- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 2y
ROCD and Breakups
To those who have ROCD and are having breakup urges, please know that it may not provide any relief. This past weekend, after compulsively venting to my dad and best friend about my almost one year long LDR, they quickly ascertained and advised that I dump her. In the moment of “clarity” I decided to do exactly that and made my decision, all the while confirming from my dad and friend that I was doing the right thing, which they really pushed. I called the next day and I broke it off, not feeling sure if I was doing the “right” thing. I shattered her heart and watched her beg for us to work through our issues (which we definitely have). I doubled down and forced myself to believe I’d done the right thing. I cried as much as she did and wished her a happy life. I then vented to my friends about the troubles of the relationship and intently listened to see if they also approved, which all friends will when you express unhappiness. The next day, my ROCD instead fixated on if I had done the right thing, if I made a mistake, etc etc. I saw pictures of her, I looked at my ring on my hand, imagined the heartbreak I had caused, and the anxiety came rushing back. Sadness, guilt, panic, and nostalgia came full force. Luckily, she’s been open this whole time to reconciling and discussing what went wrong and repairing our relationship. After taking some days, I’ve decided to talk to her tomorrow and I’m cautiously optimistic we’ll be able to repair. What I’d like to express is that no matter what you do, break up or stay together, you may still not find clarity. Even now, as I believe I’d like to get back together, I don’t have clarity. I check and recheck my feelings still and have been compulsively watching and listening to ROCD resources and checking subreddits about ROCD and relationships. Trust me, if you have this condition, there’s no easy way out of it. At this point, I’m acting on my values. I value working through issues, I value teamwork and patience, I value growth, I value accepting imperfections and overcoming my trials and tributes. I believe I love my girlfriend, and I’d like to believe love is a choice as well, and choosing to love may mean choosing to repair and choosing to be patient. By no means is my relationship easy, we’re both anxious people, we’re 3,000 miles apart, the visa laws prevent her from coming to me, and my job makes it difficult to go to her more than 2-3x per year. I have no idea how this will work out but learning how to handle uncertainty, choose love, work through issues, and reclaim my life again are things I want to do. To those struggling with relationship anxiety/ROCD, you’re not alone.