@Kristen Nelson Hi Kristen! I’m Jilliana and I also suffer w trichotillomania :( I developed it during quarantine my freshman year of high school and i’ve unfortunately have had it since :/ i have it on my head which makes me sooo insecure. it really does fucking suck! i am about to be a senior in high school, and i’ve basically had it my entire high school experience:( 😞 I miss my old life so much. i miss when i didn’t struggle w this or even know what it was! i miss when my hair was just something that used to fall on my shoulders. i miss my old self too and the way i used to look. i just miss it all and if i could go back and stop myself from doing the very first pull i would. but i unfortunately can’t. and it’s starting to look like i’m going to have to live w this forever:/ pre-quarantine i had a full head of long beautiful hair. then after quarantine it gradually got worse, and my once long hair became so uneven, as i wouldn’t pull perfectly even on both sides of my hair, and my hair started to shorten in length. then i began getting bald spots.. and it just severely became worse and took off from there unfortunately. it’s a really hard thing to have, and i wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy! hopefully it gets better.. in the future. i really do hope and pray. i hate how i feel like it’s take. up my life. i used to play soccer in high school for the first 2 years, but unfortunately it drove me to quit because of the wind, not knowing how to style my hair, fear of bald spots showing if i wasn’t safe, etc. so i quit. i now focus on school and really good grades! but still.. all the A’s in the world will never compare to a life with no disorder and a life where i could have fun and stayed in soccer:/ don’t get me wrong i’m very proud of my grades, but they are almost like a blessing and a curse.. they are a curse because of my severe ocd and school anxiety i can get at times and i can find possibly leading to a pull.. which really sucks. i’ve always been a good student w ocd and anxiety pretty much all my life, but having this disorder really does make it 10 x worse if that makes any sense. before i would just stress out and bite my nails which was no big deal, and really came w no consequences. NOW it can trigger a pull which can cause me to lose even more hair, damage my self esteem, makes me feel very weird and isolated, and also tarnish my appearance as i continue to keep losing my hair:(( it sucks. i almost feel like this disorder has taken over my life.. it really has in a way. it had a HUGE impact and a very negative one at that, and im afraid it will have this impact on my for the rest of my life.. i just want to be my old self again. my self without this disorder. myself w my hair. i feel like having this disorder is stopping me from reaching my full potential and that really does suck. I had a similar situation to u when i would eventually get on antidepressants and they only made me numb, made my pulling worse, and worsened my anxiety as well. i also have a similar hair pulling experience to u where i do it without realizing sometimes, and how it used to be a once in a while thing, and is now an everyday thing.. and i too have piles of hair that i find after a pull and it sucks to clean it up afterwards. it’s so debilitating and embarrassing. i have gotten so much additional shame from this disorder and it’s really taken a hit on my self esteem and confidence. i also had a similar therapy experience to u where i was in traditional therapy and how most of how that went was me trying to teach the therapist about the disorder rather than undergoing treatments and solutions.. it felt very hard, frustrating, and hopeless. it sucks how rare this disorder sort of is and may seem at times. i really do feel like an outcast.. most people that have this are not open about it, and keep it a secret and i completely understand where they are coming from.. it’s from fear of judgment and being seen differently and as “weird.” i just wish there was more converse of this issue, and i feel like that’s what makes it so much worse and harder. it’s like how am i supposed to overcome a disorder that not many therapists know about anyways? how am i supposed to cure something with no cure? how am i supposed to cure something with VERY little coverage and solutions available, and the ones they have so far are all hypothetical and not guaranteed.. it also is hard knowing that the success rate is low. it sucks too that like in order to get a therapist that specializes in this, specifically trichotillomania and only this, it would cost a shit ton of money:/ i came across one once and she seemed extremely promising and she even told me this is all she works with and specifically specializes in and she has a great success rate with her clients, but she was very expensive and i didn’t want to put that burden on my parents.. maybe one day i can afford it! hopefully. i’d say my experience with NOCD, is that i think it is really good and unique and not like traditional therapists which i can appreciate, but for me personally it’s not enough to cure my trichotillomania, BUT it has helped a lot and i do appreciate it a TON more than traditional normal therapy that people with smaller problems undergo.. also i think i’d have to disagree when u say that trich is more related to tourettes than ocd, because for me personally i’ve had ocd and struggled with perfectionism all my life, and it unfortunately is what started the disorder.. it started with me looking in the mirror one day (in quarantine) and being like oh there is a strand of hair out of place and sort of sticking out, and for some reason instead of just i don’t know using gel or cutting it off with scissors, i decided to rip it out:/ then i realized it was like a unique feeling on my scalp and sensation and so another day when i was bored out of my mind and remembered doing that, i decided to do it again so i started doing it more:/ and more.. and more until it became a problem and i realized what it was when i looked it up and desperately wanted to stop this bad habit :/ but i was too late. i was too deep in, it was a habit, and it eventually developed, got worst, and became what it was today:( i just want so bad to heal and get over this and to have my hair grow back.. it would be a dream for me.
also do u recommend getting a buzz cut? because right now my hair is like a pixie and i attach a fake pony tail for school, but around the house i wear a cap. like a silk shower cap. to hide my hair from my hands.. sometimes i stick my hand under or take it off, but for the most part it helps sort of. it is a bandaid though, and just me covering the issue.. but it is a temporary fix. and it’s the only one i have right now at the moment for around the house..
eventually when i go to college i will start fresh, and hopefully feel more open to a buzz because quite frankly i think it may be time for one.. i DEFINITELY wouldn’t do it and get one in high school, for fear of being judged and made fun of, but i may consider it for college especially if i go far away where no one knows me.. it’s a possibility. and worse case scenario if i don’t want to rock a buzz cut i can just use a wig. and hopefully that time period will be enough for me to break the habit and allow my hair to grow under the wig as i try to avoid it and try my best to forget it and hopefully see my hair as just something on my shoulders once again and not something to pull or take out my emotional distress on.. it could help.. would u recommend the buzz and what was ur experience like?
