How can I overcome guilt and obsession over perceived emotional infidelity?

Rocd

Hi- I’ve come here because I feel so overwhelmed with my emotions and how to deal with them. I have a male colleague who I have been working with and consider a friend. We would text casually as friends but I stopped because I didn’t want him or my husband to get the wrong impression. My colleague knew I was married, but continued to text me casually. I made sure to always mention my husband. At that time I didn’t think it was a big deal so I would respond to be nice (and since we were co workers) but had no intention behind it. I wasn’t sure if he had a crush on me because he didn’t tell me but I sort of had a feeling he did? Anyway our company went on a work incentive trip and I met him in person for the first time. I even introduced my husband and they got along. I thought everything was good until I started to notice I wanted his attention and wanted him to notice me? I think I wanted to get it out of him out of him if he liked me or not. He continued to text me while on the trip and one night told me I looked pretty (i said thank you) then proceeded to text me if I would have a drink at the bar with him. I did not respond to his texts or show my husband as I didn’t want to cause a scene during the rest of the trip. None of that happened either. I thought to not make things weird I would text him the next day as if nothing happened. Anyway, I felt so guilty after coming home from the trip that I shared every single detail with my husband and have convinced myself that I cheated. My husband is the most amazing man I’ve ever met and it kills me that I can’t be in the moment with him and I’ve become obsessed with compulsions and checking to see if I’ve cheated. Even if my husband said I didn’t and he forgives me and to move on, I can’t stop replaying every single interaction and how I felt then and what I’ve texted or of I came across as if I was flirting. I confess to him every night to help me feel better but it only works for a little. I really want to move past this but it’s become so overwhelming that when we’re with other couple friends I have a thought to compare if our marriage is as good as theirs or if they have experienced similar struggles and it kills me that this issue has caused me so much stress to even ruminate the fact if I love my husband or if this means there is a stain on our marriage and I can’t move in from it. I was at such a happy place in my life and thought nothing would ever come between me and my husband but I just want move past this guilt or thoughts of me cheating. Please share some advice if you can thank you

Username: ivrecivrec

Date posted: 1y ago

Your husband knows you didn’t cheat and by asking him again you are strengthening ocd by doing a compulsion and also putting unnecessary strain on your relationship. Learning to sit with the anxiety ocd causes is very difficult so don’t beat yourself up. Maybe by telling yourself you are looking for reassurance and that is a compulsion that makes ocd worse will help as long as you don’t use that as a compulsion.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

@ivrec Thank you - this helps so much. I can’t help but feel so frustrated he has moved on and constantly has to tell me I didn’t do anything wrong but when I try to sit with the ocd I feel like I will just convince myself that I did in fact cheat and won’t move forward. I like telling reassuring myself that I didn’t cheat, I love my husband and to move on and to not put myself in that situation again since it’s a trigger. I hope this makes me feel better and just ultimately forget overall about the compulsion. Thanks so much for your advice again

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Fellow reassurance-seeker here 👋. Just remember over time we dig out a deep road through are brain between trigger and relief and that road is made up of our compulsion. We think that road is the only way out so we drive on it over and over simply creating a strong neural pattern in our brain. But the truth is that other roads exist, they are just overgrown and not well-maintained and we forgot about them after OCD took over. The more you choose to let the thoughts pass through your mind and refuse to drive down the reassurance and rumination road, and instead pick a different road which in this case is shrugging your shoulders and saying “maybe I did, maybe I didn’t” and moving forward, that road becomes the primary road and the other ones starts to fade

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous Also I try to always remember I get to be a new and different person every day so no matter what my brain tries to tell me about how im a bad person, I have the option to make new choices and do different things tomorrow.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous I appreciate this thanks so much!

Username: sazMarsazMar

Date posted: 1y ago

I’ve been here a few times where I’ve had an overwhelming feeling that I’ve cheated on my partner with no actual memory or evidence just the anxiety that I’ve done something bad. I’ve even asked the person before if it happened to convince my OCD brain, I know know it was all in my head but it took time for me to realise this

Username: Mrs.Bee🐝

Date posted: 5y ago

So I have confess to things I did in the past. And just note that I never cheated on my husband but did talk to alot of male friends back in the day 6 years ago when were just bf and gf now married 1 year married and been together for almost 7 years. But it was always for advice reason why I talked to my male friends. It's too long to explain long story short. I'm suppose to do emdr and for some reason I feel guilt so much guilt like if I cheated but I didnt!! I never even met up with these friends of mine. I know they were flirty at times but i ignore them when that conversation came about. Anyway I'm suppose to do emdr. And I'm afraid something somewhere it will come out that I cheated. I'm so scared I'm so happy in my relationship I dont want anything to ruin it. Why does this guilt roaming around. I hate this. I didn't do anything wrong it's been years I dont talk to anyone! Literally noone. Why does this haunt me! Like if my male friends will tell a lie to my husband that I have cheated but I didnt. Do you all understand me? I obsess over this everyday! Is better obsessing over this than suicidal thoughts everyday. I finally got a break from that. Someone HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP ASAP.

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 4y ago

Fun new obsession! I worked under a TA who I thought was super hot. I was happily committed to my now husband, but at the time I still harbored a lot of attraction toward this man, to the point of occasionally fantasizing about him. I felt awful about it then and I feel bad about it now. I’m trying to rack my brain and make sure nothing inappropriate ever happened, I can remember hoping he thought I looked good and wanting him to think I was funny but I never did anything besides my work when I was with him. I’m convinced this makes me a bad person or even worse, that I’m destined to cheat on my husband. Other instances happened when I was drunk, never to the point of cheating thank god, but flirtations with other men. This hasn’t happened since I was a freshman in college as I stopped heavily drinking and realized how much I needed to work to be the best version of myself. I constantly feel guilty, like I need to atone for what happened. This is almost worse than the crippling HOCD I’ve been fighting. Please help❤️ and thanks if you made it this far lol

Username: _MO

Date posted: 2y ago

ROCD

I am in a really bad spot with my ROCD right now. I have been having terrible fears that I married the wrong person and that I don’t actually love him. One of my obsessions has been surrounding a guy friend of mine from a few years ago and wondering if I would’ve been better off married to him (we never dated, I was dating my husband then). But now I’m worried because If OCD attaches to what we love and value most, I’m concerned that I truly love that other guy - and even if I am having OCD, the fact that I’m obsessing over him/his wife and the idea I might’ve been better with him, doesn’t that mean something??? Anyone else experience this? I feel so beat down.

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How can I overcome guilt and obsession over perceived emotional infidelity?

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