I'm about to give up on this exposure!

i’ve been dealing with SOCD for 5 years and truly believe it has altered my life completely😀. i haven’t been properly diagnosed but the child therapist I had when i was in hs kind of hinted to me i had something more than just plain anxiety. i’ve also dealt with intrusive thoughts all throughout my childhood and as my family life got worse my anxiety got worse annnd i started getting more and more thoughts that wouldn’t leave me. I remember spending months not swallowing right and practically starving myself bc i kept thinking i was going to choke. i also rmbr spending months worrying ab death and dying EVERYDAY. it woke up with horrible anxiety and it was all i could think about. i can still rmbr sitting in my grandpas chair and just staring off and thinking “im going to die one day” “idk what’s going to happen” “is god real” “i don’t want to die” “what if there is no heaven” and so on. when the socd thoughts started i was 15. i searched around online for help and found reddit and i was like “omg yes finally people who understand and are going through EXACTLY what im going through.” finding that community and this app has helped me so much. anyway i had such a horrible time during my teenage years bc of all the intrusive thoughts about my sexuality, my relationship (glad that’s over), and some other things here and there. i was so so depressed and i felt no one around me understood how fucking awful i felt. i woke up everyday anxious, depressed, numb, and exhausted. when i started college i told my old therapist that even tho im extremely afraid of death i just didnt like living. i would cry in my car before class and just sob ab how awful i felt. although my mental health has gotten SO much better as time went on and the thoughts haven’t been as frequent im definitely not doing well. i am literally stuck. i’m still in college but i don’t know what to do with myself. those years of anxiety and depression have left me STUCK. im so much happier? and i can manage the thoughts way better but i don’t want to do anything. i only talk to 2 friends (literally lost so many great friendships), i RARELY drive bc im afraid ill die in a car crash (only to school and back), i don’t go out, i don’t ask for help at school, i avoid conversations, i avoid ppl in general, i don’t put in that much effort into school, i don’t have hobbies, i don’t want to do anything, i literally have the worst social anxiety now, im afraid of everything. i feel like the only reason im “ok” now is bc i’ve avoided literally everything. i’ve basically spent three years of my life doing nothing. i’m not happy with where i am in my life but im so scared to do anything. i miss who i was before all of this. i’ve been dealing with anxiety all my life and ik my childhood and early teen years made me like this. i didn’t know how to deal with the things i went through/saw as a little kid and i guess everything exploded in my teen years. but i want to be better i want to start LIVING. i’m definitely happier than before but im not living. what frustrates me is i refuse to do anything about it. i know a big reason why i don’t experience as many intrusive thoughts is bc i avoid everything 😭. ik what i have to do to get better and turn my life around BUT I WONT DO ANYTHING. idk how to explain this but its not laziness i feel like my body is exhausted. i think im just so traumatized from feeling so fucking horrible for so many years i just shut down ykwim?? i don’t have any libido, i don’t find ppl attractive, i can’t get myself to do the things im interested in (so many books r piled on my floor), i rot all day, i push off my responsibilities till the last minute, i can’t even get myself to go on a small walk. i don’t know where i was going w this but if someone who’s going through the same thing sees this ur not alone. i just needed to get this out. hopefully one day things will get better.

Hey! Just wondering if anyone else has dealt with something similar. A bit of background: I have POTS and had a horrible flare up in March which led to us calling ambulances; I started on meds which didn’t agree with me; the POTS flare passed and left me with horrific anxiety on a level I’ve never experience before. I was still able to go out and do every day things like grocery shopping and see my nan but nothing more. Fast forward a few weeks my uncle dies and the grief and stress triggered a massive migraine, and bc I’ve never had a migraine before it scared me and I thought I was having a stroke or something. The migraine passed but my brain latched onto the fear of it and how it felt to have one. Long story short since the beginning of the year it’s been one thing after another. A few days ago I had the worst panic attack ever downstairs in my house (felt like I couldn’t feel my arm or face) and it sent me into a spiral. I am now terrified to leave the house in case I have a panic attack outdoors, it just feels so unsafe. I went to the shop with my dad yesterday and felt so bad, but i managed to do it and I was proud. Tried again to go to a different shop closer to home because I was already feeling bad, and it was horrific. I started having a panic attack, felt faint, my arm and face went tingly, so we went back home. I’m trying to challenge myself every day but I am really really struggling and not sure what to do at this point. I tried fluoxetine but had horrible side effects (which included a horrific dip in my mood) so I had to stop them. I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow to tell her everything and explain how difficult it is, but I’m just SO scared all the time. It’s like my body is constantly scanning for danger. It’s got to a point where it’s been going on for so long I’m just desperate to try anything to help me feel just a little bit better. I’m not asking for much, I just want to be able to go to the shop without feeling like I’m going to die. My question is has anyone else dealt with anything like this? The panic attacks are terrifying, and even though I know they’re “not dangerous” it does not help because they’re still so so scary and even worse when I’m out of my bedroom because if I’m by myself I can kinda lie down, do some breathing and talk myself round. I just don’t know how to get over this and I’m so so sad because I’m 31 and scared of being stuck like this forever 😭

So I’m severely emetophobic but these past few weeks have gotten SO bad. I had a bad reaction to an SSRI that made me feel like I was gonna throwup, I stopped taking them over two weeks ago but ever since then the fear has got even worse. I haven’t left the house properly in weeks because I’ve convinced myself I’ll be sick. I feel nauseous even indoors a lot of the time (there are hours when I don’t, like for example this afternoon I was fine). But I challenged myself to go for a short walk this evening and omg it was so hard I really thought I might throwup. The thing is I KNOW it’s anxiety and not real nausea because it feels completely different to when I was actually nauseous from the medication. This feeling is more like a tight throat/sensation of a lump in my throat that makes me feel like I’m gonna gag. I also have RCPD (I can’t burp basically lol) so I just feel like I have trapped air in my throat that’s gonna make me puke. The phobia has gotten really really bad. I have started therapy recently but I’ve been scared of throwing up since I was a kid and I’m now 31 lol wtf. I remember last Christmas my mum said someone at her work had been sick and I was so scared my mum had caught it and would pass it on to me that I refused to leave my bedroom without wearing gloves and a mask and wiping everything with anti-germ wipes. But right now it’s so so bad because I have literally gotten to the point where I’ve convinced myself I feel nauseous pretty much 24/7 and I am taking anti-nausea meds almost every day. Has anyone else dealt with/has tips for this??? I’m literally desperate 😭