Maybe I am a bad person

@BigGip09 I understand and I know just bc someone says something it won’t help at least not rn yk. I know It feels like you won’t get better and live without having these thoughts shoved down ur throat every 2 seconds but it will! I didn’t think so either but I got better too! I’m dealing with something different rn and I honestly am having a hard time having hope but I see everyone on here dealing with OCD stuff too and it makes me feel a bit better. So trust me you aren’t alone and this will all pass. I know me saying this won’t help but you are not a bad person. A bad person wouldn’t care at all yet you care so much. Sometimes our minds alter past memories too! My mind did that and it was the worst I was in a terrible place. But over time it stopped bothering me and I never thought that was ever gonna happen. So I know you’ll get better too

@Starfish Maybe I care too much. Other people wouldn't care and others would have forgotten about it. Somehow people are able to still call me a good person and think its not as bad as I think it is. I'm always thinking about the past and what I got careless with, and my thoughts spiral and say so much. Somehow I just think other people don't have it as bad and I'm the worst in comparison.

@BigGip09 It’s completely normal to think that you have it worse. I even think like that too! I used to spiral as well I had ROCD and my mind convinced me I was a cheater! One night I spiraled so much about how I could’ve cheated without knowing and maybe flirted with other guys! I had a really bad anxiety attack that night. I’m only telling you this so you can maybe relate and see that if I got better you can too. We may spiral about different things but our one thing in common is that we thought/think we are bad people when we aren’t

@Starfish I've never had anything with ROCD in particular but I get your point. I try to see that all of this worrying means that I don't want whatever my OCD tells me but at the same time, I worry so much because I feel that I'm just bad. Especially with what happened several weeks ago when my elbow made contact with a woman's butt. At this point, in regretful and sad that it happened and I don't want to keep thinking about it anymore. It hasn't happened again, I don't want it to happen, and it's draining to the point where it's hard to do day to day things. This really got me mad earlier today but now it's just got me upset and feeling meh

@BigGip09 Don’t worry accidents happen I promise that lady didn’t think about it again! That’s happened to me before I’ve accidentally grabbed peoples hands too. Also what you did was 100% not bad at all! I know ocd will convince you otherwise but I just wanted to put that out there. I understand it probably upsets you that something so innocent can get you so stressed but you should try thinking about these things on purpose until ur suds go down. I had to do this and it’s hard but it helped a lot!

@Starfish Yeah it does think otherwise and it does make it seem like it wasn't an accident and I caused harm to this person. I can't let it go and it ruined my entire day. It's honestly been hard to tell myself that I should be kind and keep up hope but it's the only way to keep going. I just have to keep telling myself that this one thing that happened doesn't conclude my entire character. That stuff is hard. Especially when it's all I think about all day. I keep getting people telling me that I shouldn't be hard on myself and keep thinking about it.

I ruminate on the fact that it was an accident or not and can't seem to get past that.

@BigGip09 I know it was an accident don’t worry 👍🏽 You wouldn’t do it on purpose bc if you did then how come you care rn? You have a good heart man I can tell

@Starfish I try telling myself that but it's just reassurance in the end. I just want to stop thinking about it. The reason why I flip flop on it are the thoughts I got before and after it happened and I didn't say sorry

@BigGip09 I know she didn’t think much of it bc it was an honest accident

@Starfish I don't think she's thinking of it but I'm still ruminating about it. I've done it pretty much all day today. I don't even remember why i let this happen anymore. I guess it was because of the thoughts I was having and wanted to do the opposite of what they were saying. The more I ruminate on why I did it the worst I feel because it feels like it wasn't on purpose. I wouldn't want to do that to somebody. I guess I was trying to do the opposite of what the thought said by making contact and still be a good person because it was calling me a bad person. At one point I can see through this but by the other I can't

@BigGip09 Accidents happen and ur a good person I know you wouldn’t do that on purpose ever! Thoughts can be confusing and convince us of something we aren’t but we are not our thoughts! Have you tried exposure therapy? It’ll be difficult but it’ll really help

@BigGip09 I honestly don't think I intended to gain any pleasure from this because that's really gross I think at first I just wanted to stop listening to my intrusive thoughts so much. I think it kept saying something like "move your arm don't make contact" and it went back and forth with that and I guess I said "what if I just focus on zipping up my bag and ignore what the OCD says, so what if I make contact with a person while I do this thing, but unfortunately it was there of all places and at first I was okay because I guess I was just beating whatever the thoughts said but then it took it a step further and convinced me of sexually assaulting her and then panic spiked and never left. Ever since then I made sure I never made contact with someone like that and if I did I say sorry but there were few times where I didn't say sorry even after this event if I touch someone by accident without touching them. It's like I knew there would be contact because it was crowded but I still don't want it to happen even though it does and it can be inevitable Sigh. I don't know

@Starfish I don't know I don't think it was an accident but at the same time I never wanted it to happen and I would never do that to someone with that intention and it's horrifying. I'm trying to do exposure therapy by finding an OCD specialist. I don't know how to do it on my own or if I can at all

@BigGip09 I know it was an accident you don’t have intentions like that. You can do it!! I didn’t think so either but I did and it took some time

@Starfish Hi, thank you. I'm doing better with handling these distressing thoughts about the event. They still bother me but not as much because I know it's OCD and not who I am. Thanks

@BigGip09 I’m glad ur doing better and np!

@Starfish Thanks! I'm doing somewhat better but I just keep getting stuck because of low self esteem and what OCD really does in terms of side effects

@BigGip09 I know it’ll get better and just remember whatever ur mind says or the side effects OCD gives you it’s not you it’s ur OCD. Low self esteem comes with anxiety sadly but you have no reason to think low about yourself. Everyone has intrusive thoughts even people without OCD but they are just thoughts and they change nothing about yourself.

@Starfish OCD is pretty much why I think low of myself. My past actions, my addiction, my impulsive behaviors, how I've been feeling lately. It's all why I've been feeling low. Even with high self esteem, I was never a confident person. I just don't know how people do it tbh.

@BigGip09 I’m not a confident person either but it’s okay as long as you have enough confidence to get thru the day that’s all you need! Past actions helped you learn and grow as a person! Instead of looking in the past look at you now and see how much you’ve grown

@Starfish Idk that's just really hard for me. Feels like I've failed because of those past events and that failure won't go away even if they were accidents

@BigGip09 At this point I'm convinced I did it for a testing/checking compulsion that went horribly wrong and not the way I wanted it to go. I just keep replaying the event in my head and I just remember when I wasn't scared because I thought it wouldn't matter if we did or didn't make contact and I was zipping up my bag but then the intrusive thoughts and anxiety kicked in strongly and they were turned into something else

@BigGip09 It’s okay you were trying to do an exposure. If anything you proved to yourself that you wouldn’t ever hurt anyone! I know you are convinced you did it for another reason but you never had those intentions. Even if you’d had certain thoughts it’s okay bc thoughts don’t define you. I can say I’m a strawberry but I’m not, thoughts aren’t us they are just thoughts ⭐️ it’s hard I understand I was convinced I was a terrible person I didn’t even wanna get up anymore. But I started doing exposures and I realized it’s gonna be okay I’m not my thoughts. So I’m here to tell you that it’s gonna be okay and I know it doesn’t feel like it at all but it will be! I’m going through something rn too and it’s stopping my life like I physically get sick when I have anxiety attacks. I’m trying to get better for my family and bf and it’s really tough rn but I’m gonna keep trying bc I know I’ll be okay 👍🏽

@Starfish Yeah, I know for a fact that I didn't plan on it through the entire time I was at class. I think it was an exposure because I refuse to let myself believe that I would do something that awful to someone and not feel bad about it. This comes up a lot with staring OCD but I'm just trying to get myself to be better. I'm doing pretty good in other areas of my life but my academics is messed up. I'm just trying to be kinder to myself and go easy with the thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I deserve it. I wish I can get that feeling more often. I'm hoping ERP will eliminate those feelings of you being a bad person once and for all.