I think therapy and treatment didnt worked...

I have to write out this anger or stress, i think therapy and psychotherapy didnt helped me, cause my psychologist described ocd not like how it is, and i always heared that my ocd is different then others, i "MADE" mine so i can save myself with something(i have harm/suicidal ocd btw, she told me i dont want to die but i want to stop the pain...), and everytime i felt like she pushes this idea that i have depression and ocd is the symptom while its the opposite. I always felt like thats where the whole thing leads too and it did, then i even accepted that i have depression, then i started to search for a reason why, and i got told to not do it cause theres no reason. I still did it and im glad i did. I found some things that happened in the past that made my self-image really bad, but it still wanst depression. So the last time i was talking with her, told her everything, and throughout that she just stared me like she doesnt care and held her head, like i was making her feel annoyed. And i noticed it too. And at the end she told me i talk too much and to change that write out my thought and then check what thought makes sense and what doesnt. Yeah this helped but couldnt she told me in the beginning to stop cause this doesnt maked any sense... she just sit there like she didnt care and made me angry. And i was told many times to not watch videos or read about things that could help me which in some cases its true but if i didnt do that i would be still there believing that im a depressed person for some reason... because i read about my condition and watch videos i could realize that its ocd and overthinking and depression is a symptom of that... and im not even trying to run from pain, its just harm and suicidal ocd... And the therapist, it was actually really good, the problem was that he diagnosed me with ocpd and ocd, while the psychologist diagnosed me with depression... And in the last therapy he told be about "non-duality" and i searched about that, watched videos and the whole thing made me more stressed, its too much for me... i dont like these "nothing has a meaning, everything is fake" phylosophies, and the people who live with these and makes videos about these are hipsters who live in the forest and smoke mushroooms(sorry if i offend someone, im not into that thing) So at the end i really feel like i did more thing for myself then therapy or psychotherapy did (God and people helped alot too)