i relapsed please help me i’m so lost

I’m having a really, really hard day. I usually stick to being positive and giving advice on here, but I need to share right now. For reference, I have trans ocd. I decided to sign up and commit to this series of yoga classes not realizing that going to them was going to trigger me repeatedly, way beyond my current limits. There’s so much work on emotions and connecting to the body. And somehow my entire class ended up being women. I’ve been in a state of panic for two days now that I can’t seem to get out of. I’m convinced all of my OCD fears are more true than ever and I can’t seem to come up with anything, even a compulsion, to convince me otherwise. Ive been trying to sit in the uncertainty but the panic just. won’t. stop. I didn’t sleep last night. I’ve barely eaten in 2 days. This is basically flooding. What’s most upsetting is that I’ve been in therapy and was doing better. These set backs make it harder and harder to keep trying because they re-traumatize and sensitize me to all of my triggers. I’m committed to two months of these classes and paid for them. I want to push through. I want to be capable of this. I want to overcome each fear, but my body keeps responding with utter panic and terror. I don’t know how I can continue if my body just won’t let me. I’ve experienced many lows with OCD. I’m trying to keep perspective that none of them lasted forever and this can’t either. But I’m struggling to function at the moment. And all I want to do is give in to what my OCD is telling me: “you can’t connect to your body because you are trans and in denial. You want a flat chest and a penis and a beard. You don’t want breasts. You need to accept it. You need to transition and be the man you really are. You need to stop trying to be a woman because it’s fake. You need to surrender. You need to stop being such a baby. Deep down you know it’s true. Give in already. For anyone also experiencing trans ocd: my thoughts are with you. I know the pain of this is real and can destroy your life. I hope this gets easier. I wish I had a safe space to climb into and forget about everything for awhile. But you can’t escape your mind.

TW*** Im at a loss of words now, i think I just realized Im transgender last night and had a massive panic attack. I googled tocd when i already had a feeling that its not tocd and ended up reading someones post who transitioned from a boy to a girl and many other comments about how they were in denial and I was able to relate to quite many things there, it sent me into an attack, ive literally never felt something like that before, my whole body shook, knees felt weak and couldnt focus, went to sleep and had dreams, everything in the dream was relating to transgender and woke up with anxiety and feel completely broken down and hollow inside, I can barely talk, my face looks like an empty void and droopy. I dont know what to do, I feel extreme shame and embarassment, my whole life flashed before me and how this would affect my family and my life. It really feels like this is the real me, and now I feel like Ive never actually felt like a proper man because I didnt know what It felt like and I was just acting to be a man and theres alot of proof that came with with it. I dont know what im going to do guys, this really cant be happening man. Someone help please please

I am adding a trigger warning, but I’ll still be mindful to censor. So I guess I would say I’m in a relapse. I was doing well (I think). I wasn’t having intrusive thoughts and I overcame a really hard theme. So for a few months I was doing pretty okay. My living situation and relationship took a huge hit and I guess I couldn’t handle the pressure idk. Anyway, one day I was trying to sleep and I got this intrusive thought about losing my mind I guess. Not being able to identify anything, speak, ect. Just being a blank mind or something. (I know, doesn’t my one ounce of sense to me either) Anyway, this really scared me, triggered me so badly that one of my old themes that I truly thought I had overcame came back. Not only did it come back, it sent me spiraling ( still am). It feels so much worse this time. And I’m struggling to overcome it. This thought: “how do we understand words?” And then it’s spirals into other thoughts related to this, but I’ll leave it at this. I can’t cope, my mind is hyper fixated on every word, not just mine. I can no longer watch tv comfortably, listen to conversations, or even speak myself. It’s making me feel like “unaliving” myself. I feel extremely alone in this. Like as if I’m the only person in the world to ever think this or struggle with this kind of theme. Getting some feedback would be great, but I won’t hold my breath.