- Username
- Anonymous
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Dear Jazzz - You are not your past and you are not your life choices, you are not your abuse and you are not your mistakes nor your triumphs. You deserve love and happiness just like anybody else in this world. You have only one human being that you are responsible for - YOURSELF. Fight for you, you are worth it.
@fernando thank you for your comment ❤️?? I constantly google things like “my girlfriend was a sugar baby” or something like that and comments from men always say they wouldn’t date such a girl. Even though I just tried it for a second I still put myself on the same level as women who have done it for years. My ex still talks to me as a friend and everything is out in the open but just the fact that I was rejected in such a way makes me feel so worthless inside. The things he put me through matches up with the signs of narcissistic abuse. It even got to the point he was threatening to leave me in the apartment without food and water and I had to fake a suicide balcony scene for him to stay. My family used to be rich but we got dirt poor recently and they were unable to support me in my time of need. I was supposed to go back to Dubai to my boyfriend and keep looking for work after being laid off but now I’m back in New York and struggling so much and feeling worthless and heartbroken. No money to go back on meds or seek therapy. I’m so lost.
Hi, I'm sending love and support to you. I also want to say to you that there is a lot of good in humanity, and you will find it if you seek it out. Therapists and doctors have lower costs / free services for people in need. See if you can find one. Finding a job is hard. It might take a year or two. Keep trying. If you have a vehicle, consider doing Uber or Lyft. Even if you don't have a vehicle, I know some Uber drivers use rented vehicles but still make money. Finally, I hope you can find friends. Go looking, you will find many.
Best of luck jazz , I’m in Connecticut and can deff relate to how tough things can be in the northeast here with the expenses and winters an all And from what you went through you are a very strong person and I give you lots of credit There are always others out there and I’m here for ya too :) wishing the best Here for ya
I hate to see this you are something you are awesome cool and beautiful just be yourself and hope will come eventually...?????
Since your past does not determine who you are you are not bound to confess about anything. When you truly love someone you love them regardless of where they've been.
My ocd makes me fear the worst case scenario and I always think my past will come to haunt me or there are sexual videos of me somewhere. It’s a horrible feeling and it makes me unable to move on happily and have hope in my life.
Thank you everyone! ❤️ I wrote this post last night when I was drowning in a bottle of wine. It’s like all positive energy within me is gone and any little thing sets me off. I’m supposed to be successful after earning a college degree from a prestigious university and I have a great resume and job history so perhaps this setback working part time jobs is amplifying my feelings. Job or not though I’m trying to find ways to work on my self esteem. I often confess to my mom for my ocd reassurance. She tells me to never tell a man about my past. I have such a pure heart I feel like I shouldn’t hide certain things from a significant other but I also fear rejection. I think I held onto my abusive relationship for so long because of this fear.
I’ve fallen apart completely. After dealing with a somewhat narcissistic ex, I found out he’s married with kids and pities another ex that he wasted 3 years of her life until she also found out he was married. When I found out instead of owning up to everything he lashed out at me and said he lost feelings long ago after a drunk incident I had and only took me in for pity because I lost my job and was in a foreign country. During this time it was hot and cold he would lash out and put me down and then also call me the love of his life. Now he talks to me for some closure and he is feeling like crap about the situation. He still tries to blame me and take blame off of himself which is frustrating. He had mastuebation videos of me without my face in it I think. When I got hurt I was badmouthing him to his friends and he told me if I want a war he will start. Now he acts like a hero saying oh I could’ve sent the videos to your parents but I’m not that evil and wouldn’t do that, then he warned me to stay away from his friends. I’m shaking and can’t sleep and the guy who called me the love of his life does this. He told me he did have the biggest love and it got toxic from my drinking overtime but he never had bad intentions. Still my ocd doubts if he’s telling the truth about videos and my self esteem is at zero. I’m alone and looking for work but I’ve been in my room cooped up for days now. No money to do anything and no mental strength to even try and work out.
I had to stay home from work today because even though I was exhausted I got 1 hour of sleep. I work 7 days a week between 2 jobs and I finally said today I need a mental day. I am lonelier than ever and have lost friends over the past few years or just lost touch. My best friend ever stopped speaking with me after a group tour of the UK a few years ago and now someone that was our mutual friend is best friends with her and brushes me off. I tried to reach out to my ex friend and make peace but no answer. She has many friends now and a boyfriend. I realize I had some drunk nights that make people not want to hang out with me but I was up last night feeling complete rejection to the fullest and horrible about myself. At rock bottom I have no one. On top of that I was just in a toxic relationship while living abroad and he turned out to be a chronic cheater and married with 2 kids. I have one friend who speaks to me from LA from time to time but as for here in New York I barely got anyone left and bad memories. I can’t be afraid of not going to sleep every night because of thoughts or depression. My period is due any day which doesn’t help. I was just crying so much last night. I’ve never felt so alone. I just feel like a horrible human being that no one wants to be around and I try to make it right.
I’m worried about my suicidal thoughts that come up from time to time. Sometimes I’m fine and I talk myself through things but other times I’m obsessing about things I did in the past and have so much shame. The worst case scenarios and fears I come up with in my head feel so real and I just want to die after thinking about it coming true. One memory I’m stuck on is when my friend told me to try a sugar daddy site 3 years ago. I was used and taken advantage of. I got drunk and went into a bar basement and gave the man oral sex. I felt horrible and it was humiliating and degrading. He ghosted me after that and found me again on Instagram months later. He said “remember me? You really enjoyed it.” And then when I called him out he said “you drive a Benz. Why would I pay you. Bye hoe”. My OCD tells me maybe he secretly taped me and I’ve gone viral, or he will ruin my reputation even though it was 3 years ago. Or no man will want me because of my past. I was in a low place and got taken advantage of. I have a police report against him but because i consented the police said nothing can be done. He is 17 years older than me and after I googled him I found out he defrauded investors for hundred of thousands of dollars and is known for scamming people. I don’t even want to stay in New York anymore I just want to run away. I can’t handle the shame and the intrusive memories.
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