Joke time

The New Priest & His First Mass A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T" When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry." The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Jesus is watching you A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their German Shepherd Jesus".

Son leaves a note A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home

So much from me. Now it's your turn. Come on people. Let's laugh. Life must be more than just opsessing, worrying,....

Just one more: A daughter and mother are talking. "You're dating John, the neighbor?!", asks the mother. "He is 30 years older than you, it's-" "But I love him!", she interrupts. "What do you mean you love him, he could be your father!" "I don't care about his age, he loves me too!" "I think you misunderstood me."

This is a true story. I have a crush on this guy in my Choi Kwang do Class. His name is Levi, and he is my sister’s little brother’s best friend, or like good friend or something. And I get a specific face when he’s around. My face grows hot,  And I get very nervous, and I blush. My friend Eva, who is the sister, I told her about Levi. And what happens to me when he’s around, And she says Hey, yeah. You do have a specific face. Me: what? Her: Yeah, you get a very specific face Me: oh my gosh. And Inside I go, Oh nononono. If she noticed, then Levi did!! And I have been living in fear for the past 24 hours

Sorry my best friends little brother

Another one is I’m about to do the stupidest thing in the world. Eva read me a poem that was super cute. And I told her that I was going to be writing a note to Levi and I told her This was a dumb idea. And then she suggests That I use the poem that she read me. And I’ll see him again on Tuesday. We are usually hanging out at the same wall while we wait for our mothers. I’m going to give him the note then, and then go outside and wait for my mother to pick me up. I don’t want Jason to find out. That’s Eva’s little brother. And I confirmed with her, Levi is good friends with Jason. I’m so scared if he finds out. Jason and I are good friends, we like a lot of the same things. I don’t wanna lose a friend because of a stupid crush, and a stupid note!!!🤣🤣🤣🤣

Hello. I am fine, thank you. I am glad you're fine. How long is your school break? Happy birthday to your brother. How old is he? I am OK now. I was sick from Saturday evening till today. I ate in a restaurant on Saturday and felt sick. In the evening we ate a cake made by the same restaurant and 4 hours later, my stomach acted up, reflux and I thought I was going to end up in hospital. Spitting out a water like clear liquid from my stomach. From 2 till over 3h a. m. on the night from Saturday to Sunday. I still have half of the cake left. Like 6-8 big pieces but I am too scared to eat it. Any plans for the school holidays?