Doubting my diagnosis

I agree with that, it's just tough because there's some things I haven't confessed to my girlfriend that I feel I should, but my therapist says it will never stop if I do. But I just can't see myself letting it go because it's not just something from my past, but something that I feel could change how she feels about our relationship, it's very difficult

@Igraine Well I don't know exactly what it is you feel the need to confess but let me tell you that i feel the exact same way. My OCD makes me believe that this one mistake/memory/thought/feeling would make my Fiancé change her mind about being with me/marrying me, and let me tell you this. Before i knew it was a compulsion i confessed at least 100 things from the most insignificant trivial things to the most repugnant serious things and the outcome was always the same. My gf always got hurt but assured me that she knew who i was, who I really am despite what i did or despite what intrusive thoughts or feelings i may be having. Oh but guess what it doesn't matter because till this day, till this very second i keep having more memories pop up, more thoughts pop up, more feelings pop up. All with an intense desire to confess because in my mind if she knew these things she'd change her mind about marrying me. And all this only keeps getting worse as the wedding gets closer. We're 105 days away so i know im in for one hell of a battle. But a little while i decided to actually stand up to OCD to tell it you know what. I am a liar, i am inmoral, im not good enough for her, i am hiding things. I've resisted the compulsion to confess and I've leaned into the uncertainty of not knowing wether im a good person or not. I've told myself that if I don't find a good reason to resist my confessing compulsion my last resort is to resist it for the sake of my recovery. I can either give in and prolong my pain and suffering or i can give myself a fighting chance and sit there in a soup of guilt shame and uncertainty, and you know what. Everytime I've resisted, everytime I've accepted the worst case scenario, everytim ive told my real events or intrusive thoughts that they can stay as long as they want but i will not engage with them. They're like an annoying kid crying for attention. And I've dediced to let it cry until its voice runs out. Every single time I've done that the obsession over the real event or thought eventually passes and I realize how irrational my reaction to it was being. I don't forget the event or the thought but im eventually able to not feel haunted or guilty of it. It freaking works but it takes work. Hard work! If it was easy nobody would be on this app my friend. I advise you to resist your compulsions and practice acceptance. You owe it to yourself, try it as an experiment. You'll never know if you don't give it a chance. Make it a non option to confess. Make a pact. Do whatever it takes to break the cycle. I know you can my friend. Im sending you a huge hug and lots of strength. Feel free to keep me updated or message me whenever you need some encouragement.

@Alexgtz11 Wow, this really resonated me. Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful response. So much of this struck a chord with me. My confessions revolve around cheating. I made a call to a friend when I was very drunk just after we started dating a year ago that I think was an attempt to cheat. Nothing ended up happening and I don't think anything would have if my friend actually picked me up, and all I actually asked her to do was just pick me up, but even a year later it bothers me. There's a lot more to it, but my friends and family and even therapist tell me to drop it because nothing happened and based on my reaction and how long it's been nothing ever will again, but it's tough, feels so dishonest. Not saying this asking for reassurance, just looking to illustrate why I'm struggling so much to not confess. She actually knows about the call and my concerns, but she thinks it was just a call to hang out as I didn't fully express that I think otherwise. Our relationship is so different and strong now I could never do something like that again, I even quit drinking so much, but I just can't move on

@Igraine I want to wish you luck as well, just from our interaction I can tell you your fiance is very lucky. Be strong!

I wish mine sounded silly to me when I say it out loud, it still sounds bad to me :( "Tried to cheat but didn't" Ugh. But I agree my reaction to it is way out of proportion. And it absolutely does help to know that we're not alone. One thing I do find helpful about this community is how accepting everyone is. We all make mistakes, sometimes terrible, but that's part of being human and we can grow.

You're right, it's just that I remember feeling guilty the very next morning because I was convinced I was trying to cheat. It's one of those things where maybe I wasn't, but if I WAS, is that really something I'm allowed to keep to myself? Tough to navigate :(

@Igraine And then I remember venting about the relationship to this friend as well so I feel I "emotionally cheated"

@Igraine I can't give you an answer because as you know I would be reassuring you. But why don't you give it a try. Try to let the thoughts sit and accept uncertainty. See what happens. Keep me updated if you want. Its nice to see someone is also on this journey with me

@Alexgtz11 You're right, funny how sneaky the compulsions can be sometimes. I'm gonna have to get back on the horse. Thank you for the support and best of luck to you as well!!!