False memory help

@Ilovedylan20@ Were you able to find my post? I can try and retype it out if needed.

@Catlove9 So then my brain goes “oh well you have all that other stuff so then it must have happened” yet there’s no proof of that night and mh ex told me over and over nothing happened.

@Ilovedylan20@ Really? You have something similar?

@Catlove9 I have something bang on identical. Ive convinced myself I've put people in a lake :(

@Ilovedylan20@ I’m so sorry. How long have you been suffering with it?

@Ilovedylan20@ I have had this one for 4 years 😔

@Catlove9 Oh my love :( it's funny isn't it because as an outsider to your thought, I know there's no way you'd get away with that for four years but there's just no telling is there when we're such a dark place wirh it

@Ilovedylan20@ I know 😔. It feels absolutely real. And I would never hurt anyone. But I worry he made me do it because I was so drunk. I don’t drink anymore because I am too scared of what will happen. But it literally feels like it happened.

@Ilovedylan20@ Unfortunately I’m not on Facebook 😔. But this has been so hard. I’m sorry you go through this too but it’s nice to know I’m not alone.

@Ilovedylan20@ Me too. And sometimes I’m like “should I turn myself in” and then I get more scared.

@Ilovedylan20@ Omg yes! It kills me. And I feel like I can’t be happy bc this is always on my mind.

@Ilovedylan20@ Omg me too. It’s like I ruined my life with my ex and now I’ll never be able to be happy. I also feel like at any minute I’ll be arrested.

@Ilovedylan20@ It wasn’t only that. It wasn’t a good fit. Overall, he was pretty good with my ocd. I know it wore him down, especially all my questions. I just worry like “what if this false memory happened when I was with him and now I can’t ever be happy with anyone because I’ll be in jail” or something along those lines.

@Catlove9 Yes!!! They are exactly how I feel. I don't see the point getting excited to get married as I feel I'll be locked up anyway

@Ilovedylan20@ Omg yes! And I am in this new relationship and I’m very happy and I keep thinking I shouldn’t make plans bc I’ll be arrested. Everything will be ruined. And it feels so REAL. Even if at times I realize how goofy this all is, it’s still feels REAL. like I cannot let it go.

@Ilovedylan20@ I’m so sorry. Yes. I constantly have butterflies too and it just feels like I’m on edge. I hate this. Does your boyfriend support you through it?

@Ilovedylan20@ No we can’t. What do you normally do for false memory? Like how do you get through it?

@Ilovedylan20@ Yah. I know exactly what you mean. My last one lasted 10 years and then this one took over.

@Ilovedylan20@ Lol yup! The 10 year one was also me worrying I shot someone lol.

@Ilovedylan20@ Yup. And get this. The night I’m currently worried about, I called my sister that night telling her “I’m so worried about the night in college (the 10 year false memory) and that it really happened and I won’t be able to be happy with this guy”. How ironic, right?

@Ilovedylan20@ Hahah I know. Isn’t it crazy how it works? They replace one another.

@Ilovedylan20@ Have you done ERP?

@Ilovedylan20@ You would. And nothing happened. You would totally know.

@Ilovedylan20@ That’s exactly how I feel. And I felt what if my ex was lying about that night.

@Ilovedylan20@ Really? You can? It feels like I have so much evidence?

@Ilovedylan20@ Thank you for saying that. But you know how it goes. It still feels real. I did quit drinking though.

@Catlove9 Oh sooooo real. I just can't see clearly wirh them at all yet to others they're so unreasonable and Irrational!! It breaks my own heart

@Ilovedylan20@ Do you get very scared? Like you’re just bound to end up in jail? Even when you start to see how silly it is, and then it grips you again and says “No. This really happened.”

@Catlove9 Yes 100%. I am 100% convinced I will be locked up and I deserve to be so miserable. My anxiety comes from the fear and I feel absolutely terrified about this thought definitley 😭

@Ilovedylan20@ Yah. This is what happens to me. And then I get happy for a second and it’s spoiled. And I just can’t shake it. And then I want to turn myself in.

@Catlove9 I have slight moments where I'm like it's amazing it never happened and then literally within a switch I just turn into despair and depression. I feel so dark and low

@Ilovedylan20@ That’s the worst. And then I told my therapist I’m convinced it happened. And she asked what I would do if I was convinced and I said well I guess turn myself in. And she said well if you feel that’s a good choice then do what you have to do. And then I realized how that would not be a good choice LOL. And then there is that moment of clarity and then it’s gone in a second.

@Catlove9 That would make me so anxious LOL!! Do you think she said it to make you think?

@Ilovedylan20@ Struggling a little thinking I need to turn myself in 😔. How about you?

@Catlove9 I feel the exact same hun, I feel so depressed. I just feel like it's happened 100%

@Ilovedylan20@ Yup. That’s exactly it for me. I guess all we can do it live. As hard as it is.

@Catlove9 Absolutely breaks my heart

@Ilovedylan20@ How old are you if you don’t mind me asking? I’m 35 but know I’ve had OCD for 30 years at least.

@Catlove9 I'm 25! Had since 15 :(

@Catlove9 Yes always false memory too and as selfish and inconsiderate as it sounds I always think I'd do anything for another theme

@Ilovedylan20@ I was always that too. Harm has been the worst for me though.

@Catlove9 Yes! I thought pocd was bad but harm my god has nearly killed me

@Ilovedylan20@ Yup! It’s horrible. I really need to obey my ERP. I probably would have been better by now.

@Catlove9 It scares me so much. I don't even know how I can do it about this thought

@Ilovedylan20@ Have you tried a script? And then reading it over and over again?

@Catlove9 No I haven't! It scares me to death. I keep adding details like conversations

@Ilovedylan20@ That’s what happens to me. Down to the outfits the people were wearing. Like wtf.

@Catlove9 Well not really wearing of course.

@Catlove9 Yes!!! Honestly then I picture the future so me on the news, my mug shot, wanted signs etc. I look at mums and I'm like I'll never be able to have a child

@Ilovedylan20@ Yup! Omg. This is so me. It’s awful. And the worst part is how REAL it feels. And I tell people and they think I’m crazy and I tell them but you don’t get it, it feels real.

@Catlove9 Yes!! I just wanted to burst into tears earlier as I just feel I've done something barbaric and so against my morals. And it doesn't help when people say well you know you didn't do it

@Ilovedylan20@ I know. And then I start to think okay maybe I didn’t and then it comes back full force and I start thinking there is no other way except that I did do it.

@Catlove9 Yes!!!! Absolutely agree with you on that one. I wake up feeling amazing and then throughout the day the anxiety just never ends. Here we go- another day of dread :(

@Ilovedylan20@ Yup! My therapist told me we have to stop trying to figure it out and instead just let the thoughts be there.

@Catlove9 J feel a bit more rational today but I still have that fear like " nope on the news it's going to come up". This morning I witnessed a crime in plain blank day light and he walked off no remorse or anything. We would be absolutely beside ourselves if we did our false memories! As ours is so similar do you mind if I ask you " do you feel that even though it's so obvious with harm false memories there would be a reaction by now, Do you ever think " they've just not found out yet" xxx

@Ilovedylan20@ Yup. That’s always my fear. That they just haven’t found out but that it could happen any day.

@Catlove9 But four years! I mean that's definitely enough time to find something! Mines only been a month :( isn't it just awful.

@Ilovedylan20@ Yah. But it goes to show we can’t logic our way out. My fear around it now is worse than ever and it’s probably because of compulsions 😔

@Catlove9 Yes I've learnt the hard way for sure. I'm so sorry for all the questions but it's just so refreshing to talk to someone so similar. When you do a compulsion, do you find that you find like a coincidence or a reason to not support your evidence you've not done it? Eg I checked cctv to try help but saw I actually left earlier that I thought so worries j would have had more time to do something bad x

@Catlove9 I've just had a huge wave of anxiety come over I feel like I need tk throw up 🤢

@Ilovedylan20@ I’m sorry. I know the feeling. I think we may be giving these thoughts too much power.

@Catlove9 We are completely. Just so hard when it feels like it's happened :( x

@Ilovedylan20@ Yup! That’s exactly how I feel. How can I not pay attention when it feels like it actually happened?

@Catlove9 Yes!! I have been so sick this afternoon :( I feel so undeserving of anything

@Ilovedylan20@ Yup! That’s how I feel. And I had a great time with my new boyfriend last night and now I feel like we have no future because I’ll be in jail.

@Catlove9 Yes!! Perhaps we will just go in a cell together lol. I can't stop crying today. I keep thinking I know I would have heard by now but what if the kid was from a different town and I've just missed the update or something

@Ilovedylan20@ You definitely would have heard by now. And it seems like the more you ruminate, the worse it gets. Same thing happens to me.

@Catlove9 I just feel I can't stop. With the past tense it's so hard to not ruminate

@Ilovedylan20@ Yup. I totally get it. I’m in the same boat. I feel like I can’t escape and there’s always this nagging feeling.

@Catlove9 Yes!! Today has just been awful. I've been hysterical.

@Ilovedylan20@ Have you tried going for a walk? Or anything to redirect your energy? Sometimes it can help. Not all the times

@Catlove9 I've been in the car all afternoon which hasn't helped :( it feels so real

@Ilovedylan20@ Maybe you should try some exposures. It could help

@Catlove9 Yes I need to start doing therapy for sure :(

@Ilovedylan20@ It can’t hurt! I need to apply what I know.

@Catlove9 How are you feeling today? Please let me know if I'm annoying you messaging a lot

@Ilovedylan20@ You’re fine! I’m doing okay. My harm ocd is creeping back in on top of the false memory. So I’m just a mess hahaha. How are you?

@Catlove9 Bless you. My Ocd is just sticking completely and to top it off I've gone to my neighbour to ask for his house cctv footage to see what time I got home from work :( why did I do that!!!!

@Ilovedylan20@ That’s a compulsion! But I get it. I give in to mine too. Try to start cutting them out slowly. I know it’s super hard.

@Catlove9 I need to be so strict. I find they never help too

@Ilovedylan20@ Yup! Before you’re about to do one, ask “why am I doing this? Is it to try to find certainty?” If so, accept the uncomfortable feeling of not knowing, and move on. It’s easier said than done

@Catlove9 Yes!! Last night I stupidly went to my neighbours to see her cctv. On the way their I was like ffs this is just ridiculous but it didn't give me the answer I wanted and now I'm panicking :(

@Ilovedylan20@ Yup! Next time try to hold off as long as possible doing a compulsion. And keep pushing yourself. If you’re trying to “figure it out” then it’s a compulsion.

@Catlove9 Yes I've had a new thought would you believe!

@Ilovedylan20@ Really? False memory?

@Catlove9 Yes as well as the previous one still niggling in the background 😢 I feel in overdrive

@Ilovedylan20@ I know what you mean. My harm OCD is killing me. I hate the feelings of “wanting to”

@Catlove9 Wanting to in which context? Bless your heart. I have unfortunately let it completely consume me today and have been sent home from work for two weeks 🤢

@Ilovedylan20@ Like with my harm ocd, sometimes it comes in like I want to hurt someone (even tho I do not). And I hate it.

@Catlove9 I see! Yes urges are so strong

@Ilovedylan20@ Yes. The urges! Have you had them?

@Catlove9 Not necessarily however I do think " nope I deffo wanted to do that" when I deffo didn't :(

@Ilovedylan20@ Omg yes. I absolutely hate it.

@Catlove9 Losing the will today. Feels so real. Even my bew one which is just hilariously ridiculous

@Ilovedylan20@ What’s the new one?

@Catlove9 Harm- think I've thrown someone baby off a bridge

@Ilovedylan20@ Oh. I am laughing. But not at you because I know how scary it is. But it’s a funny one. But that’s good! Sometimes laughing helps!

@Catlove9 I know it's actually so ridiculous but yet feels SO real. And it's making me be sick!

@Ilovedylan20@ Yup! That’s how it goes. Right now I feel like I’m going to lose control and go around punching people LOL. it’s funny. But it feels real.

@Catlove9 Yes!! 😭 I keep trying to work out times and when I left, what I felt at the time etc 😭

@Ilovedylan20@ Okay. Try not to! Just accept the thoughts as there and press on with your day. Don’t try figuring anything out!!!

@Catlove9 So so so hard. Even had another new thought last night 😭😭😭😭😭😭 that's theee now! What is evening happening with these false memories.

@Ilovedylan20@ I think they know how to hold your attention so they keep coming in.

@Catlove9 Yes!!! Do you find you get many ones? Or just one of the same?

@Ilovedylan20@ Oh many, many, many hahaha

@Catlove9 Oh really! Same as me again!! Mine change frequently :(

@Ilovedylan20@ Same here. And themes change a lot too

@Catlove9 Mine are mainly pocd and harm :(

@Ilovedylan20@ Mine are harm mainly. I’m always worried I’m going To hurt someone

@Catlove9 Mine are only past tense :( bloody false memories I hate them so much!!!!

@Ilovedylan20@ Mine used to be only past tense. And then they started to become present/future. It sucks. I can’t catch a break at any time hahahah. Try to just accept them and go about your day. I know it’s so hard.

@Catlove9 I'm being very strict with myself now. Trying to separate myself from the illness and enjoy my day. Sitting with the uncertain feelings

@Ilovedylan20@ That’s great! I know how hard it is

@Catlove9 We need to realise we would know by now

@Ilovedylan20@ It’s really hard for me. Because I feel like my ex covered it up.

@Catlove9 And I bet the Ocd makes you want to check with them all the time x

@Ilovedylan20@ Yup. I wish I could. When we were together, I asked him ALL THE TIME. For four years.

@Catlove9 Bless your heart. I'm so sorry. It just shows no matter what reassurance we have have it doesn't matter!

@Ilovedylan20@ Nope! It will never matter. So my therapist said I just have to accept it no matter what.

@Catlove9 We can do it together and I will happily support you as much as you need. Very proud of you

@Ilovedylan20@ You too! I feel the same. Are you across the pond?

@Catlove9 What do you mean lovely

@Ilovedylan20@ Oh. Are you in Europe or America?

@Catlove9 Europe! X

@Ilovedylan20@ Oh nice! I has a feeling with the time difference! I’m on the east coast of America!

@Catlove9 Oh lovely!! Not too far from me im London! :) so glad we have found each other

@Ilovedylan20@ Yes definitely! I agree. It’s nice to not feel alone.

@Catlove9 I think talking to other sufferers can be the best therapy sometimes. How are you doing?

@Ilovedylan20@ I’m doing okay. My harm ocd is so bad bc it’s making me feel like I’ve turned into this evil person.

@Catlove9 I feel the exact same :( I feel like I'm one of these people you see on Netflix

@Ilovedylan20@ Omg yes! And I feel like now that I’ve had these thoughts, I’ve changed. I don’t feel like me anymore.

@Catlove9 Yep! I'm also having a pocd spike with false memories :( I just feel like a loose criminal

@Ilovedylan20@ Hahaha Omg me too! And at any minute I’m going to snap. It’s awful.

@Catlove9 Yea!!! I always think " I know how distressed I got at previous thoughts so why do I still believe them?"

@Ilovedylan20@ Me too! And then sometimes I feel like I’ll never be normal again because I’ve had these thoughts.

@Catlove9 Yes! I always worry I'll never be able to have children too :(

@Ilovedylan20@ You will. Don’t let OCD take that away from you.

@Catlove9 Just think what if I'm not allowed because of pocd false memories being true but I also know the torment that would come with it

@Ilovedylan20@ That’s your OCD making you doubt everything. Keep living your life with what you want out of life. It’s super hard. I get it. I struggle with it too.

@Catlove9 Every day just feels like a survival mission doesn't it :(

@Ilovedylan20@ Omg yes. That’s literally the perfect way to say it. That’s exactly how it feels. I feel like each day is a new mission.

@Catlove9 Yes!! My anxiety is always so bad in mornings but by evening I'm okay , but my gosh I just can't get over how real it feels :( waking up every day believing you're a criminal- even just saying that breaks my heart

@Ilovedylan20@ Same here. I ebb and wane all day. But mornings are the hardest. I wake up feeling like I’m going to punch someone 😔

@Catlove9 Me too!!! The dread just kicks in straight away. Hi pressure to answer this but have you ever had pocd false memories? I've got that and harm false memories on the go and I just feel sick

@Ilovedylan20@ Yes! One. I was wasted and the next day had POCD false memory.

@Catlove9 We're clearly very similar aren't we. I'm trying to treat it all as Ocd :(

@Ilovedylan20@ Me too. But it’s hard because I feel too long gone.

@Catlove9 Yeah I completely understand. When we become so consumed by compulsions and rumination, the ocd feels nothing but the realness

@Ilovedylan20@ Do you ever feel like your identity has changed?

@Catlove9 Absolutley. I feel like I know who I am and then I just don't know anymore . This Ocd has made me lose my spark

@Ilovedylan20@ Omg me too. That’s exactly how I feel. I feel like this horrible person that I never was before.

@Catlove9 Yes!! I feel I don't deserve everything I have rn. Out of curiosity do you ever feel this " surely it must be real because I have been so distressed over it"

@Ilovedylan20@ Yes! Omg. All the time. Or “surely it must be real because it feels like I’m different and it’s impacting me so much.”

@Catlove9 Yes!!! " why would I be this distraught if nothing happened?"

@Ilovedylan20@ Yes! Exactly. Like if I’m so upset by this and it’s caused me so much grief, it must be true.

@Catlove9 It confuses me so much I just don't know what to believe

@Ilovedylan20@ That’s how I feel. I almost feel like I’m living two lives.

@Catlove9 Yes!!! It breaks my heart. I can't help but feel like this awful criminal who's living free

@Ilovedylan20@ Omg yes! You explained it perfectly. That’s how I feel. And I can’t allow myself to be happy because it’s all going to be taken away.

@Catlove9 Yes!!! I'm like why should I be with my partner who I love so much when he'll leave me anyway, Why should I buy nice things for my holiday etc :( it's a life of living a completely false misery.:(

@Ilovedylan20@ Yup. Mine is “why fall in love if I’m just gonna end up in jail anyway.”

@Catlove9 Yes!!! I feel like a fraud wirh my partner, I feel like I can't get excited for marriage or anything as I'll just be behind bars. It's so sad. I do think this is such a hard side of ocd

@Ilovedylan20@ It is. And it’s always like there is this gnawing feeling that you can’t explain.

@Catlove9 Yes!! Just every day waiting for that day to be the day. :(

@Ilovedylan20@ Omg!!! Hahah that’s exactly how it feels. Like “today is the day.” And then when I’m excited about something in the future it’s always “well you’ll never make it to that because xyz will come true by then.”

@Catlove9 We are twins!!!!! Honestly it's ridiculous. I'm still worried I've thrown a baby off a bridge. I have no excitement to live atm as I just feel the same as you've mentioned.

@Ilovedylan20@ Yup same here. I have all those same exact feelings.

@Catlove9 Makes me so sad. I am really enjoying talking to you and am so thankful for your words. Feeling less alone is half the battle I think.

@Ilovedylan20@ I agree. Sometimes feeling like you’re the only one, makes it so much harder. How are you doing resisting compulsions?

@Catlove9 Not too bad, Trying so hard to not mentally ruminate and review the past 🥵 I just feel my world is ending and I need to be prepared for it :(

@Ilovedylan20@ Omg me too! I have this dark cloud over me. I feel like this disgusting human being

@Catlove9 Yes!!!! Even when I'm out enjoying myself my mind is like " nope don't enjoy it you'll be in prison soon". I feel so sad today. I just want to know :( I want this storm to be over and I want to enjoy my life

@Ilovedylan20@ Me too. But I guess we need to keep going realizing we will never know what happened or what will happen. My harm ocd is bad right now because it makes me feel like I want to hurt people, even though I do not want to hurt anyone.

@Catlove9 Yes it gives us false Senses of urges :( do you think it's a compulsion to go back to the place to see if I remember what was below the bridge?