K-M

Date posted: 2y

If you were in my shoes..

Hey guys! My ex from 10 years ago hit me up and let me know he’s got one year sober in AA and asked if he could call/meet to make amends to me. I’m almost 9 years clean myself and I’m super proud of him. We went out a few times like two and a half years or so ago but I wasn’t interested, but I told him about Jesus and AA/NA and what it’s done for me. He thanked me last year and told me he’s getting right and going to AA. Anyway, I told my husband he wants to make amends and it is a jealousy fire over here. I want to let him make his amends because I’m honestly just so proud he’s getting better. I was really worried about him and I’ve actually been thinking of him very often lately. Anyway, what should I do here? My husband is pretty upset about it and said any man in his shoes would be too.

777Q

Date posted: 2y

TBH , Even with the context of things as you described I can definitely understand and have empathy towards both sides of the coin in all fairness.

Tee10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I understand where you’re coming from, and also understand where your husband’s coming from. After all, this is your ex and you are married now, so just try to be mindful if the tables were turned. But to hear the words “controlling” that is a little concerning, so I’m sorry you have to go through that! Out of respect for your marriage it may be better to congratulate your ex over the phone and then that be it, what else do you expect to get out of an in-person meetup? You can always make amends from afar. You two have your own separate lives now. I’m sure your ex will understand. Either way, I hope you’re able to have that peace with whatever decision you make.

Tee10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Tee10 Also, I might add - the fact your ex wants to make amends as well as the fact you’re open to it, already shows that you two are clearly on better terms now, so that says enough in itself. What more will you get out of a meeting or further conversation of “making amends” unless you expect there to be more out of this relationship in the future? I would just appreciate the fact he’s in a better place now, be happy for him, be proud, and let him know that..but that’s it.

Patrick99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

A think lot of guys would be upset in his shoes, no one wants their partner hanging out with an ex. He’s Probably afraid you would make amends and have feelings for him again, or he’s the type of person who is good at letting someone from the past go and wonders why you can’t. And probably in his eyes if you can’t let him go then you must have feelings for your ex. Just some possible reasons

Nica

Date posted: 2y

Your husband sounds like he’d be jealous over a lot of things. It really depends what you want out of meeting up with your ex.

K-M

Date posted: 2y

@Nica Honestly it’s just mainly about his recovery. He was an alcoholic and when we dated it was only about drugs. I became addicted to meth and it was just bad and we parted ways. I got clean, he didn’t. Last time we saw each other I told him about AA and NA and he was not about it. He thanked me later and told me I inspired him to get his life right, that was all. The fact that he’s sober and in AA is HUGE. My heart is full knowing he has found the community and is doing the 12 steps. I’d just be happy to participate in that by allowing him to make his amends. Nothing more.

Nica

Date posted: 2y

@K-M He can make amends over the phone 🤷🏻‍♀️ It doesn’t have to be in person.

K-M

Date posted: 2y

@Nica That was what he said! He said phone or in person. Either one husband doesn’t want

makeupandchi...

Date posted: 2y

I would respect your husbands feelings and congratulate your friend with a message online. It’s most important to consider your husbands feelings above your friends. Also I’m very proud of you for sharing Jesus and aa and changing a life! That’s awesome :):)::)

777Q

Date posted: 2y

@makeupandchinchillas You have cool 😎 little pets , do they let you pet them? Praise and honor to Jesus always 🙏✝️ .

makeupandchi...

Date posted: 2y

@777Q Yes! I take them shopping lol

777Q

Date posted: 2y

@makeupandchinchillas Do you really or are you joking 🙃? That is so cute 🥰.

joshuap

Date posted: 2y

I think I wouldn't be upset if I was your husband. I think women should be allowed to meet everyone they want even if it's their ex partner. If you're only going to meet and talk about things I dont see no problem. But thats just my opinion, you should ask your husband what exactly his problem is.

K-M

Date posted: 2y

Thank you guys for your responses . I guess maybe it’s cause he’s already a really jealous person/semi controlling and has acted out before that I’m just kinda bummed. I’m super passionate about recovery so I wish I could be there to help in the 12 steps. He’s come a long way so I’m really stoked. I understand if I have to tell him sorry I can’t help.

K-M

Date posted: 2y

When he gets mad I just get this huge pit in my stomach and I get so anxious.

OCDwontownme

Date posted: 2y

I think if you and your husband went to dinner with him or something it would be fine

777Q

Date posted: 2y

@OCDliestoyou Great answer , I was thinking of something similar a lunch or dinner for 3 to honor the occasion.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

I can understand your husband being uncomfortable with that, but I can also see why you would want to speak with him. I think a phone call is a good compromise

777Q

Date posted: 2y

Personally I would do as he asked taking everything into account that you have shared. I would give your husband the benefit of the doubt with this matter and do as he requested. Keep in mind , just my personal opinion. I feel in my own perspective if you pursue otherwise it would give the impression of being a little questionable 🤨. Of course do as you want , it is your life .

Mreow

Date posted: 2y

What is this, the 1950's?

777Q

Date posted: 2y

It is great that this is a open forum to express all points of view , even those some may not agree with 😊.

777Q

Date posted: 2y

What is interesting is that I almost always water down my comments here , because it has to fit to some degree “ a politically correct format “ .

K-M

Date posted: 2y

@777Q Don’t worry, I am not offended. I post here to get everyone’s opinion who is willing to offer it. Everyone will have different points of view and that is okay.

777Q

Date posted: 2y

@K-M That is great , much learning is acquired taking all points of view into account. I learn much from that also in my life from all perspectives.

Mreow

Date posted: 2y

No one is saying you can't express yourself freely or aren't entitled to your own opinions. And cognitive distortions 101 if you assume anything about my political or religious beliefs or thinking that I need you to "water things down". You keep doing you. I was just saying that your response is old-fashioned in a way that is not very healthy for someone who is clearly in a relationship with a controlling/emotionally abusive person. As a survivor of such dynamics, I was just trying to share some friendly advice to KM with my comment above yours (since they had asked for advice), and then coming down to read yours that said to be subservient to a controlling husband because he's not getting wants felt alarming to me. I was just female-to-female, trying to help out KM here. So I expressed my opinion, and I am sorry if the way I asked it in question form like that came off as snarky. And this is the last I am going to type here, because this thread is about KM. Not you, and not me. Please, let's stop this silliness. Goodbye.

K-M

Date posted: 2y

@ThisIsNotTikTokOrTwitter I’m super sorry if I caused any beef here! Definitely did not want to do that by my post. I do appreciate you and your compassion for my experience through the lens of your own. I am also a survivor of abuse (each kind) and I think I ignored a lot of red flags in the beginning and I know that is my responsibility. I feel like I’ve just grown more and more passionate about fighting for women’s rights ever since I started seeing the true colors. I’ve thought about creating a blog, joining a group, making a YouTube, fighting for other women who experience similar things as I have. I am not trying to victimize myself, and he has told me I do that, so I am sorry if I sound like that. He told me a while back he wanted to marry me asap so he knew I wouldn’t leave. That was an incredible red flag and I never forgot it. I told him that was scary and then it got turned on me like I’m so terrible for making him seem like a bad person. I feel guilty for coming on here and complaining about him all the time, because I feel like other people think why don’t I just stop talking and do something about it. I feel super stuck because of my religious values and before I got married I always took the vows so seriously. Now I find myself wishing he would leave so it would just make it easier for me.

777Q

Date posted: 2y

@K-M K-M to not further add to your stress I blocked the other person, so my comments will not be visible to them and vice - versa .

K-M

Date posted: 2y

@777Q I’m really sorry I didn’t mean to start any conflict

777Q

Date posted: 2y

@K-M No not at all . I find you a very interesting person and enjoy you and your posts . The chats are always stimulating , informative and thought provoking 😊.

K-M

Date posted: 2y

@777Q Aww thank you!! I appreciate hearing from you too! Yay!

777Q

Date posted: 2y

In 2023 Christian wedding vows it is still mentioned for many to love , honor and obey in the wedding vows themselves.

777Q

Date posted: 2y

I have attended several Christian weddings over many years and at some of the services the husband and wife occasionally rework their vows to what might be a better way of life for them specifically. But I have been to very conventional wedding services where everything is said without any revisions. To each his or her own in this world.

Mreow

Date posted: 2y

It's your right as a human being to see who you want to see. And it's his right as a human being to feel what he's going to feel. And ideally, within the vows of your marriage there is mutual respect and trust there, and from that the compromise of accepting how both sides might feel, even if it makes the other feel a bit uncomfortable.

K-M

Date posted: 2y

It’s been 7 hours and my husband is still upset with me that I’d even be willing to hear the amends. I told my ex that he’s upset and he said he didn’t mean to be disrespectful in any way, he has a gf of his own and just wanted to share the good news that he has a year. I’m trying to do a heart check on myself here because I feel guilty.

K-M

Date posted: 2y

So my husband told me to block and delete his number without saying anything or letting him know why. I don’t want to have to do that because he has done nothing wrong. My husband slept on the couch last night and won’t talk to me, and when he does he just yells.

Mreow

Date posted: 2y

Emotional blackmail is a control tactic. And you did not do anything to deserve that. I've been in enough psychologically abuse relationships to know that what you describe sounds like very controlling behavior. You checked in with him about your ex, and you didn't even go. How much more subservient is he hoping you'll become by acting like a child who is giving you the silent treatment and yelling at you? I wish you two all the best. Lots of healing and mutual respect.

K-M

Date posted: 2y

@ThisIsNotTikTokOrTwitter Thank you, I really appreciate your response. He has tried to control many things since we got married. I didn’t really know what I was getting into. It’s kind of like a flip switched once we signed the papers and he wants to put me into this box. I’ve explained my relationship to my therapist and she immediately showed me power and control wheels, which was pretty crazy to me because everything on the wheel has been present ever since we got married.

Tee10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@K-M I’m sorry to hear girl. You deserve to be happy and to be treated with respect, especially by your spouse. I really wish you the best.

K-M

Date posted: 2y

@Tee10 Thank you. He is filing for divorce and moving out.

Tee10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@K-M Oh no. I’m so sorry. If you need to reach out, you have a whole lot of supportive people here on this app. Wishing you all the strength during this time…

khyabee

Date posted: 25w

I need support

Me and this guy have been talking off and on recently. I’ve known him since middle school and we used to talk in 8th grade and in high school. We used to be in a relationship. It started back in January of 2017 at my classmates 15th birthday party she had that year and him and I danced with each other, and we developed feelings for each other and dating. He put his arm around me too that same year. Then in high school we were together freshman and sophomore year bcuz we texted a lot and had classes. We didn’t talk or were together at all junior year. We both moved on and he got a new gf that year. Then in senior year him and I started talking again. I want to reach out to him to get closure, since things left off confusing. does anyone have any tips on how to go about this? because I still have feelings for him. If this helps him and I are both 22.

AnonymousAnf

Date posted: 25w

Tips on self sabotage…

A little over a year ago I ended a 10-year relationship. I found out that he had been lying the whole time and was an alcoholic and avid drug user. Since then, I unexpectedly met and started dating a great guy, but my relationship OCD and trust issues are going to ruin it. He’s given me no reason not to trust him and has reassured me plenty of times that I didn’t deserve what I went through and that it had nothing to do with me. So why do I continue to make snide remarks about his “other girlfriends” and what not… He’s also divorced and has his own problems to work through, so I feel bad adding more to his plate. I know that I’m imagining the worst case scenarios in my head to try and “prepare” myself for things that could happen, but I’m going to lose him because I can’t get out of my head. I’m so afraid of missing something like I did with my ex that I pick everything apart. Every story detail, every inconsistency, heck I even convinced myself he was cheating because he deep cleaned his house on his day off… Advice on starting a new relationship without carrying over the trauma of your old one?

LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 20w

Need advice!!

Ok I need any and all advice 😭 please help. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 2 years and feel deeply connected and happy and in love with him. My ex and I were first loves and on and off basically for 5 or so years until I met my current bf. During that time we both were toxic and back and forth and he did some things that were really hurtful. We never really had an “ending” or any actual closure to anything? I just kind of started talking to and liking my current boyfriend. I saw my ex a month ish ago at the bar and wasn’t very nice to him. I was like hyper aware of how I was behaving around him to make sure he didn’t get the wrong idea. I know he has had a really hard time moving on from me. Since then I feel like I have not been able to stop thinking about the past and am questioning a ton about my feelings. I do have ROCD, and I don’t know if this is solely because of that or a mix of that and the emotional loose ends? I don’t know. But I’m feeling such an urge to text him this whole paragraph I’ve drafted about closure, how I don’t even need him to respond, but I just need to get some things off my chest. I feel SO conflicted about sending it. I do not want to rekindle anything with him, but it’s just the principle of texting your ex that makes me feel like I am betraying my boyfriend now. Yet it feels like it’s weighing on me so much - and I’m like is ocd involved? I just don’t know if I should send the text or not. If anyone has been in similar situations or has any helpful advice I would really love and appreciate some because I feel so stuck.

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