Tough day

@InvaderX No, my symptoms started at the same time as I started questioning. Before that I was happy with presenting feminine but also very jealous of things that boys had, like natural strength, height, and camaraderie with other guys. I felt like being female was the “worse” gender and hated that I was born that way, but I never really questioned whether it was true.

@InvaderX I think about that a lot, like maybe I just have internalized misogyny, and if I just made myself be female again for long enough, the OCD would go away. I feel bad imagining a future where I’m a woman, though, it scares me and makes me feel sick. And I want other non-social aspects of masculinity, like body hair, facial hair, and (tmi) a penis. So I don’t know, it’s really confusing… I’ve been trying to figure it out in therapy for 3 years and still no closer to an answer :(

@Izzy Panobianco This sounds closer to a genuine desired transition in my opinion, but would explore it more with a therapist. Take it little by little. Start wearing clothes of a man, maybe look into fake beards, see how that makes you feel. For me, my TOCD is scary, and I don’t want to be a woman. But my brain tricks me into thinking that I could want it or like it. I get worried that I actually would enjoy certain aspects of it and that I could one day transition, even though I truly don’t want that and want to be a male.

@InvaderX Hmm, that’s interesting, I often feel like my brain is tricking me into feeling that I would like being a girl again. It relieves my anxiety, even though I feel guilty and don’t like it. If I actually take steps to dress more feminine, I feel horrible and know it’s not right.

@Anonymous I would talk to your psych about fluvoxamine and do ERP, it’s the only thing that will get you brain on track imo. You could also have it go away throughout life but you don’t know when or if that day will come. People with this OCD will suddenly not like who they used to like. Accept that you may never really know, and understand that you can still have such a beautiful and successful life outside of gender identity, the path you take ultimately will not doom you to misery. With OCD it does feel real, it can feel that you like it, that you want it. That’s the curse of this! For me, I know I’m a man, and I just have to affirm myself of that, even though it’s hard because sometimes it can feel so real.

@InvaderX If you go on transOCD on Reddit I 100% guarantee you will read stories of exactly what you’re going through, but I wouldn’t recommend using it as a source of constant comfort. Lately I’ve just been chilling and loving my life no matter the outcome.

@Anonymous No problem! Just know having fake feelings of “liking it” and “wanting it” are extremely common with this theme. I know a lot of people with this struggle to even look in the mirror during or get freaked out by their genetalia, have urges to cross dress etc. when that never happened before lol. A guy I know started Fluvoxamine (hasn’t done any ERP) but it worked for him, he basically never has the thoughts. However ERP is kind of better because it’s a natural way to get over it. He eventually wants to do ERP since it’s more natural.