In having suicidal thoughts. And i wouldn’t ever do anything to myself but I sometimes wish a bus would hit me or something to end my pain. It’s a dark feeling. My ex that played with me and I thought was gonna be my husband is secretly married with two kids, and was chasing his ex after a drunk outburst I had from depression. He put me through mental abuse and I was jobless and financially dependent on him. Deep on the inside I felt like I didn’t deserve better than him because when I was working multiple jobs and in debt once a friend told me to try a sugar baby site. I couldn’t make it past two disgusting sexual encounters in a motel room and a bar basement. My dad has beat me up at the time and was emotionally abusive so I was in a rebellious period of my life where I wanted quick money to leave the house, except I was only conned and not paid and just used. I feel like if I ever open up to anyone ever again I will be rejected and judged from my past. I met my ex while trying to start a new life in Dubai and he sent me back to the US for a break after abusive fights erupted. I discovered his secrets and he broke up with me saying he lost feelings and was faking after my drunk outburst. I still can’t find a job in my field and am working as a cashier at a grocery store. I got offered an off the books job that pays more money and my mom is so controlling and a perfectionist she told me if I did that I wouldn’t have my car, so now I’m walking 40 min to my grocery store job in the suburbs. I’m so overwhelmed with depression and stress. My entire life fell apart. I have zero self esteem left.

Dear Jazzz - You are not your past and you are not your life choices, you are not your abuse and you are not your mistakes nor your triumphs. You deserve love and happiness just like anybody else in this world. You have only one human being that you are responsible for - YOURSELF. Fight for you, you are worth it.

@fernando thank you for your comment ❤️?? I constantly google things like “my girlfriend was a sugar baby” or something like that and comments from men always say they wouldn’t date such a girl. Even though I just tried it for a second I still put myself on the same level as women who have done it for years. My ex still talks to me as a friend and everything is out in the open but just the fact that I was rejected in such a way makes me feel so worthless inside. The things he put me through matches up with the signs of narcissistic abuse. It even got to the point he was threatening to leave me in the apartment without food and water and I had to fake a suicide balcony scene for him to stay. My family used to be rich but we got dirt poor recently and they were unable to support me in my time of need. I was supposed to go back to Dubai to my boyfriend and keep looking for work after being laid off but now I’m back in New York and struggling so much and feeling worthless and heartbroken. No money to go back on meds or seek therapy. I’m so lost.

Hi, I'm sending love and support to you. I also want to say to you that there is a lot of good in humanity, and you will find it if you seek it out. Therapists and doctors have lower costs / free services for people in need. See if you can find one. Finding a job is hard. It might take a year or two. Keep trying. If you have a vehicle, consider doing Uber or Lyft. Even if you don't have a vehicle, I know some Uber drivers use rented vehicles but still make money. Finally, I hope you can find friends. Go looking, you will find many.

Best of luck jazz , I’m in Connecticut and can deff relate to how tough things can be in the northeast here with the expenses and winters an all And from what you went through you are a very strong person and I give you lots of credit There are always others out there and I’m here for ya too :) wishing the best Here for ya

I hate to see this you are something you are awesome cool and beautiful just be yourself and hope will come eventually...?????

Since your past does not determine who you are you are not bound to confess about anything. When you truly love someone you love them regardless of where they've been.

My ocd makes me fear the worst case scenario and I always think my past will come to haunt me or there are sexual videos of me somewhere. It’s a horrible feeling and it makes me unable to move on happily and have hope in my life.

Thank you everyone! ❤️ I wrote this post last night when I was drowning in a bottle of wine. It’s like all positive energy within me is gone and any little thing sets me off. I’m supposed to be successful after earning a college degree from a prestigious university and I have a great resume and job history so perhaps this setback working part time jobs is amplifying my feelings. Job or not though I’m trying to find ways to work on my self esteem. I often confess to my mom for my ocd reassurance. She tells me to never tell a man about my past. I have such a pure heart I feel like I shouldn’t hide certain things from a significant other but I also fear rejection. I think I held onto my abusive relationship for so long because of this fear.