OCD Reminders

@rosegolden143 You’re welcome!

@Anonymous ERP therapy 😁

@BigGip09 It’s not impossible though.

How does ERP work against an event where you may have done a crime? Is it just maybe maybe not no matter how convincing?

@BigGip09 “May have” is the key word here. You need to do ERP on the possibility and learn to let it go. I’ve done crimes in the past a kid. So what? It doesn’t define me and I’m a better person now. That’s where you need to get.

@Nica Well, the accident happened but I don't know why it did. I could've apologized and said sorry or prevented it but didn't. All I do is feel bad, and prevent it from happening again.

@BigGip09 You can’t change the past so trying to is futile.

@Nica Well, all I can do is feel bad about it and move on from it. The mistake hasn't repeated ever since so that's a good start I guess. Maybe denying all of the thoughts could work?

@BigGip09 Not as in trying to stop thinking about them but as in accept it and move on

@Phoe.nix You’re welcome and you got this!

Same

@BigGip09 It's very frustrating isn't it

@efa Yeah. Just feels like anything else I do didn't matter because of this screw up that I did along with other bad things I've done. I always try to be good to people but I just don't feel like a good person

@BigGip09 Me too😔

@Phoe.nix Hi. I'm sorry you all have to go through with this. I'm sure for you all it's not as bad as you think it is. I'm having trouble saying the same for mine.

It feels like I deserve it this time because of what happened. I think I got intrusive thoughts about the event before it happened and I got them after. Then the guilt never left me. It's been here for months and I just feel like I'm an awful person. A criminal

I can't change it but I'll forever feel guilty about it because I should've done better. It should've never happened in the first place and I just don't know how I can forgive myself for something like that. I could go months without thinking about it, it could come back, and go right back to haunting me. I just don't know how to do it.

I'm honestly freaking out really badly. I feel like this one accident just messed up my life and my track record of being a good human being. I just don't know how I could be happy knowing stuff like this has happened to me. I'm either being too hard on myself for this or it's all warranted.

@Sefora I hate making mistakes. I can't seem to be forgiving of myself when I do. I just feel so defeated by these events and I don't know how to just forgive myself for what had happened.

@Sefora I just don't think I can forgive myself for doing something so badly. I'm starting to think the reason why I'm ruminating on this so much is because it may have not been an accident. I want to believe that it was because I don't know why I would do something so awful to somebody. This has bothered me ever since it happened and I just don't know how to forgive myself. I've been trying but failing. All I can do is that but I just don't know how

@Sefora It's happened with my hand before with a friend and it felt really awkward but I don't think they realized it. It hasn't happened ever again and I prefer to keep it that way. I would probably have a breakdown if I did that to someone with my hand. Still, I just don't feel good about it. I could've tucked my hand. Why didn't I apologize? I think she even looked at me when it happened and it just made things even more awkward. I just bumped into a man's foot on the bus today and said sorry because I know I didn't mean to do that. At least I'm getting used to apologizing more I guess. Maybe maybe not is really hard when it feels so real because it actually happened. This is usually easier when it comes to thoughts that wouldn't ever be acted upon.

@BigGip09 I think I got thoughts saying I wanted it to happen and everything that I just did and felt in the moment just feels like proof. I hate it. There's days where I'm fine and other days like these where I can barely move

@BigGip09 Dude I’m going through almost the exact same thing, I’m so so so sorry

@Sefora I know this is just gonna sound like a compulsion but what if I did find pleasure in it but right away went to being guilty and having that guilt be long term? I feel absolutely disgusted by this and there's no pleasure from it whatever. Just the thought of it bothers me. I've seen much worse scenarios through searching and it didn't make a difference for me. I also noticed that I get thoughts of something bad happening when I'm in a situation or doing something that can correlate to the potential bad thing, like drinking water but the thought says it'll fall out of my hand and spill on someone. I even get thoughts saying "let it happen, do it" and then it happened. I'm sorry if this is annoying you or bugging you in any way

@Phoe.nix I'm sorry you're going through this as well. I'm sorry for everyone else that has gone through it as well. This sucks so much

@Sefora I tried my best to focus on my college studies and to not get wrapped up in that. What's the reality that it was on purpose though? Does it even matter at this point? I feel so much distress and I've ruminated on this endlessly with no answer. What if I liked it for a few seconds and then realized how horrible the event was?

I don't know anymore. One hand tells me I let it happen when I could've prevented it but the other tells me that I didn't know what the contact would be like. We were in a tight space and I was zipping up my bag but then it was just too awkward. I feel like my elbow touching her behind was sexual harassment and I didn't even say sorry or move my arm. I just hate that I let this happen and I hate that this day even happened altogether, ever since then I've made it my goal to not touch anyone accidentally and if it happens I just say sorry

@Sefora I was zipping up my backpack when it happened but I get the thought that I knew it was going to happen and I didn't move my arm right away. Then I didn't feel guilty until like ten seconds after. That's what makes me ruminate over and over. I feel awful about it and I don't want to take pleasure into something like that. I just get the thought that it could look like an accident but wasn't really an accident, but either way I just have so much guilt about this and I don't think it'll ever go away because I think my intention was horrible when it shouldn't have been.

@BigGip09 Dude I think like this all the time. Like my brain moves faster than my thoughts and then suddenly I’m like should I have predicted it? But are we being too hard on ourselves and giving us like only milliseconds to think

@Phoe.nix Maybe I should just focus on forgiveness about all of this because thinking about it is just draining. I tried to hang with friends and it's just hard to not think about this

@BigGip09 If you’d like maybe we can talk about this together since we’ve gone thru what seems very similar. I can give you my snap if you’d like

@Sefora They'd laugh? Really? I just can't imagine something like that happening. I've told all these people and they don't seem to be very angry with me. Just sympathetic or feeling really sorry for me. I've been more calm about it but it persists. Other thoughts will come in but I'm just letting all of them come and go..

@Sefora Well, this helps me see it in the perspective of another person better. Thanks for all of your comments. It helps. I just wish it didn't get this bad but I'm glad I have your help. It really helps.

@Phoe.nix I'm usually worried about exchanging social handles with people on here, especially if they're underaged. I usually don't do that with people that are younger than 19

@Sefora So am I just supposed to accept the thoughts no matter what they say? Even the whole scenario that says what if I meant it what if it's true and what if I'm bad? Do you really believe that when if it was on purpose it wasn't bad?

@Sefora Do this even if I don't believe it?

@Sefora It's funny you mention that because when you did give me reassurance it helped a lot in the moment but after a while I sort of went back to the start. So yeah, I guess I just have to do that. Even if it feels real

@Sefora It sucks that going through the irritable pain is the only way but I guess remembering the goal at the end of the day helps. What if the reassurance is true? It sounded true. Even if it is, still do it?

@Sefora So far I think it's been working a little bit, I've been going to maybe maybe not which helps but feels awful. I still feel like reassurance made me feel better but that was short term.

@Phoe.nix Do you mind if we talk about it here? I don't have snap

@BigGip09 Yeah no problem! I’m in a very similar situation but with a kid at work. I had to clean him, and I’m having what’s probably false memory ocd? But it’s been destroying me. But like our friend said, if I tried to explain it out loud it probably wouldn’t make any sense However, since starting meds they’ve helped me see a bit more clearly and I hope erp does too

@Phoe.nix It's great to hear you've been improving with this. I'm happy to hear that :) I've just been trying to sit with the thoughts and I think it'll get worse before it gets better. I still don't think it was an accident but I'm just trying to forgive myself and move on. I don't want to ruminate about it anymore. It's hard to do self care at the moment but I still have to try

@Sefora Now I'm getting thoughts that say because I has thoughts saying "do it, don't move, do it" and I didn't move and say sorry it means I either did it intentionally or knew it was an accident, got really awkward and tried to go through with what happened, I didn't get anxiety feelings until I left class with thoughts saying "you did that on purpose" and it never left me

@Sefora The ruminating is going really strong and it's just been so hard to focus on anything else but I think with practice it's possible. It started talking about the what ifs again saying "was this ERP in the moment?" Or "did I let the intrusive thoughts win by not doing anything?" And since I can't get an answer, I just have to let it come and go..

@BigGip09 Idk if mine was an accident either and can’t figure it out no matter how many times I run it thru my head. And now that time has passed I’m kind of forgetting what it is I’m worried about. Which is scary and not scary at the same time? I’m trying to sit with the thoughts too, had my second erp session today and it’s helped a lot

@Phoe.nix I'm glad you've at least been getting ERP. What have you been told to do for ERP?

@BigGip09 So I’m starting different exposures that have to do with this topic. It’s like to ultimately separate your doubts from your values. I’m still in the skeptical phase hahaha but I have to try!

@Phoe.nix Separate your doubts from your values? How does that work? How would it work for the thing we're worrying about?

@BigGip09 from what I gather, ocd can kind of trick one into doubting their values and the uncertainty makes them question it but sitting with that uncertainty can bring clarity into which is which. I hope it can work for us too- but honestly even hearing what you’re going thru is helping me. Because from an outside perspective I think you’ll totally be okay and it seems like your ocd tricked you in the moment and gave a double meaning to what happened and so I’m thinking maybe that happened to me too

@Phoe.nix That sounds about right to me too. It feels like in the moment it got to many places and it's making me spiral into so many different possibilities and it won't take an answer. Right now I haven't been focused on the event and distracting myself from other things had been working. It comes back from time to time but I'm still trying to do the uncertainty. I'm glad I can help in any way though. What really surprised me is when Sefora said that if I were to confess it in that way they would probably say to move on..

@BigGip09 Yeah, that makes sense and yeah I guess it’s cuz like maybe in our eyes it’s smaller than most people might think? That’s what I’m hopi my

@Phoe.nix *hoping

@Phoe.nix Yeah. They also said that it was my elbow and it wasn't my hand and it isn't constituting to what I think it is, but still it makes me upset. Someday I have to just let this go though. The truly messed up part is the ruminating I've been through for months to see where it will take me, only to get me nowhere.

@BigGip09 Dude I’m in the exact same spot I’m so sorry I know it’s the hardest fuckin thing ever

@Phoe.nix I'm sorry too. I try to think that this hasn't happened before and it hasn't happened again and I'm having a lot of guilt about it ever since it happened and it feels like the thoughts that were in the moment were really conflicting. Talking about it brings back compulsions and has me going back in circles about it though

@BigGip09 Oh I totally agree it’s like none of it makes sense and it’s absolutely terrifying- but like you said dwelling on it does make it worse. I’ll be honest though, my intuition tells me that we will get past this. I rly hope you can forgive yourself mate because I know from an outside perspective that you deserve it❤️

@Phoe.nix Thank you. It still feels like I did something really bad here but I'm just trying to forgive myself and not be hard on myself. I think it's getting to the point where my anxiety is so reoccurring that it's affecting my physical health

@BigGip09 I totally understand and I’m in the same boat, and I rly hope u can find peace soon. I’ve noticed that with my ocd it’s always like ‘was this an accident or on purpose’ and intrusive thoughts try to trick me on what’s going on. Like I said I feel like my thoughts move so fast I assume that I should have predicted whatever did or didn’t happen etc. but, I’m starting to think these are some of the tricks ocd plays. Like for you, ocd looking back in retrospect makes you question what you were thinking in the moment. But you’ll never know for sure… we could be giving ourselves a lot of guilt because our brain is misunderstanding in retrospect. People say hindsight is 20/20, but for people with ocd I think it’s the opposite

@Phoe.nix I totally get this. I'm just ruminating about it nonstop and it still leaves the conclusion of this happened on purpose or if it felt good in the moment. I don't want to be that kind of person at all. Not at all

@BigGip09 I totally understand and I’m rly sorry you’re going thru this. Do you think you’ll be able to do ERP therapy?

@Phoe.nix I don't know when I'll be able to get therapy for this but I hope one day. It's hard when you get thoughts saying you don't quite deserve the help, but I'm just trying to go with "maybe, maybe not" for the time being

@BigGip09 I didn’t think I deserved the help either, but that’s definitely how most ppl with ocd feel as well. Because self punishment is a compulsion as well! I hope you can get the help you need friend, and I wish us both peace. We can’t give up, we have to keep going❤️

@Phoe.nix Self punishment is a compulsion?? Whoa, I never once thought of it like that.. I wonder if the negative thoughts about everything, especially things that once weren't bothersome but now are count too.

@BigGip09 YESSSSSSIRRRRR Definitely. I told my therapist that feeling joy was almost like triggering because I felt like I didn’t deserve it and he explained that yeah punishment is definitely a compulsion and that also shifted my perspective too!