Date posted: 2y

Weird state rn but need to vent

I’m in a weird state right now and I don’t even know what to think anymore. I just realized that 2021 and some of 2022 were two of the worst years in my life and I hate that. I was told a big family secret (learned that my sister was raped by our uncle when she was a kid) and also learned that my boyfriends little sister was raped by her uncle (happened multiple times and she was a kid as well). I think learning these things happened have messed me up and I feel like I’m ignoring it because it’s so hard to deal with. When I first learned about what had happened to my sister I was in a state of shock, confusion, hurt(learned about how my mom handled the situation), and feeling so many things. I couldn’t believe that we were living with my sisters rapist for so many years and that I had once thought of him as a father figure when I was younger since I didn’t have a dad present growing up. I couldn’t believe that I had hugged my sisters rapist and even now that he lives not even a block away from me. It was just something so earth shattering that I wasn’t able to process healthily at all because I’m the only sibling of 4 besides my sister that know about what had happened. There are periods in my life where my OCD gets really bad and I become super obsessive over doing or thinking different things even without meaning to. Though some of my recent obsessions have stemmed from the trauma that I learned about from those two people that I care about. There was time when I was so scared of other members of my family getting raped as well then that fear turned me being afraid of being raped than it turned into a fear of what if I do something so terrible like that to someone. My OCD will sometimes really put me in a state of fear that lasts days, weeks, and even for months. In these last two years I have developed more OCD subtypes and it just makes me so miserable sometimes to where I’d rather just give up and not be here because I feel like I don’t belong here. I know there’s good times in these last two years as well and I’ve had my break throughs when it comes to OCD but there are some days where I just can’t forget all that’s happened. I don’t know if someone will read this but I just had to get it off my chest also sorry if it doesn’t make sense

NODA

Date posted: 2y

Wow!!!! And I thought my 2019-2022 were bad!?! Wow! I am speachless! Oh my Lord! Sorry, all I can say is wow! I am soooooooo sorry for you, your sister,.... You are a lot stronger than you feel! I have no idea how I would survive sth like that. I think I would either end up in jail for strangling the two men or would just simply lose my sanity. Whatever thoughts you've been dealing with because of what had happened are completely "normal"/common to occur in ocd. Just remember. They are just thoughts. You are not thoughts. Neither are you, not your uncle,.... You are a warmhearted caring person, who cares so much, that these thoughts upset you and scare you. Those two men had thoughts, they didn't freak out because of the discusting thoughts, they acted upon the thoughts. See the difference?!? OCD is bad, but it doesn't attack bad people by nature. It attacks those who care, otherwise there would be no point for ocd. No fun. OCD would say, You want to rape a minor. And the bad person would say, yes I do and I am going to. The end for OCD. OCD only has fun when it can confuse and bully a person. Do you have any way to get help? Therapy, meds to help you quiet your anxiety and unwanted thoughts? I think you did an excellent thing when you decided to write about your experiences here at NOCD. I might not be able to help or give the appropriate advice, but there might be someone there with similar trauma or with the knowledge. Looking at your profile picture, I guess you are a female. What is the age difference between you and the two victims? How are they coping? Is any of them going to report the men to the authorities? How is it at all possible to live so close to the rapists and see them nonstop? Do you talk with them? How? Can you still do that knowing what monsters they are? What about your mom? I would " die and kill" to protect my child. Did she know all along? Has she done anything about it since? Where do you live? Do these sort of things happen often in your state? Is that sth, where everyone is shocked and angry, but Noone does anything, because it happens all the time? Please feel free to share. I am sending you lots of love. To you and your sister and your bf's sister. Big hug. 😇😇😇🙏🙏🙏🤗🤗🤗🎂

0.0

Date posted: 2y

I honestly was so close to just wanting to harm my uncle because who does that to a child and how could live with yourself for doing something so terrible. There was days (sometimes even now) where I thought about just running over to his house and hurting him for what he did to my sister. As for my boyfriends little sister it’s more unknown because I’m in a long distance relationship so I don’t see him often and she hasn’t told me much of which uncle of hers did it. I would mainly think about wishing I could protect her and wish I could tell my boyfriend but I’ve been keeping it a secret for her until she’s ready. You have no idea how much your reply has made me feel better and honestly I’ve never thought about it like that. I was so scared of myself and wanted to kill myself because I’d rather die than harming anyone in anyway especially one so bad like my uncle did to my sister. My sister is older than me by seven years (I’m 20) and my boyfriends little sister is still just a kid and is only 11. My sister is doing better since it happened years ago but I still see how it affects her but only pieced it together after I learned what had happened. My boyfriends little sister is a different story since I can’t see her as often as my sister but I can tell it’s affected her heavily (I know she had a past of self harm and a eating disorder). My sister tried to go to court for my uncle but in the end he’s a free man. Back then I was too young to know why we all had been taken to CPS and asked questions (I didn’t even know what CPS was at that time since I was like 7 or 8). My boyfriends little sister hasn’t told any of her family and I don’t want to do anything against her choice unless obviously she’s still in danger though I really wish I could tell her mom and my boyfriend. The thing that I hate about my family is that things are brushed under the rug and made to seem like nothing ever happened in the first place. Since my sister, my mom, and I are the only ones who know about the rape from our family we are all still forced to go see my uncles family. Though after I found out I stopped going around to hang out with my cousins and basically stopped seeing my aunt, uncle, and their kids. I don’t understand why my mom still goes to talk to my aunt if my uncle is still with her and with my aunt not being a good person herself. When I’m forced or put in a situation where I have to see my uncle (like me coming out my room not knowing he’s over) and stuff like that I just try to get away from him as quick as I could. I can no longer talk to my uncle knowing what a monster he is and can’t even look at him because of how disgusted I am now knowing what he did. Being in the same room as he is makes me so upset and pissed off. The reason I mentioned being hurt in my post was because my sister told me about how my mom reacted to the situation. She basically told my sister to tell the police and to say when my sister was in court that it was our dad who raped her since he was never coming back home. She said to say this because we were living with my uncles family and had no where else to go if he was sent to prison and that things like this happen to women. After I learned that I couldn’t look at my mom for weeks. I understand that she couldn’t have maintained us on her own and that maybe she has her own trauma but to not really protect my sister really hurt me. I live in Las Vegas and I’m not sure about how often these things happen in my state but I do know sex trafficking is common here I think. I know that every family (besides his wife and kids who know) that know about what happened to my sister dislike him and think he’s a bad person which he is. Thank you for replying as your reply really helped me out🤍

NODA

Date posted: 2y

Hello. Thank you for your answer. I really appreciate it. I am thinking about you and everything you wrote and I will reply to you longer as soon as I find some time on my own, alone. I am sending you my support. My heart goes out to you, your sister and your bf's sister. You are a wonderful person!!!!!!!!!! That's why both girls trusted you and told you about the horrible situations they were forced to go through and deal with.

NODA

Date posted: 2y

I am sending all 3 of you biiiiiiig hugs and lots of love. You are in my prayers. 🙏🙏🙏😇😇😇🌹🌹🌹🤗🤗🤗❣️❣️❣️

basillemontea

Date posted: 21w

Obsessions concerning s*x

TW: themes of sexual abuse, exploitation, etc Hello I am feeling a bit distressed today. I realized I have pretty “sex negative” views which I feel like many stem from OCD and trauma. Some of my feelings are good and I would argue most stem from a healthy place but I feel like they impact my life and emotional state on an unhealthy level. For example feel VERY strongly about CSA, rape, sexual exploitation of any kind, unethical sex etc. I have a strong pattern recognization ability and see how so many things people deem as “sex positive” (porn, onlyfans, casual sex etc) have a net negative effect on society (abuse, cheating, stds, etc) I think a good amount of the population agrees with these values so I don’t feel alone in that but I feel like I spend so much time being sad over these things. I used to listen to a lot of sexual music growing up (mainly mainstream pop like Ke$ha and Rihanna) and then in my teens I listened to a lot of rap. I noticed how this made me sexualize myself growing up which makes me very uncomfortable and sad. Another thing which makes me sad is how so much of the population was exposed to pornography at a young age. I recently was at a estate sale and there were old playboy magazines and this man was showing his son who looked to be about 9 the magazines and it made me so uncomfortable because that’s grooming and abuse. I didn’t know what to do so I just said “ew” but I still feel guilty I did not do anything more. I just don’t know how to cope with these feelings. I am also Catholic and the abuse crisis has deeply impacted my ability to practice my faith. Two priests whom were close to my family got exposed for sexually abusing children. This is a big reason I have not been able to go to confession (which leads me to being unable to receive the Eucharist, which is a big deal). I constantly obsess over the fact I won’t be able to tell who is a sexual predator and it brings me great distress. Also, sexual music, sex scenes in movies, sexual jokes etc all make me deeply uncomfortable. Hearing about my friend’s sexual lives also makes me very uncomfortable and sad for them, in a way, if I deem their experiences unethical. I feel very upset when people sexualize themselves. I also hate when I experience sexual feelings myself and often find myself wishing I was asexual even though I wish to get married and be a mother. I feel judged by society for being a “prude” “puritanical” etc which feels incredibly invalidating as a lot of my trauma involves exploitation under the guise of “liberation” I don’t really know where I’m going here I think I just want to know if anyone feels similarly. I don’t find many people with views and feelings similar to myself. A lot of people online who I feel like my views overlap with (other Catholics, radical feminists, etc) have views which stem from a lot of judgement and hate whereas I feel like I just want everyone to be safe and happy. I think a lot of my feelings stem from my trauma but obsessions from OCD? For my other forms of OCD (contamination, harm, etc) I feel like exposure therapy helps but I don’t know how I’d go about exposure therapy with this then without further causing more distress. I feel very nervous opening up with anyone about this theme. If you read to the end thank you so much❤️‍🩹 I am sorry if this post was triggering at all to anyone else I just didn’t know where to go to open up about this :(

Young adults with OCD

BigGyro09

Date posted: 20w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

flowerpetals

Date posted: 12w

word vomit

i’ve just been feeling so off lately. i’m okay right now, but a couple hours ago i was in this mood where i felt anxiety creeping up. like i will feel like there’s danger when there isn’t. i just get this really uncomfortable feeling that something feels wrong even when it isn’t. and i’ve been feeling derealization/depersonalization. just really disconnected from myself and the world. i’ve also been unmotivated to where there are times when the thought of doing things upsets me. and i’ve been having existential thoughts that do not mesh well with harm ocd. i get the thought “if people aren’t real then it’s okay to hurt them”. it sucks because there are times where i just don’t even care to ruminate and find reassurance that that’s not the case. furthermore, i’ve just been really aware of my existence. i will get moments where i’m so aware of my existence and it freaks me out. like the fact that i’m a living human being is crazy to me. then there are times when i’m not even anxious about anything which then has me questioning and ruminating on that because i ALWAYS have something i’m worrying about. i’ve also been feeling really nostalgic and bittersweet of the good memories from the past. i keep thinking about good times i’ve had and really wishing i could relive it. for example, last summer was a pretty good summer even with my ocd. and i just wish i could relive some of those moments, but i obviously can’t. and it’s been upsetting me because this month has been shitty with my anxiety. as for an update with my room change to those of you curious, i still have anxiety over it and my mom is taking it as me being ungrateful with what i have when it’s my ocd making a huge deal of it. that upsets me especially since i’ve told her what’s been going on and she was really understanding of it. anyways, life has just been a bit much and i’ve been dealing with more to my anxiety that i don’t appreciate. while worrying about constantly throwing up with my contamination ocd is incredibly exhausting, it’s so normal to me that i’m used to it. but when my harm ocd kicks in along with other themes that aren’t usually common for me, i freak out and feel like i’m going insane. i genuinely wonder how people have dealt with taboo topics of ocd without treatment for years on end. i’ve had harm intrusive thoughts since i was little, but it didn’t get to any extreme until 2023. i feel like i’m drowning in it when it decides to hit me and the thought of having to deal with it for the rest of my life?? i’m scared something in me will flip and i’ll become what my thoughts are telling me i am. i apologize for the mixed thoughts that are all over the place but i feel safe posting on here about it and want to hear how y’all are doing

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Weird state rn but need to vent

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