relapsed

tocd is kicking my butt and i just relapsed so hard. couldn’t stop doing compulsive body checking and taking quizzes to see if i was an “egg” or not. got a neutral result on the quiz implying i may be trans and now i’m panicking, even though the quiz was really weird and had a lot of questions that Didn’t have to do with being trans at all?? like it was asking me if i thought gay marriage should be legal and then giving me my results partially based on political opinions as well so i Know it’s bs but i couldn’t stop. i’m so scared. i want to feel at home in my body again. i experienced body dysmorphia growing up but i don’t ever remember feeling like i wanted to be a male. was curious as to how it would feel a lot of times when i was going through puberty alongside my friends (a lot of which were male due to similar interests in gaming) but it was never an actual desire. but now i feel like it was and i’m in so much distress. i’m going to try to sleep it offf because i’ve had worse episodes with this theme before (to the point where i was considering offing myself) and i just don’t want to entertain the thoughts any longer. so miserable. any advice?? SPECIFIC advice?! not just “don’t honor compulsions”, etc..

pureolife

Date posted: 2y

Hey there, I had this theme and get occasional spikes still but mostly I’ve recovered. I went through a year of erp and it was a life saver. I’ve had many ocd themes but this one felt the hardest because there was no way to escape (after all, the trigger is literally your own body.) I want to acknowledge that you already have some great insight here: that’s test is bullshit. And that’s not how people determine their gender. Think if it like a buzzfeed quiz that gave you a result that says you’re Ross when you really feel more connected to Monica. It was built to mostly entertain and is not scientific. You might actually be much more in line with Monica despite the quiz (hope you’re getting the Friends tv show reference.) if you got the wrong answer, you’d probably say “aw that quiz sucked” and never think of it again. Do that here. No more quizzes. They do not help. All they do is deepen the obsession and the hold this theme has on you. Revising your past looking for answers or wondering if your random meaningless thoughts and curiosities really meant something more is also a compulsion. Are you working with an ocd specialist right now? If not please get one. If you can’t get one, find an ocd workbook. And start listening to The OCD Stories podcast. And look into an ocd course like Kimberley Qualines (so?) There is hope and I have been exactly where you are. Get that rest. Be kind to yourself.

Anonymous374728

Date posted: 2y

I can be no help considering I’m going through the same thing and was getting a lot better and now at an all time low. I really wish this would stop its heart breaking and makes me feel so lonely, crazy to think how just a few months ago I was so comfortable in my body and loved how I looked till my theme switched it’s such a terrifying feeling. I know who I really am but my mind doesn’t let me think that at the same time. I wish you the best of luck seriously!

Williamptr

Date posted: 2y

Hi Peachbud, thanks for sharing this! Partially I relate to what you're writing. The first thing which comes up for me is that anxiety always makes you feel like wanting to know or do something "immediately". You want to know it "now", because it's the most important thing in the world. In reality, it doesn't need to be solved immediately; take some time to talk about it with people (for example here). You also suggest how we should response regarding to compulsions. I understand you want to be taken seriously, and I do. Directly looking it up and taking quizzes can be a compulsions and make the worry feel worse, so I'm that sense I hope I can help you to become aware that it might be helpful to not do that again to find "answers". Please keep on sharing about your journey with us!

shinsset

Date posted: 21w

tocd + proof + advice on how to tell people?

I cant do anything anymore without my brain dregdging up proof from my past that I was actually trans and didn't know it, and it all seems so plausible. like I said in my last post its unearthing memories that I didn't even know I have. ik this is just ocd tricking me but I feel like I need to review every moment thoroughly bc I have questioned my gender in the past but always concluded that'd I'd happier as a girl (which is true). everything feels so real and it feels like I am just super in denial. also, how do I tell people about this? I made the mistake of confessing to a teacher on a note and only a couple friends of mine understand the thoughts I get, but I don't tell them everything. however its very hard for me to do basic responsibilities like school work and I always end up overwhelmed, so I'm thinking I may need accomdations. I need to get in touch with my counselor but i'm unsure how to explain all of this to her, being that I don't have a diagnosis....also I feel like I can't talk about this with the majority of my friends because gender ocd is rare to have (increasing my doubts) and, at least school-wise, i'm in very accepting environment for lgbtq and I'm afraid they're just gonna tell me to accept myself. I'm scared of doing erp for this because what if I like it (also cant afford therapy). ive also felt very apprehensive around some of my trans friends and classmates because my brain is going crazy asking "what if you're like them?" and I feel so bad and transphobic for these thoughts. i'm genuinely so tired. one of my closest friends died last year, but my father pointed out that my recent mood has been even worse than it was during that time. i tend to bottle up my emotions a lot, so everyone's just telling me to "let it go" and tell people, but if I do that I feel like i'll end up confessing. i'm so tired and lost.

Vee <3

Date posted: 13w

Heyyyy!

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Dreamydream

Date posted: 12w

TOCD

2 nights ago I saw something on my phone and it has now spiraled into me scared of being trans or being gay because i don’t want to be… now i have a huge fear of what if i am gay and am attracted to woman or what if im not comfortable in my body and want to turn into a man. It’s freaking me out - my ocd always makes me question my character! Has anyone experienced this 😩

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