detail and imagery, almost as if I'm being forced to watch a movie. Then I think " well why are you thinking about it? You must like it. You must want to do it to other people" and I don't. I swear on my life I dont. But then I'm forced to think about r*peing other people. And I'm so sorry. I break down crying and just wish it would stop. It's the same thought cycle, usually with the reoccurring topics of being attracted to children, my dog, or family members. Another side of this is my obsessiveness. I get these obsessions with people that I can't shake, and it doesn't even have to be a person I'm in a relationship with. It could be a friend, or a guy who held open the door for me. And I start daydreaming about them. I make up scenarios, specific scenarios that I go on to think about for 8 hours, and all that person did was say hi to me. I question my existence to an uncomfortable extent. Sometimes during school it gets hard for me to breathe because i start thinking about how im not real and nothing matters. Usually looking at clouds in the sky does this to me. Another thing is the need to touch things evenly. It was worse when I was a little kid. I always laugh when thinking about how I used to explain it to people when I was 6 or 7, but eventually stopped due to the weird looks i would get. " Dont you guys feel that. Like something telling u to touch it again. It wants me too. I dont know i just know its not ...it's not like even. It itches." That what i would say when my mother asked me why i was rubbing the tip of my finger on the window a certain way or why i was making wierd noices with my throat a certain amount of times. I didnt understand then but i do now. It scratched my brain just right. And theres no other way to explain it. When i bump my arm into something and 10 seconds later i have to go back to the wall or chair and bump my arm against it a couple more times until it feels right. Until the itch was scratched. And i seen somewhere on Google, on one of my "whats wrong with me i have to find all the answers to why i act like this on google' episodes, that a symptom of Ocd is hypersexuality. And I think I have that, which I also can't help. It's absolutely horrible having intrusive sexual thoughts every second of the day but i can stop thinking about. The first thing i think about in the morning is sex and i hate that. There's a lot more I would like to explain in depth but I've written a alot. I don't think my mom will get me therapist on this app, because I already have one on another, but it's hard for me to explain to her in depth what goes on for fear of being judged. And I think to myself everyday, will it get better? Am I going to be tortured by my own thought for the rest of my life, or is this just a teenager thing caused by hormones and anxiety or whatever. Please help me, because sometimes I feel like dying when going through one of my 'I'm a horrible person' episodes.