- Date posted
- 2y
This goes beyond it all
Hi all. I am looking for some guidance and or advise. Good to know is that I have suffered from severe OCD and depression for years now. Depression goes away and comes throughout time. OCD is almost always present. I am going to try and make sense out of this, but it will be hard because I have tried so many times but every time when I read my explanation it feels it did not go deep enough, as if not the true depth of it has been explained but here we go; For quite a while but increasingly in intensity I have been experiencing this sort of feeling. A feeling that feels like anything you think of, act on or whatever is being nullified withing a split second. Sometimes I try and visualize what it is, it feels like some kind of cloud, curtain, sheet or any kind of ‘thing’ that is able to cover ‘something’. So in my mind I for example think; Ok, from now on ill be positive, even if I have to remind myself a 100 times per minute. Immediately after and sometimes even during such kind of thought this thing, cover, cloud, curtain or whatever comes in, wraps up the thought I had and drags it away from me, like literally away out of my mind and body towards behind me. It never shoots away in front of me, but I visualize it disappearing behind me further and further away. The issue with this is that I've become extremely hyperaware of this process, I’m focused on it throughout the day. And whenever I try and apply the tools I have learned for OCD, like trying to make the thoughts or feelings (which in this case I find hard to quantify if it’s a thought or a feeling, or more than that?) be there, and not fight them. To do what I prescribed as a tool for OCD (not giving the thing that is happening inside of me) any attention, one has to initiate, a moment where you ‘start’ using the technique or tool I learned. But when that moment comes, and I try and initiate and start whatever it is I have learned to deal with this, the same thing happens, that initiation, starting, beginning (call it what you want) gets wrapped up and pulled away from me. This means I cannot even start to get over this ‘thing’, because starting some action of coping etc. in itself already gets hijacked by this ‘thing’ before I'm even able to start. And then the action I was going to take or the method or tool I was going to use immediately loses all its effectiveness, because it instantly got hijacked by the thing it is trying to confront. It's especially hard because I am a very visual being. Things I think about I also visualize, and things I speak about as well. So I cannot apply the tools or methods without visualizing them, which in return makes it impossible to not visualize this things hijacking my thoughts, feelings and more than that. So it does not matter how deep I go, a lot of the times when this thing wraps up whatever I was going to do, I'm like; ok let's try and go a level deeper and try and oppose whatever it is that this thing is trying to do, and in return that effort also gets wrapped up by this thing, so what happens then? I go deeper again and think to myself (for example); Let this thing do what it wants, don’t fight it, let it be and watch it as it drifts away (mindfulness like). So what happens then? Those efforts in return also get wrapped up in this black sheet and pulled away. All these efforts I make, even efforts that really seem like they are no efforts like; let it all happen and go with the flow, don’t fight it (which in the end still is an effort) once this black sheet comes in, this ‘thing’ the effort that is going to get wrapped up and dragged away suddenly changes its form and looks like a movie set in my mind, and this ‘thing’ then comes in with its big black sheet, curtain or whatever it shows itself as at that moment just wraps up this movie set and drags it away. A lot of people in the past told me, yeah but this what you are doing is all just thoughts and too much thinking, don’t think so much about it. My answer then is; Ok I get what your are saying here, let's try it. And what happens after that ‘trying’, is that also that effort gets wrapped up in my head as well and dragged away from me, gone. There also is this connection in my brain, or in my being or something, that has linked the feeling of feeling down, or even just flat to this ‘thing’. So when I’m not actively thinking about this ‘thing’ I actually still am thinking about this thing, there is no escape and its driving me nuts. It’s been quite the extensive explanation, and I’m not done in the slightest, but I just don’t know how to explain it anymore to you guys. This explanation I gave does not even scratch the surface of what it really is that I’m experiencing. I've tried many times explaining this to therapists, psychiatrists and other specialized people. And all I'm getting in return is; It's your depression, or, it's just your thoughts. But I need them to actually listen to me, I know what depression is, I know what thoughts are, this is not just that. And when that's the answer from specialists, all I can do is feel even worse and more lonely in this situation I'm in.