- Date posted
- 2y
Does wnyone relate?
Different OCD themes come and go. But there is something happening that is causing me to be worried. Especially since last year, I have been noticing that my mental energy is draining more than it can generate, it's a vague description, but I will try and put it into words. During but also in between the OCD cycles and themes there is this feeling or knowing inside of me that my mental ability to stay positive is declining, I have had depression in the past and possibly am depressed now, but It's something else than just plain depression. It is this build-up of mental suffering, and where I was able to for as long as it would last get in a positive attitude, I now just don't feel like doing that anymore. I am very tired, and look back with envy to myself a couple of years ago when I was having an extremely difficult time as well, but always felt there was this chance of hope. My hope is just gone, I can't feel it anymore, or at least way less than before. And the trend I'm going through is that with every OCD cycle, this hope I try and empower myself with to keep going feels smaller and smaller every time OCD comes and goes, 2 days ago I sat at my home desk, and suddenly got this sensation of sadness, but not normal sadness, sadness that felt very empty, almost like when you get extremely bored and start feeling empty and like that feeling of homesickness, not sure if anyone can relate to that feeling? I became very aware of that sensation growing and growing inside of me while I was just watching YouTube stuff on my laptop, and I could really feel myself sliding down into that hole of darkness. I have never experienced this so intense and so clearly. it scared me, and I started to get anxious if this feeling would stick with me while going to bed and trying to fall asleep, it did for a short while, but eventually, I fell asleep anyway. It's just this constant awareness of this feeling inside of me that I have throughout the day, the feeling of hopelessness, but even worse is the feeling that I have is extremely hard to explain, it does not really match all boxes I read about depression, hopelessness, etc. This is what scares me the most the feeling of being the only person feeling this, although I have my wife and 2 young sons supporting me, I have friends and other family who support me, it feels so lonely. during these times I get the feeling of not wanting to be here anymore, but when I think of my wife and kids, I then feel extremely sad and guilty. For the record, I am currently seeing a specialist for my OCD, and yes I am on medication. But in my mind, I have gone too far already, it feels as if my issues have outgrown the capabilities of all the therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, etc. if seen or still am seeing, but also the meds I take or meds there still are to try. it feels my mind has already made itself immune to it. Largely, I feel like it's also an issue due to my attitude. If I could just attain a more positive attitude towards things, but every time I try and become positive, I don't feel it, i don't see it, and it just almost seems to get immediately nullified. I wish to believe it's me doing it, but a lot of the time or most of the time it feels there is something omniscient and omnipresent that is doing this to me, as if it always already was meant to go this way and will keep going this way, and nothing I do will change it. Reading all this could it be that OCD plays a big part in it? maybe the constant checking if this sensation is still present? But even asking that question feels useless, because in case OCD could play a role, me being convinced this is something that is outside of my control and is something being forced upon me will always prevent me from believing it might be JUST OCD and thus able to come back from it.