Help

I’ve always been straight my whole life and I’ve never considered being different nor have i ever had attraction to women but lately I’ve been going through a lot of different thoughts that definitely feel unlike me. When I was a kid and I don’t remember how old I was but im sure like 7 or 8 and my cousin that was I very close to had me do inappropriate things to her that I didn’t really know anything about at that time. After that happened to me I knew it was wrong and I felt so bad and disgusting and scared but at the time I didn’t really know anything and I remember when my mom would drop me over my grandmas house while she would work, I’d take my grandma’s phone and I looked up kissing videos and I saw the kissing scene from Jennifer’s body and looking back on it I just feel so much shame and confusion bc it certainly feels embarrassing. My cousin always liked girls but I never did. I loved sitting and watching Disney movies preferably princess and the frog and wanting to be a princess getting married to a prince just like in all the movies. I knew who I was from a very young age and that never changed about me. When I learned what porn was at an older age, I started becoming hyper sexual so I watched tutorials videos of women to learn how to pleasure myself. When I was a kid and to now I’ve never looked at women in that way. I’ve had best friends and sleepovers it’s never been anything sexual, romantic, or intimate. Just simply innocent friendships and hangouts. When I got to high school that’s when i started remembering what happened to me and i remember how the girls would talk about their first kisses and i remembered my sa and how I felt so scared to say anything to anyone bc I didn’t want people to think badly of me simply bc my first kiss was like that so I would simply just not say anything. Lately I’ve been having obsessive thoughts out of nowhere wondering if my sexuality has changed or if im bi or is it just my thoughts? I’ve always had ocd and even in school, the kids would pick at me because I always eat my food in order and by the lightest color. But lately it’s gotten worse. It’s like I’ve never had thoughts like this nor have I ever been like this. Not even when I was a child. And humans question themselves of course but this feels like something different. I’ve gotten distant from my best friend who’s also a girl and I’ve just cut off social media and female friend relationships at all because for some reason my brain tells me that it’s “gay” to even hug your friends or hold their hands anymore like you used to do when you were kids. I even got to a point where I would watch women porn and try to masturbate just to see if I was attracted to it or not like that’s how bad the thoughts got. It felt like an evil voice was in my head trying to convince me and sweet talk me to do and enjoy those disgusting things even when my body didn’t want to. I eventually had confided in my bf about it because he was also a victim of sa and so he helped me through it and I stopped doing it but then and my bf (now ex) broke up a couple days ago and now ive been dealing with this alone which feels like the hardest part for me. So I’ve texted my bff a lot to catch up because I’ve been distant dealing with this and I was just checking my phone awaiting for her responses to my texts because she tends to type slow and usually I never think anything of it because I used to check my phone all the time when I would await my boyfriends reply or simply just a text from him and so now im having thoughts like “why am I awaiting her texts” “do I like my friend?” Its just so many obsessive thoughts and so much overthinking that I am getting tired of because It’s been going on for months so I know this is a lot but please if anyone can please help me I beg, it would be such a great help appreciated bc this has became a really big impact on my life and not in a good way lol. Thank you !!

Hi guys! Kind of panicking right now. My mind has gotten so dark and my thoughts have gotten evil and terrifying I’m so scared. And I feel Like I’m at the point where I’m convincing myself they’re real. Like I’m terrified of acting on it or that I’m choosing these thoughts. I’ll tell you guys what thoughts they are. These horrible terrifying awful thoughts of not wanting others saved. Like thoughts like I don’t want others to know Jesus. Especially this one specific thought about this girl. It’s TERRIFYING because this one specific thought that is in my mind all the time is attached to real feelings I have for this guy. And this girl is a Christian and she’s so pretty and I started having thoughts that I don’t want her saved or to know Jesus so that this guy who is a really strong believer that I like won’t like her. PLEASE I NEED TO KNOW THIS ISNT ME YOU GUYS. I just need to know this thought IS NOT ME. And then it gets so bad to where I wake up in the morning and it feels like I’m accepting these thoughts. Like I want these thoughts. Or like I’m choosing them. I’m so deeply terrified I don’t know what to do. I just need to know they’re not me, that my heart is aligned with Gods heart. That I want EVERYONE SAVED

What if these thoughts aren’t intrusive thoughts but signs of my true identity? What if I’m lying to myself? What if I’ll never feel attraction towards men again? What if I never actually felt attraction towards men? What if I was just forcing myself to have crushes on boys? Is this false attraction? Then why does it feel so real? I don’t know who I am anymore, I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I could do to escape the thoughts, and I’m not sure if I really want to escape them.