I’m so scared

Okay so back in December I made the disgusting drunk decision to make the biggest mistake of my entire life, one that had forever changed me. I was the drunkest I’ve ever been and slept with someone who had a gf, at the time drunk me did know but it wasn’t in my conscious brain at all that it was something I should worry about. Until I woke up the next morning and felt stuck to my stomach and the lil amount I even remembered. This guy was driving my home, he was driving so he was definitely more sober than I was. Anyway, my point is I’ve met this absolute lovely guy the same night and we hit it off so well to the point today we are seeing each other and even exclusive. He knew the guy and even got dropped off by him as well! And to this day I’m not 100% certain on what this guy knows of the story, we’ve talked about it briefly and he says the guy was disgusting and he isn’t friends with him anymore. Then we talked about mistakes and how no matter what you’ve done in your past if you’ve learnt and grown from it then nobody can ask more of you, the thing is I don’t know if I should tell him what I’ve done and if I do what do I do if he leaves me. It’s something I’m having to live with and I do my want to, I don’t wanna think about my last anymore. My friend says it’s probably best for there or be no secrets between you both and for you to be 100% completely honest with one another which I do wanna do, but I don’t know when I should do it. I am absolutely head over heels, and this is the first time I’m admitting it, in love with this guy. I can’t loose him he’s my rock and I’m his. I’m so anxious I’m at work rn feeling like I’m gonna have a breakdown over it. I want him fully I don’t want anyone else, I’m not a cheater I would never ever do that, but during the time I did I was in the biggest deepest hole of depression to the point life seems pointless. I lost my Nan, my dog and the guy I thought I loved in the span of a couple months and I just didn’t see the point of caring anymore. But he changed everything, the moment I met him my entire life changed, he changed me fully and I couldn’t be happier but fuck this anxiety is killing me

makeupandchi...

Date posted: 2y

Awe I’m so sorry your struggling. I tell my husband everything but not details or specifics of past sexual encounters. I feel it is disrespectful to him. I tell him I’ve made mistakes and he has forgiven me. I never felt the need to confess or explain sometimes that can be a compulsion to rid yourself of the anxiety that he may not like you if he knew (relationship ocd) just hang in there take it slow, and if you feel you must urgently tell him it is most definitely a compulsion and you should bring it up in therapy instead. Just my two cents. I hope you find peace and ocd calms down.

stuckonathought

Date posted: 2y

@makeupandchinchillas Thank you so much, your kind words really do help me! I wish I could think like this because I agree I don’t wanna talk about my past sexual partners BUT it’s like this thing inside me goes “you have to otherwise you’re lying!” Even if I didn’t fully know him then, I met him the same night and it feels like I’m lying to him! Even though he knows I kissed the boy he was there I have a feeling he knows and doesn’t see me for my past mistakes it’s like I have to constantly own up to him and tell him every single thing I’ve ever done wrong. I’ve had this since I was a kid, if I ever did anything I thought was wrong or disgusting I’d have to tell someone or a person to get their take on the situation. He said to take it slow though that he’ll be there to listen and support which feels amazing yet I’m still very nervous and worried about the outcome

Sir.Douglass

Date posted: 2y

If you feel it will help get something off your chest most definitely feel free to tell him. If someone truly loves you and you know you love them and what they say is true, then most definitely they should have the basic courtesy to respect you for being honest and recognize that you feel regret for it and important that you do feel regret, and that you do feel bad But the reality is you were not sober and you were not there fully in the moment and you were not aware of your situation, nor what was going on so the reality is, it would be quite ignorant of him o judge you, when you yourself we’re not fully conscious when it happened.

Sir.Douglass

Date posted: 2y

@Sir.Douglass Understand that when you are not sober, you do not know what you are doing half the time, so it really is ignorant to judge someone based on when they’re not sober, especially when it is in past tense, and not in the present

stuckonathought

Date posted: 2y

@Sir.Douglass I’ve just cried to myself desperate to get these thoughts out of my head. I feel like I have to tell him even though I didn’t really know him then. He’s even said to me I don’t care for your past, I’m here for your present and future. But in my head I keep seeing him so upset and hating me because of what I did even though it’s not me irs not my morals at all, I lost myself and he’s pulled me back to finding myself. I feel horrible inside and out and I’ve hated myself for months it’s getting harder to live with these thoughts. Thank you though you’ve definitely made me feel slightly better about all this. I talked to him briefly yesterday about these thoughts and he told me not to rush and to not worry about him hating me or leaving because he won’t be doing either, he says it would be incredibly hard for any of that to happen. Just I think I’m hating myself so massively and I’m shuffling to forgive myself that it’s then effecting me. I know I need therapy but I can’t afford it and I’m struggling to know what to do

Sir.Douglass

Date posted: 2y

@godihatemondays Just genuinely take one step at a time okay. I know it’s so scary and it’s overwhelming, but really the reality of it is, is that you had no clue and that even if you feel immense guilt and self hatred. You have to remind yourself you were not present and that you were unaware in that moment. Whatever it may be take it one step at a time and be realistic with yourself. Even if that’s easier said then done. I know it’s hard as thoughts like that can eat at you every second but keep pushing and with time the more you do your own things the less the thoughts will go at you. But like I said. Take it one step at a time!

stuckonathought

Date posted: 2y

@Sir.Douglass I will try my absolute best to take it one step at a time! I think as well the reason it’s eating me up is because even thou yes I was incredibly drunk and I was very unclear about my actions I did know he had a gf and it makes me feel like the worst person in the planet! I can’t change the past, I can only learn from my mistakes right? I just wanna be able to forgive myself and move past it without having these thoughts of being dammed in hell and dying alone because I’m not allowed love anymore. Kills me inside that I’d ever even consider doing something so disgusting. They are eating me up I’m finding it hard to do my days. Just wanna cry every second of the day. But I’m trying so hard to just forget

Sir.Douglass

Date posted: 2y

@godihatemondays Remember sometimes it’s okay to not always have to forgive yourself. Sometimes forgiveness isn’t always the solution nor the answer. Sometimes its just becoming a better person and that’s exactly what you’re doing by owning up to it and as well taking authority. That it in itself in the long run will have a better affect more then you can realize. Unfortunately it seems to be very overblown as a result of ocd I assume and it’s become too much. BUT trust me you’ll be able to tame it! Just work hard! Almost Everyone deserves love in the end of the day, you’ve found it and I think it’s best to cherish it and accept the past for what it is. Truthfully sometimes simply accepting it can do more for you then you realize. Don’t even try to fight it. Instead look back and put a party hat on it (I know weird but it’s actually a great way to throw off the enough) put a part hat on it and accept that it happened so your mind then gets confused and starts to look past it. Not saying condone it. I’m saying accept it. Let it have its moment to sit there and then walk away from it and continue with your life. Because after all you cannot change what has been done like you said. Only be better is the way to go through it.

stuckonathought

Date posted: 2y

@Sir.Douglass I definitely think after all this I’ve come out of it a better person, I’ve learnt and even though I haven’t fully forgiven myself (which I don’t think will ever happen) all I can do is grow from here right? I think I worry as well that moving on is something I’m not allowed to do. Oh you’re beyond right my head has taken this one thing and made it my entire life because of ocd, but your comments and help have really helped me tame it even if a tiny bit it’s honestly the biggest thing so thank you! Just god it’s been 2 days and all I’ve been thinking about

makeupandchi...

Date posted: 2y

Hi 👋 I’m so happy what I said was encouraging to you. Just wanted to pop in and remind you don’t be hard on yourself for any urges from ocd, they are not your fault. And what I really wanted to say is I know you hate mondays, but it’s Monday and I hope you have a great one. :)

stuckonathought

Date posted: 2y

@makeupandchinchillas Thank you so much, I’m trying very hard not to let any urdges take over, even though I’m finding it very difficult, me and my mum have discussed the fact I may need therapy or some form of doctor help after these couple of days. Also your so sweet thank you I actually had a very good Monday! Hope you did as well, you’ve very sweet and you’re words have helped me. I was feeling like the villain of my own life, feeling like the world hated me and that I didn’t deserve happiness, but you helped me see that I’m human and I shouldn’t be putting all this pressure to be perfect. I made a mistake I’m not proud of, even though I’ve still not gotten over the fact I want to tell my bf everything, you’ve helped me massively see ocd is taking a massive part in this pain. So thank you! x

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 24w

I messed up :(

Tmi warning I was being intimate with my bf and I kept getting the name of someone else pop up, but I didn’t feel anxious. Afterwards, as much as I tried to delay confessing, I couldn’t help it. I confessed. My bf was fine he said I probably didn’t feel anxious because I’ve gotten used to the anxiety and it’s okay, it doesn’t define me any more than it would if I was anxious. A few minutes later, he got upset and said that the confession kinda ruined a blissful moment. I’m so upset that my head feels so turbulent I didn’t even notice it was a blissful moment for him and could’ve been for me. I feel so awful. I haven’t slept in a day, I can’t stop crying. My bf is afraid that because this specific name keeps popping up, it might mean something and he feels less than sometimes because of it. I know I shouldn’t have confessed but I felt so safe that it was like a dam broke loose. I feel so awful. What’s worse is that I’m still scared it means something, I’m scared that my boyfriend’s fear is right. He’s very understanding of OCD and how it manifests in me and everything, I think I just kinda messed up a sacred moment and I feel so much guilt and confusion and just horrendous. I’m not even fully anxious. I don’t know what to do. I apologized a lot but I feel like I don’t deserve him and so selfish

crybaby

Date posted: 16w

Advice please!!

I will be straight forward and honest. I have cheated in the past. My last relationship was long term, and I had begged and begged for him to change and in the end he never did. I don’t know why I cheated. And I’m not going to make excuses for myself for why I did. I messed up. The cheating was online, it was never in person. But now, I’m in a new relationship. And he’s everything I have ever wanted in a boyfriend, husband, and best friend. I want this man to be with me the rest of our lives, and I want to see him help raise our future children. But I can’t help but feel such immense guilt, because although I have never cheated on him, his ex had cheated on him. And I truly don’t understand how or why she would…but that’s not my place to comment on. Such a big part of me wants to tell him, and tell him that that’s not me anymore, and I know that we will communicate healthily and openly, unlike my last relationship, which he never wanted to. Not only this, my brain just won’t. stop. thinking…about how I had cheated. I regret doing what I had done, I don’t WANT to cheat anymore, or ever again. Especially with the love of my life I have now. But I’m scared of what do I do if I have a compulsion, or anything revolving around cheating. I want to tell him about it, but I know I shouldn’t, and can’t really tell him as it’s complicated, and I know I would only make things worse. I feel like such a terrible person, and girlfriend, for what I have done and what I’m worried about ‘if I do’, even though I don’t want to. I want to be better, I want to grow. Any advice please would be amazing.

h4aling07

Date posted: 11w

i need help :( guilt and confessing compulsion

okay so, i had this friend i met in the 8th grade when i was 13 when we became friends and my nickname for her was “red” and i had a crush on this friend before we became friends and once we became friends the crush faded away and i just grew a close platonic friendship with her and no longer has any crush or attraction or romantic interest in her. then i got a girlfriend named lisa in the 8th grade also and we were all friends and hung out but that summer going into highschool lisa broke up with me, we dated only for 2 months so you know it wasnt a big deal. and my friend “red” she and my other friend lana we are a trio and they helped me move on from that. then i started 9th grade (my freshman year of highschool) and i went into this year thinking i was gonna stay best friends with this trio but we ended up splitting paths but me and my friend “red” always had a more special bond in the trio we were like the duo because we trauma bonded and dealt with mental health problems. and in the end of my first semester i fell in love with this girl named riley (who became my 3 year serious relationship) and i love this girl so much i met her when i was 15 and she was 14, me and riley (who is my current partner) were very toxic during freshman sophomore and junior year. she was very insecure over my ex from the 8th grade who i didnt care about because she was my first girlfriend. and she was also very insecure over my friend “red” because she was my best friend during the time i was with my ex and she reminds her of my ex for some reason. i still wanted to be friends with “red” at the time and we would get into numerous fights about that. she would control me and who i was friends with and said i couldnt be friends with her and i felt so awful and defeated bc i had a close bond with this friend. she then gave me an ultimatum of either her or my former best friend and i chose my partner obviously but she was so in her head i think that she still broke up with me for like 3 days and that day she broke up with me i had to go home with her since she was my ride home and i was broken and she was obviously angry and i was crying while we were walking out of school and then she stormed off without me all upset and my other guy friend and his girlfriend saw me and went up to me to comfort me and asked what was wrong and i told them she broke up with me and then my partner yells my name very upset from across the street comes back and grabs my arm aggressively and drags me past everyone very aggressively and angry while telling me to stop crying because her mom is going to be upset and ask questions and i felt so bad. we got into the car and i had to try my best not to cry and my partner who was visibly upset a few seconds ago just completely smiled at her mom and asked how her day was with such a happy tone of voice and i was completely in shock. hours later since we were broken up i texted my former friend “red” (the one who my partner broke up with me over) and told her i needed emotional support that reyna had dumped me and i needed a friend. and she came over and talked to me. that was all nothing romantic. and then 2 days later my partner says we are back together and i was happy but felt guilty because i hung out with my friend who she dumped me over. Now years later im still with this partner after many splits but we are finally healthy and healing and shes been super supportive and there for me and loving during my recent journey discovering my ocd. i have been confessing over and over many past mistakes or things i thought were mistakes. i last confessed something on monday and ive been feeling better and relieved after confessing up until yesterday when i remembered a past mistake (which was what i just shared) and now i cant stop ruminating on it and feeling guilty and feel the need to confess this to my partner but i learned that confessing is my ocd compulsion and if i give into it ill be feeding my ocd and not breaking the cycle. but im also feeling conflicted on if i should genuinely let her know and confess because i feel what i did that time was wrong but i dont want to give into my ocd but also what if i basically cheated on my partner by doing that and if i tell her that i did what i did even tho i didnt cheat but i told her i never liked this person even tho i had a crush on the former friend and tried to get my partner to let me keep this friendship because its not like i like her romantically which is true i dont but i used to. so i feel like i betrayed her even especially by hanging out with her so now i dont know if i should tell her or if its my ocd and i dont have to share absolutely everything especially if its in the past. i dont want to lose my partner and im scared if i keep confessing it will ruin our relationship and drive her away but it will also make me lose myself and my own privacy and also feed my ocd and compulsions but im scared if i dont confess ill never stop thinking about it and i will feel like im lying to my partner and like i cheated and i wont be able to enjoy the good moments and the present because im stuck on my past “mistakes” and now im scared ill have the end my relationship to feel better but that will hurt me more but im scared if i stay im just going to try to avoid my partner in fear ill confess or feel the urge to confess every time we speak. i dont know what to do im completely lost this is the hardest thing ive ever dealt with and i have a lot ive dealt with in my life already. im barely 17 i havent had a year of a break

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