I'm starting to lose hope

I feel like I don't deserve to move on or just be happy because I feel like I did this on purpose, which is probably why the thought won't go away. I believe it was an accident but what makes it seem like otherwise is that I didn't apologize or move my arm away. Then there's other bad stuff I've done in high school and a little bit of college.

@BigGip09 I would love to talk to you . What your describing is exactly how I feel . I have apologized to so many people that do even need an apology. My best friend describes it as Snow White apologizing to the evil queen . Remember this is not who you are it’s just the intrusive thoughts and we can not let them win . I am also in college and worry about the past constantly it is such a scary feeling and your not alone

@BumbleBee19! It's hard to say that it isn't who I am because these were real events that happened. That's the only reason why I worry so much about them and I worry about what they say about me. I know jail is a common fear but I feel like mine could happen

@BigGip09 I feel the same way . We just got to get to the root of it . Which is that we are good people which is hard to do . I am also struggling. I am trying to do Dailey affirmations which sometimes helps .

I've watched him sometimes. He's definitely helpful when it comes to motivation. I watched him when he spoke about confidence, which I have very little off. My thoughts and anxiety hold it back for me. The only time I can think of circumstances that contributed to what happened is the fact that it happened in a tight space and I was zipping up my backpack when it happened. Still though, I could have tucked my arm or stopped to let the person through. I feel even worse knowing that they were trying to pass by and I didn't say sorry about this. Maybe I didn't think my arm would hit that spot but knew contact would happen? I just don't know. If I did mean for this to happen in any way, though I don't understand why I would, I would be ashamed of myself and very hard on myself like I already am. It hasn't happened ever again afterwards and I've only gotten intrusive thoughts about it happening again potentially but that's it. There's times where I don't think of it but it returns

Yeah. I want to do exercise and do my work but at times like these I just don't see a point because I feel like I'll pay for all of the bad things that I've done and that's the only thing that will matter. I ruminate so much about it that it can be hard to just survive the day sometimes

@BigGip09 Oh man I feel you. Going through that now. I've learned that that's the discomfort that has to be leaned into to recover and it's absolutely the hardest one I go through. Uncertainty on something like this sucks and feeling like you'll get better only to have it come crashing down sucks. But that fear is also uncertainty. It's all part of the same long game OCD tries to play. Figuring out that it's not the content of the thoughts but the reaction to it that needs helping is a good start but a very hard thing to internalize

@Caeles I hope all of that can help me. Thanks. I did nothing but read stories to try and find some similar to mine to see how people would take them and I just end up feeling bad for them and wish it had never happened. I just research this stuff non stop and I still don't get an answer and I just worry about the day I get convicted of something bad

@BigGip09 Oh man that was my main compulsion for a really long time, it took ages to stop. I always felt I could find some kind of concreted answer somewhere somehow, but it never came. And even if someone I did find an answer, my brain would poke holes in it and find a flaw and keep looking. Resisting the urge to research would be a good step to feeling better, as hard as that is. There's a quote from therapy I found helpful, something like "If you are not sure you have "sinned" you should use that uncertainty not to analyze" - that's sort of what works best here. The uncertainty is what's causing stress and allowing it to be there will, over time, cause the stress to alleviate. It's harder to do than it sounds but it's possible. There'll be relapses and moments where progress feels like it's going backwards but the only way is forward

@Caeles Pardon my spelling mistakes - hopefully most of this is clear!

@Caeles I don't think I'll ever find an answer, and as you said, if I do I'll just go back to square one. It's in the past now and I can't do anything about it besides do better for now. But, the problem is the pain is still there. The hurt from all of the stupid things I've done back then are still there and I just don't know if I can ever put them away permanently. The day I can finally live my life without worrying about all of the mistakes and bad things I've done, I'll just be happier, more confident, and more sure if myself. Just can't see myself moving on from something so objectively bad regardless if I knew what was happening or not. Then if I ever do move on there's still the chance that people will know and then look at me negatively, like I do with my inner critic everyday

@BigGip09 Oh wow yeah it truly feels like you're taking the thoughts from my head a few months ago, I felt that way before therapy. Still feel that way when it relapses, felt like that this morning even. It's the hardest part, but allowing the uncertainty about if this will be worth it in the end is all we really can do. It feels impossible and like it's not deserved but also the brain telling you that information has a warped sense of what happened. From where I started and where I'm at now, I think recovery is possible, even during days when I feel like the scum of the earth or like I'm taking up space. It feels like forever but it's temporary

@BigGip09 Finding the answer isn't the goal, that in itself is a compulsion. Letting that go is I think a good first step

@Caeles Just seems like I'm not supposed to do that when I could've done something horribly wrong. Then the what ifs come in that talk about the feelings I had in the moment compared to now. Then there's objectively bad things I did that I know are wrong now in contrast of before. Letting go is the only thing I can really do but moving on is hard when you don't feel like you should

@BigGip09 - Agreed. It's the hardest part and the anxiety it brings up feels crippling. I hope you can find ways to push through it, even when it feels like it's not worth it. Doing things even though you don't feel you deserve to is the first step to feeling like maybe you do deserve the nice things in life. It takes time to retrain the brain to be less critical

@Caeles I honestly just don't know how. It's hard to do that when it feels like I've committed a crime that could end my life

@BigGip09 If you're able to see any of the therapists linked to this app I'd recommend it. It's hard to get through this stuff, especially this kind of topic, without that kind of guidance cause any answer or suggestion or piece of advice you find on your own can easily fall apart under anxiety and compulsions and such. It's scary to start but I think if I hadn't started a few months ago I'd be in a pretty terrible spot now, or I'd've just remained in the same turmoil I'd been on for the last few years. It's not always a viable option though, so if that doesn't work for you then taking what you can from this app and the resources folks can provide and letting the uncertainty be there is at least a start. And if you've already done therapy in the past, then I think trying to reconnect with what you learned there could help, but it's different for everyone. It's hard getting through this, it's debilitating. What I can offer best is saying that I promise you're not alone in this, no matter how terrible it all feels

@Caeles It sure does feel that way because it just seems like I've done something jail worthy. Is having your elbow brushed against someone not sexual assault? It just seems like I messed up so badly because I got careless. How do you work to get over stuff like this? I just don't get it

@BigGip09 Hey I mean I've done something that made me feel the same way. Lots of cluelessness and carelessness that in hindsight sent me into a spiral. Therapy is honestly what's gotten me out of it and I look back on the situation very differently. There's still shame in some ways but there isn't the same self critic. That's the top thing I'd suggest to try getting over stuff like this if you're able. Doing it by yourself can be much harder because it's hard to take advice from the same brain tearing it apart. It was really confusing for me at the beginning trying to figure all this out so guidance I think is the most important part. It's not something you have to go through alone

@Caeles I haven't found an OCD specialist anywhere. I've only gotten counseling at my college and it helped with anxiety. The problem is, the thoughts are causing the anxiety. I've done worse things than this but I guess I worry about this more because it's decent and I'm an adult compared to when I was a teenager. I also really hate making mistakes. Even though I'll need it to learn I hate when it happens because I feel like it says something negative about me

@BigGip09 I'd highly suggest finding a specialist, cause the treatmen toption is going to be much different. Give the nocd free call a shot. I think they're having a promotion til the end of this month for starting treatment through them too, I'd have to look into that to be sure though. I went to normal therapy for anxiety to start and it helped in some ways but ERP works a lot better for this and having a therapist who you can talk to on obsessions and such with that won't judge is honestly a blessing. A lot of what you're mentioning reminds me a whole lot of where I was before I started figuring out I had ocd and getting treatment, both in terms of topic and anxiety around it. A lot of the same topics still bother me but much less so and with a better understanding of the why's and how's of what my brains reacting to and what that means. And I think I'm on track for it to fade almost entirely from my day to day - relapses still happen but I'll take a bad week over a bad year like I have been. It takes a long time, few months to a few years, but it's those few years going towards the rest of your life. I think in the end it's worth it

@Caeles I'm too afraid to get therapy and of course I'll get thoughts saying I don't deserve it. I've been doing sort of okay by not ruminating on it but I just end up remembering eventually.

@BigGip09 If there's ever a day you want to give therapy a shot, try it. It helped me more than I ever imagined it would. It's scary to start but the relief that comes after things start making sense is better than what compulsions can offer