Resentment

Feeling so lost and overwhelmed. My ocd has been focused on my boyfriend for the past year. We had a rough patch and he made some new friends at work. I then became obsessed he fancied one of them and went through all his messages and obsessively questioned him. He has stood by the fact he didn’t like her like that and other people who speak to him about it think he didn’t. He’s spoken to my therapist and tried to help, but I just can’t get it in my head he’s not lying. The things I believe to be ‘evidence may aren’t really telling. I found out they were still chatting on insta once she left his company but the convo was fairly platonic - they were just talking about work and the new people. She did make a comment it would be more fun if I was still there, but she is french so there is a slight language barrier (I thought this sounded flirty). She also messaged him about a festival she was at with her boyfriend. He said they are very in love and moved in together and from her social media they seem that way. I also once came home and picked up his phone and it opened onto a video of her he’d been watching which he’d filmed of her falling asleep in the office. He said he’d just been flicking through his videos but I became obsessed he was really missing her. All my family and friends think he’s telling the truth. He’s taken me to doctors appointments and keeps telling me the power is in my hands. I told him the other day I’ve spent the past year imagining the things I believe to be true and negatively reinforcing it and said it’s hard to unlearn. He was upset by this and said why have you done that when I’m not lying. He said that if what he’s told me isn’t enough that’s okay. Maybe I can’t get over the fact he had this friend and I can’t trust what he said. Prior to this we’d been together happily for 5 years. He’s now said we’ve spent a year unhappy, me not trusting him and breaking down. He said he wants to really move on with life, start saving for a house etc and has asked me to draw a line under this. He’s broken up with me 3 times in the past to give me a wake up call that he cannot take the questioning and yet I still feel I don’t believe him. I was cheated on in the past and I think that’s really traumatised me. I don’t want my ocd to force me to leave him. It’s seems so unfair, had I not had ocd I wouldn’t have viewed it like this. But maybe I can’t get over it - even though nothing has happened. I feel so bad for putting him through this and so bad I’m not helping myself either. Just want some kind words. Has anyone else ever had their ocd stop them from being able to see things clearly or how other people do?

When my soocd and rocd first hit hard, it really shattered my world and the kind of stability I had in life before the constant fear of losing the one I love. When I got my first job, I buried myself in the idea that I was too busy to deal with it anymore, it helped that I started school and got a pet hedgehog as well. But some nights it hits me that this hasn’t gone away at all, I don’t spend night after night or day after day stuck in the same thoughts anymore but I feel so cold inside like I’m not worth anything and like I don’t deserve the love and attraction I think I once felt for my sweet boyfriend. I feel like the fact that I can’t “feel” those feelings for him anymore that I’ve spent so long chasing means I don’t deserve him, I feel like even though the great anxiety has stopped I’m still trying to chase down that love feeling and how it “should” feel instead of just feeling it for what it is. I’m still terrified that if I let go of my walls that I’ll realize I don’t love him and lose him. It’s hurting me bad and making me resort to bad coping mechanisms. I’m starting to seek out validation again and craving that rush of infatuation when in reality the only one I want is my boyfriend. For almost a year and a half I obsessed about sexual attraction, it’s really affected my intimate life. I have self-esteem issues about my body, my “skills”, fear of not liking it enough and false expectations just all cause me to not feel much in my body and it makes me horribly sad. My boyfriend says I need to accept the possibility that the things I fear could be true and that I could be with someone else but it’s so hard because I really don’t want that but the longer I fight it the further away I feel from him. I didn’t think ocd could be this complex and cause such havoc on my life. I kind of miss when I felt extreme anxiety every day and had the same thoughts over and over because at least then it was easier to know it was my mind games at work. Now it just feels like I’m sabotaging myself daily by chasing the feelings of love I want. I don’t want to ruin this otherwise healthy relationship, my boyfriend is my best friend and I still want that. Can anyone relate to this? I feel like a lot of people just have the obsessiveness and I’m here trying to deal with the side effects of the after math and it makes me feel so alone

So, this long story will have to be cut down a bit but here’s my story and my plea for some guidance… My childhood was not that great. Although I am grateful to have had a better childhood than others who are way less fortunate. My dad was an alcoholic and suicidal, my mom was toxic and vengeful. This lasted up until I would say my 10th birthday. I was also molested by a family member that to this day no one believes that it happened and would rather me keep this info to myself. I searched for attention from the wrong people. Being bullied, I decided it’s best to be the bullier. So, I started getting in trouble at school, home, with the cops. Everything. Me and my mom started to develop a resentful relationship. I met people online who were older than my age at the time, who had zero business talking to me. They manipulated me and made me feel horrible. I got caught and went ten months without a phone. This time was peaceful. I then went into my sophomore year of high school and entered a relationship I was not comfortable in. At this point, I was healing from previous trauma and was not looking for a relationship to be in. But, I did it anyway because I was afraid to be alone. This relationship was the worst relationship….and I mean the WORST relationship I was in. It was narcissistic and abusive. It broke off abruptly with no closure, no explanation, and leaving me empty and suicidal. I dated during this time and made it clear that I was not ready for a relationship yet. I decided to take a break from dating because although I do not have feelings for my ex, I was now experiencing anxiety and PTSD from what happened. I fell into a deep depression that I did not know when I will be getting out of. I met my boyfriend while continuing to heal about a month after. It was an instant connection and of course I questioned it but I didn’t think much of it. I caught feelings for him pretty quickly which is something that is rare for me. We had insanely similar personalities. It has been the best relationship I have been in. I could even go as far as to say this will be my future husband. We are also long distance and will be closing that distance soon. Something inside me though… keeps bringing up my ex. Small thoughts, small feelings, and knowing I don’t love him. Now, I sit here. I am questioning my love for my partner, asking myself what is so special about my ex that he occupies my mind but weirdly not my heart… It hurts. I just want these thoughts to stop. I have become suicidal before, I am scared to become this again. Why do I feel like I love him when I never loved him while we were together? I know my brain is tricking me, because I know I love my partner. But I am scared I still care for someone who abused me. I am scared I now love two people at the same time. I am scared that the one that I am with isn’t the one for me and this happiness means I am faking it. Is it all an illusion? Why can’t he just go away?