Hi everyone,
Iām reaching out for support. Right now I feel like OCD is āwinningā in my life and I feel suffocated and alone. This is my story and I would love any support, guidance, or advice. Long post, but I appreciate anyone that reads it.
Iām a 28 year old Muslim middle eastern woman. My family immigrated to Canada when I was a kid. Iāve never been very religious but I consider myself a believer. I also believe that religion is extremely personal and that my relationship with God is mine only. My faith hasnāt always been strong, it goes up and down. My family, although not super religious, has always valued tradition and my parents have always wanted me to marry someone Muslim and Arab. They are very adamant about that and very against mixing with other cultures and faiths. My father passed sway in my early twenties, and Iāve always struggled with doing things that he wouldnāt approve of and having him be disappointed or ashamed of me. I was very close to my dad - his death was really traumatic and I miss him everyday.
I am in a relationship with a kind, caring man who loves me and takes care of me. We were friends first and I tried to not let things progress past friendship because I knew my family would never approve. But eventually we both confessed feelings and that led us to a relationship. He makes me happy and has healed many things in me that were wounded from past relationships. Heās Punjabi Sikh, so our cultures and faiths are different. He is not religious at all. When we first started talking about dating, he said to me that if he had to do an Islamic marriage to be with me that he would do it. If thatās what it took to be with me, heād do it. That for me was the push I needed to go for it, and let myself get into a relationship with my friend and now lover. He even says that heās open to our kids learning Islam. He just wants our kids to also learn about where he comes from, of course. I knew that my family wouldnāt approve, but having the Islamic marriage would be extremely important to maybe eventually have them accept my decision.
My boyfriend has always been aware of my OCD and is always willing to do whatever it takes to support me. As weāve navigated dating and being in a relationship weāve had some challenges with my ROCD, and weāre actively working on it with exposure therapy. Weāve also had general relationship obstacles that weāre learning to work through, like communication and having different love languages. I tend to be anxiously attached and I get panic attacks when I think Iām losing people close to me. So even just the idea of a break up makes me feel sick. In all honesty, being in a relationship has been really hard on my mental health. My therapist says itās like being in constant exposure- which can be exhausting (I always have the thought ābeing single is so much easier because thereās way less triggersā but I donāt want to believe that or let it dictate my life).
My big struggles right now are guilt from hiding my relationship from my family, and dealing with constant ROCD intrusive thoughts like: āis he the one? You want someone from your own culture, your mom is right, this is never going to work and youāre going to be unhappy and divorced. You donāt want to mix cultures, youāre going to hate it, stop pretending to be open to itā¦ your aunts and uncles are going to disapprove and cut you off, youāre going to be judged by everyone, your kids are going to be so confused about their identity, travelling back home is going to be so weird and not the same, so you should break up with himā. Often, this causes me to ātestā the relationship or look for problems and create arguments. Itās a toxic cycle, and Iām so ashamed of it. I also often struggle with thoughts like āyouāre lying to yourself, you want someone from your culture, youāre a bad person for leading him on, youāre a liarāā¦. āYou did this to yourself by dating outside your cultureā.
Ultimately, I feel torn. How am I meant to know if I actually want to be in this relationship or if I want to do what my family approves of (and what would be easier)? How do I manage the thoughts that tell me opposing things? I have frequent panic attacks and when things are bad, they happen daily and are very debilitating. This is where Iām at right now, and this is the part that terrifies me. I donāt want to be stuck like this. I donāt want to lose my boyfriend. That thought terrifies me and I donāt think I can handle that. He means so much to me. I also donāt want to be suffocated by thoughts - if I have them every day first thing in the morning, does that mean I need to listen to them? Iām struggling so much and I feel so hopeless. I wouldnāt wish these feelings on anybody, ever. I want to feel at ease, more than anything.
