- Date posted
- 2y
I’ve been at peace but my peace recently came crashing down.
Preamble- what was meant to be a quick description of an OCD relapse became a long post on how it has effected me over the years. Forgive me, but it felt right as I was typing it. I remember my first episode almost 30 years ago, I was hanging with my best bud watching Kill Bill volume 2. Out of nowhere the image using my knife on him popped into my head. Guilt driven I swore off all violent media because it was what I was watching when it happened. I dug a hole threw my knife in it and tried to only be positive, even moved hoping a change of scenery would help. The condition only got worse. No matter how much I tried to avoid anything triggering the thoughts would come. I sought help from a local therapist but she was completely blown away at the concept of what was going on in my head. She listened to me and gave me some prescription drugs to try to help. They didn’t work. Eventually online research led me to people describing ‘pure O’. Knowing others were fighting the same fight was heartening and heartbreaking. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Many people described how they dealt with it which was accepting it. Let the thoughts flow and accept them. Coincidentally my buddy (from the original trigger moment) sent me copies of Fallout 3, Dragon Age, inquisition, and Call of Duty MW2. I didn’t want to play them at all at first. No violent media after all, but he kept asking me if I played them. I broke down and started playing Dragon Age and Fallout as I thought them being a fantasy game and unrealistic I could get by. I got lost in Fallout, doing every side mission, leveling up, and collecting all the Easter eggs in the game. The deaths of the characters, which often left them as piles of meat, didn’t trigger me. I still suffered the OCD, but while I was playing I didn’t know it existed. Fueled by the relief I got from Fallout and the advice from my research, I moved onto CoD MW2. The game has an infamous mission which lets you attack civilians. I didn’t, but something about it made my violent thoughts feel silly and ridiculous. I started playing multiplayer with my nephews. One was too damn good at the game. It was nearly impossible to win a game against him and he’d level up before I could and would get the best perks (abilities) and guns before me. The little snot even perfected denying kills (points) to me by equipping Last Stand, an ability that lets you fight after someone ’kills’ you, and blowing himself up with a frag grenade. Soon enough I was going days without a triggering experience. A thought would pop up and I’d laugh it off. 13 years later I was in a happy place. I have a good well paying job. Great co workers, and I vicariously get the satisfaction of family through my brother’s family. Two weeks ago I had a bloody image in my head of hitting someone from behind with a pairing knife. It was the most violent thought I had in years. I tried to laugh it off and move on, but I found that impossible. I’ve been ruminating about it off and on since. Sometimes acquiring peace of mind only to think ‘I wish those thought would go away altogether’ and have them crashing back in. I’ve gone to dark places in the past few weeks that I never have been before. Even playing the games I credit for my peace don’t give me the relief they used to. I find myself wondering if anyone has had a similar relapse and how they’ve recovered from it.