Has anyone else lost the desire for a partner because of years of not being able to start a relationship? I’ve been single for almost twenty years and I’ve given up on every potential relationship before it even began because I just knew it wouldn’t work out or I’d get hurt or some reason or other. I’ve stopped looking now and would probably turn someone down even if they asked.
I’ve convinced myself that they don’t want me and relationships are a bad thing. I feel like what is the point but in a genuine none depressed way… which is sort of depressing ironically.
I’m in a happy healthy relationship right now and we’re planning to be together for a long time ❤️. But it came with the price of doing the things i feared, opening up, being vulnerable.
@Tenzin I’ve got a lot of explaining to do with anyone that comes along for me then. I have some pretty bad themes. What if I tell someone and they do what any normal person would and tell someone else?
@Newb82 It’s simple, if you’re too scared and don’t want to take any risks, or grow, that is fine but you won’t find someone/have something. Something healthy at least.
@Tenzin I’ll try.
@Newb82 you’ll get there one day keep faith, put in the hard work, live with love.
I am the same, something within says that no one really wants to be with me and no one will truly like me
@Studybug It is horrible. I am sorry we have to go through it.
I'm in the same spot. Jung liked to say that our purpose was the contribute to the collective unconsciousness. You are under no obligation to reproduce if you don't want to. Try to find out what the root cause of your feelings are.
@MSR72 That’s a tangled web to get into tbh. There’s been different forms of abuse in my life. I’d love a relationship that worked out but I think I would go through too much emotional trauma to ever get to that stage. I’m scared if anything and I’m not sure if after twenty years of getting nowhere that I’ll ever get past it. I need therapy for sure.
@Newb82 You'd be surprised. I'm in EXACTLY the same spot. I had two separate narcissists wreck me at the same time and my only parent died. It was brutal. What it took was escape and healing time. You may need those first before you can get to the crux of whether you want a relationship.
@MSR72 I’m sorry your parent died and that you had to deal with narcissists. I had to deal with a woman with BPD who I was friends with. She was lovely deep down and I know her problems were illness related but her illness was a total mismatch with mine and she hurt me quite bad. I don’t wish her any harm and I know it is time to move on. I don’t trust anyone not to hurt me though and I don’t trust any relationship to work.
@Newb82 I feel you man. I don't really want to try again because I'm afraid I'll get sold down the river again. Tried out Tinder and saw a narc lady up front say "I'll meet your family and slowly replace you." Like how evil is that, to remove a person's ground 0 support system. We are better than our abusers, and so we must find people who match our caliber.
@MSR72 Thanks. The other thing is I don’t see anyone for me. I see people in relationships, people that are too old, too young, people I’m not into, people out of my league… then if after twenty years I get with someone I have to either explain my OCD themes or be scared my secrets will get out the whole time.
I’ve never really dated before out of fear of being rejected or being emotionally abused. So this was the third date with the first guy I’ve dated in years. Last time he said he wanted to kiss me and that’s all that was on my mind. I was afraid of being bad or not liking it so we didn’t kiss and I felt terrible. I was telling myself that I should be thankful that someone is so patient with me and this is why I’m gonna die alone, because I’m so judgmental when it comes to dating….. and I couldn’t stop. I kept ruminating until I later on the couch, closed my eyes, and started giving myself grace. I had shut down for over 30 minutes. And now I’m scared of dating in general.
At this point of my life I barely have compulsions, barely let them control me, but recently I have realised my OCD is still keeping itself alive by holding me back and making me avoid stuff since I cut compulsions. So I don’t do compulsions but I avoid. And when it comes to SO OCD, I avoid dating. I am in the age where it’s the most common thing to do, I have friends who are getting married and I still haven’t seriously dated my entire life. If I date I date to marry. But it’s making it even harder. My brain tells me I can’t date to marry or date at all because no man will accept the possibility that I am bisexual or the fact I might have intrusive thoughts over sexuality. Worse than that, what’s actually holding me back is the fact that in one of our dates I know I’ll have to bring this up. And what if the man will start to get stressed over it? What if it’ll be too much for him and he’ll leave? And worse-tell the people that know both me and him all the personal things I told him about me having SO OCD? I can’t do this.. I don’t want to do this to myself I don’t want to let go of this secret to any man who can just leave me because of it at any point.. that’s what’s holding me back from dating.. and I want to be brave, I want to just go for it, I want to let it go but am too afraid I am just selling myself and my darkest secrets out there for men who can cancel me at any moment. I gave up on dating… it’s all too complicated for me and I have this voice in the back of my head telling me maybe I wasn’t born for it. Maybe I wasn’t born to get married or be in a relationship, maybe I am not good enough for all of this.. and then OCD adds its own stuff.. maybe I am gay and dating would be lying to myself and the men I date.. too much responsibility..
My trauma has always prevented me from pursuing a romantic relationship, I’ve always been super terrified of pursuing something with someone for just about every reason I could conjure up. Now, I’ve met someone and I’ve tried so, so hard to push away all those anxieties to make it work; but I feel like the more involved I get, I become more scared and I dwell on more things that may be signs that our “relationship” should end. I keep thinking over and over that I’m not good enough for them, I might be their “target,” they’re not right for me, our feelings are not mutual, it couldn’t work out between us, my friends and family would not approve, I’m not ready for it, etc. Recently, I tried to break things off with them because they were too tall for me. I started sobbing because I was scared that I was being and awful person and I had completely screwed everything up between us. I wanna know if this sounds like ROCD ? I always had a hunch that I could have, but I had never gotten far enough into a relationship to find out. Please feel free to ask me any clarifying questions. Right now I’m probably not making much sense haha.
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