HELP

I don’t even feel reassurance anymore when I do compulsions. I relapsed a theme after 2 years of not having it. It’s been 4 days, I just feel fully convinced that I’m transgender. I’m so scared and I had a panic attack after realising how similar my experience is to the someone else who is trans, and how denial could also be scary. I don’t even know if this is OCD anymore . It feels real, and like denial. Can someone please tell me what to do. I had a huge panic attack where my hands were shaking and I felt cold and I was breathing deeply and heavily and repeating no no no. And I genuinely thought I was transgender. I feel like there is no way anymore that I’m not transgender. My brain is split in 50/50 and I don’t know which side it true. The thought of being trans is giving me so much anxiety and I keep checking the trans subreddits and seeing if I relate and when I do I panic. I keep thinking what if I do ERP and I’m just stopping myself from genuine self exploration if I am actually trans. What if I am trans and they don’t let me transition (this thought scares me because why would I be thinking about wanting to transition???) . I can’t even remember what I was like prior to this starting. My TOCD started at such and early age and I didn’t even get to figure out who I was. But I felt like myself in the recent months I think. I don’t know what the fuck is going on. Help. I’m so fucking scared. I don’t wanna be transgender. I want to naturally be feminine. It’s like some of my old wants and desires disappeared. Help.

Transgender OCD

VGH

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Hey, I'm sorry you're struggling, but you are in the right place. Those of us with OCD struggle with doubt and uncertainty (and the feelings that accompany the doubt and uncertainty). I know it is going to sound counter intuitive, but the "what if" questions, the researching, checking the trans subreddits, the checking to see how you feel all of these compulsions are what is giving you so much distress. I was listening to Mark Freeman today, and he was discussing how the more you do compulsions, the more you need to do. I know it will sound harsh, but you must learn to accept what you're afraid of may be true. It's the only way. It's going to feel bad, you're going to feel like you're making a big mistake. However, the struggle you are going through now (doing compulsions) also feels bad. I'm not surprised that it's been 4 days, if you have been trying to "figure it all out" or solve the "problem". Stopping compulsions is key. I understand, we are all looking for that one piece of evidence that will relieve our doubts. The funny thing is that even if we got it, we would find something else where we would need certainty. My therapist once said to me, "You don't have a relationship problem, health problem, transgender problem, contamination problem, you have OCD and therefore you have an uncertainty problem. We have to accept our fears, and decide to live with the uncertainty. I'm here to give you hope to give it a try - let it go, stop trying to figure it out. Live your life, follow your values, it will get better. This may help too https://youtu.be/YZFYP1_asVE All the best!

shinsset

Date posted: 21w

tocd + proof + advice on how to tell people?

I cant do anything anymore without my brain dregdging up proof from my past that I was actually trans and didn't know it, and it all seems so plausible. like I said in my last post its unearthing memories that I didn't even know I have. ik this is just ocd tricking me but I feel like I need to review every moment thoroughly bc I have questioned my gender in the past but always concluded that'd I'd happier as a girl (which is true). everything feels so real and it feels like I am just super in denial. also, how do I tell people about this? I made the mistake of confessing to a teacher on a note and only a couple friends of mine understand the thoughts I get, but I don't tell them everything. however its very hard for me to do basic responsibilities like school work and I always end up overwhelmed, so I'm thinking I may need accomdations. I need to get in touch with my counselor but i'm unsure how to explain all of this to her, being that I don't have a diagnosis....also I feel like I can't talk about this with the majority of my friends because gender ocd is rare to have (increasing my doubts) and, at least school-wise, i'm in very accepting environment for lgbtq and I'm afraid they're just gonna tell me to accept myself. I'm scared of doing erp for this because what if I like it (also cant afford therapy). ive also felt very apprehensive around some of my trans friends and classmates because my brain is going crazy asking "what if you're like them?" and I feel so bad and transphobic for these thoughts. i'm genuinely so tired. one of my closest friends died last year, but my father pointed out that my recent mood has been even worse than it was during that time. i tend to bottle up my emotions a lot, so everyone's just telling me to "let it go" and tell people, but if I do that I feel like i'll end up confessing. i'm so tired and lost.

sofiaraaah7

Date posted: 17w

It’s real now

I’m sobbing right now. I’m convinced that I’ve been in denial all along and that it’s all real. It has to be now. I don’t wanna be a boy but I feel like there’s no way I’m not one if I’m doing these things. There’s no way I’m a cis girl if I’m doing these things. I’m so fucking done with life I feel absolutely trapped. I don’t wanna be a man but fuuuuuuuuck I think it’s real now I’m so fcking done with living. I really feel like I’ve been using OCD as an excuse/a cover up and I’m scared it’s all a facade. There’s no way it’s not real now I’m literally so fcking scared I want it all to stop. If anyone has advice please send some my way. I need it badly

Dreamydream

Date posted: 12w

TOCD

2 nights ago I saw something on my phone and it has now spiraled into me scared of being trans or being gay because i don’t want to be… now i have a huge fear of what if i am gay and am attracted to woman or what if im not comfortable in my body and want to turn into a man. It’s freaking me out - my ocd always makes me question my character! Has anyone experienced this 😩

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