Different Approach for Disgust-Based OCD

Dear Erin P, Finally I have found you! 😊. It has taken me over an hour to find your post. Just as I was scrolling down and was ready to give up and go back to the poor Brazilian boy's post and ask you to help me find you, I finally saw your post. 😀🤗. Thank you for your kind words. For me you are a hero. I admire you so much. You have as well been through soooo much and you keep fighting for yourself and for us here. Your experiences, advice, links that you share are more helpful than what quite a lot of us get from therapists of one or the other kind. What I admire most is your calm, warm hearted, caring approach in your posts and answers to people. While scrolling to find this post of yours I saw your conversation with that boy whose thread we, you and me, sort of took over and forgot all about him. 🤭. Instead of just saying to him as others do, stop seeking reassurance, it only makes it worse, you took time and you explained it to him. You should be a therapist. With such clarity and calm and caring approach, and with a lot of patience you present things and give advice. You must be a great person to have in life. Ocd is not you. Your heart and empathy and compassion are who you are. I can relate so much to what you wrote about you and your husband. I wish your husband and mine could get together. They would have so much to talk about. It would probably enormously helpful to them. Maybe they should start a support group for husband's whose wifes suffer from ocd. Finding out that more people go through what your or my husband has been going through through all our ups and downs would probably be a marriage savior for a lot of people. I still get the chills when I think of my husband looking at me even just less than a year ago with his eyes and face radiating such hatred towards me. He was desperate. Didn't understand ocd. He was so scared he was not even willing to listen or to read about it. He had to do everything. Go to work, earn money for us to survive, come home, take a shower immediately every time he came in from the outside (my demand), cook lunch, dinner, go shopping, do the laundry, do the vacuuming and take care of our cats. But that was not all. He had to keep in mind not to touch certain things in our apartment, because if he did I wouldn't be able to touch or take anything he would hand to me unless he too took a shower. He was utterly exhausted every single day more and more and he felt desperate, confused,... Looking back, I am amazed he didn't give up on me and left. Well,... I don't know, he might have decided it was enough and left if I had had a job or some income to support myself. This way,I depended on him for everything and since we were desperate to make it through a month on his salary, there was no way out either for him nor for me. There was no way we could have afforded another rent to pay for one of us. I think that actually saved our marriage. As much worry and anxiety the lack of money was causing it also forced us to stay together and to fight together. Yeah, there were times when I wished so much I could leave him. There were times I am sure he wanted out although he never said it. But he did say once that he curses the day he met me. That I have ruined both of our lives. I cried a lot. Hid it from him. I was praying on daily basis for God to take me and stop my suffering. As I moved away from that cursed town I associate all my problems with and found "help" and went back on the meds, he actually apologized to me for saying that to me months before. He said he loved me but was so desperate watching me causing myself such pain and suffering and he hated what it all was doing to me and to us, that he was scared, terrified. Side effects aside, without the meds, I would not be alive today. Either my heart, body,.. would have just given up on me or I would have put a stop this hell of my life. To answer your question about the length of showers. The last time I spent so much time in the shower at one time was in October or November last year. That night I decided to take my first Zoloft pill. I couldn't do it any longer. I sat down in the shower, naked, utterly exhausted, my feet, my hands and my skin all over were so... I don't even have the words to describe it... so wrinkled it looked as if I was not alive but dead. I broke down. I cried so much. I took a photo to always remind me of that. I was lucky enough, that as I started the MEDS, the triggers from previous months left me alone. After a month on Zoloft the anxiety started to weaken and I got lazier. Now days my normal showers take about half an hour. If I do fall into the ritual or compulsory showering, than It cam be an hour or 1,5 hours. But thank God rarely and not 10 hours. I wish I was American, but I come from Europe. My country is small. The only residential treatment here available is in general mental hospitals ( those that 98%, of people here would describe as nut houses, hospitals for the crazy people), but not a single one specializes in ocd treatment, Erp,... I wad seriously considering to go to one of them for a month or so just a few weeks before I moved last year. Just to get away from where I lived. I gave up because I was told that that would ruin my possibilities of someone ever giving me a job. You have to pass some medical tests before someone employing you and the potential employer had an insite into your mental health history My phone call yesterday was... Erin, I had to repeat the whole thing again today with my clinical psychologist. I am utterly tired from both of them. Both took like 10 to 15 minutes just for them to talk. Stupid reasonings, explanations ( read excuses), justifying their actions and behaviors. What really pissed me off was that the one yesterday and the one today repeated the same things, most word by word, and both of them in a very hypocritical way implied that my side effects were just in my imagination. As if I was a hypochondriac and was making it all up. It went so far, that I directly asked them if my 93 kgs now instead of 65 just half a year ago and the measurements taken by me 2x a day and my previous doctor of my blood pressure lower almost always 90 sth and upper from 175 and all the way up to 198 taken in my ex doctors office we're not a proof enough to them that something very wrong has been happening to me since I started taking Zoloft. I know more than ;both of them together not only about ocd but also of human mental health I hate it when they are talking down to me as if I was someone with limited ability to understand. I hate my psychiatrist because she is a 2 faced hypocrite. All nice when talking to you, but at the same time condescending and superior in the way she is talking to you and the way she says things. I sm not sure if I will ever get any help from either of them. They just keep switching responsibilitirz from one to another and in the end to my personal doctor whom I have only seen once. For the time being my psychiatrist hasn't changed anything. She is thinking of adding an antipsychotic in very low dose to my Zoloft. What does that mean? She says that is what they usually do and that it helps with ocd. I don't know. What do you think about that. Erin, last night I couldn't fall asleep till 5 o'clock in the morning. I only slept 2 hours. I am DOO sleepy now that I am just gonna take a short nap. Just for an hour. Otherwise I can't function anymore. So much for now. Talk to you later. I will be looking forward to your reply. Just this, I have been longing to do a puzzle for so long. I think it would be great if I just bought one and do it. And not thinking sth bad would happen because I made myself happy.. I wish we were neighbours. We could help each other so much. Biggest hug ever. My love to you. Thank you for everything again. 🤗🫂💕

I had a nice nap. Feeling better. 😊❤️

Hello, Erin P, how are you today? It is sort of a strange day today for me. The weather keeps changing from summertime sunny and hot to stormy and back. It's sunny and all of a sudden wind comes out of nowhere, brings a few clouds and there you go. Sunny with rain. 😄. I think the weather is going through an ocd episode of its own today. 😄. Thank you for everything. For your kind words regarding DGP-rider 555 and other. To tell you the truth, after posting it I started doubting if I did it in the right way. I know what ocd is and I in no way wanted to make it look like something you can get out of your system at any time if and when you finally decide to get rid of it. I just wanted to simplify it to the point where he would see it does not need to be so hard for him because after everything has been said and done, after all the doubting and repeating the same questions and rejecting the answers again and again, he is the only one with the answers he is looking for. I wanted to relate his fears to the real world. To make him see, that his imaginary horror of what ifs is really not a problem at all. Shouldn't be. He can be gay, straight, both, black, white, brown, green, purple, Christian, Muslim, Atheist, vegan, vegetarian, all eater, he can be a teacher, scientist, shop assistant, doctor, a cleaning stuff, janitor, a lawyer, an artist,.... It is all great as long as you know and accept who you are and make sure you are happy. I feel kind of like a hypocrite. I know exactly what is the right thing for other people to do and if allowed advise or suggest them what they could do, but when it comes to myself I fail. Again and again. I know I should never believe ocd's lies. I should resist or prolong compulsions, I should never feel like worthless because I 've been told so by those who were supposed to give me love and have my back at any time. I know my fears are not based on facts. So who am I to tell DGP what to do?!? I felt like everone who decides to read my loooooong answer to DGP will think I an not very intelligent, because I wrote it in a simple every day life like way. I was even thinking of deleting it. Hadn't I gotten your response to my message to the boy or a young man, I would have deleted it. I wish he read the message and decided to step back for a while. But I am not so sure I had anything to do with his decision. He posted his message very shortly after I sent him the message. I doubt he had enough time to read it, to think about it and write what he wrote. Well, it doesn't really matter. What I worry about regarding him is, that he might have just stepped away from posting at NOCD, but won't do anything I or all of you out there tried to persuade him to do for his own good. I hope I am mistaken. I hope he is taking time to be with himself, getting to know himself. Coming to terms with who he finds out he is. I don't want him to suffer like we did. I see his ocd as manageable if he applies himself to doing what needs to be fine. It is a lot less complicated to fight his type than some other types, like yours or mine. I know it is hard for him. But I also know that he is fighting the wrong thing. He should not be fighting who he is, he should be fighting the self caused anxiety around it. Well, grant it, he may not have decided to feel the doubts and frustrations, but he won't be able to stop them unless he knows what he doesn't want. I just hope one day soon we will see a new post from him saying he made peace with himself. Then his work fighting obsessions can begin. Well, you might not be an official therapist, but you are my therapist. You help me more than my two "lost in space" therapists. Now I have been told that all the diagnostics have been completed at my clinical psychologist, so I can't see both anymore on monthly basis. The so called diagnostic tests were a joke. They were the same I did alone at home. I found some tests on the internet or might be even through an app (, psychology test app or sth). Those tests tell you.... not much really. I felt I was doing tests appropriate for kids age 6- 10. For e.g : there were no numbers from 1- 10 and letters from A-J scattered randomly on a piece of paper. My job was to draw a line from 1 to A, from A to 2, from 2 to B, from B to 3,....You get the picture. Another one I had to name as many vegetables and fruits as possible in a minute. I listed so many she was unable to write them all down. Come on... a 10 year child could do this without running out of examples in a minute. Or she told a short story. Like 4 or 5 sentences and I had to repeat it. Easy. Stupid test. I can't believe they use such tests for grown-ups. I was having fun because I love doing kids stuff. I enjoy playing with kids. Making projects. teaching them stuff by playing, creative activities. But for my mental health state to be tested by such "games", was kind of insulting, degrading. Because this part was behind me, and because I am taking Zoloft, my psychiatrist decided that I was stable, that I had no problems with the meds I have been taking and that my ocd is under control. Dear Erin, I have been cured!!!!! I am ocd free. I don't need any help anymore, just a friendly like chat 1x a month with the kind lady psychologist who played the games with me, those cute little tests and said I passed with flying colors and e-perscription for Zoloft. I would see her, the psychiatrist only 1x in 3 or 4 months. That was the plan. I have been cured and I didn't even know it! Wow! Amazing! This is how it is done here, this is how they cure ocd. They just tell you, well if you ask, otherwise they just decide you are ocd free. I have not even been informed about it. They told me because I asked what was going on with the dates,... The confusing part is, I still hear my ocd talking to me. Ok. I guess this is me not suffering from ocd anymore because I was cured from it, this is now skizofrenia, me being paranoid. OK. I guess I should now delete my account here and look for a forum about people who suffer from psychosis. Dear Erin, I guess this must be goodbye since I have been cured. 😱😵‍💫😤. Either they are retarded or I am. In the last 4 months I have sent my psychiatrist like 8- 10 mails informing her about terrible side effects of possibly Zoloft. I told her my ocd was at a standstill At 100mg for 5 months it did what it could do for me. To be effective for ocd 200 - 300mg is needed. With that dosage my side effects would kill me. I told her like 5 times face to face. She was looking at me each time but heard nothing I was saying. Not a word. Nuts. And in her opinion Zoloft is just perfect for me. No side effects. Erin, uggggrrrhhhhh. About my husband. He is like your husband. He wishes for ocd to disappear. He supports me going to the psychiatrist and taking meds , but he never reads anything on the internet about ocd, never asks me anything. He listens if I tell him something, but after a few minutes I get the feeling although he is sort of trying to understand, it's best for me to postpone it for another occasion. I can't imagine him talking to anyone about his experience with my ocd. I wish he did. I really wish men were open to help each other that way. But I don't see it. It's baby steps. I hope he puts all the pieces I have been giving him and will continue to do so together one day and sees the whole picture clearly. I will talk to you more tomorrow or Sunday. He is here only 2 days and I will spend it with him focusing on us and the cats. But you will be in my thoughts and good wishes. Talk to you really soon. I send you all the love you need and more hugs than you can bare. 🤗😘💕. Your husband has a wonderful woman for a wife. I hope he never forgets it. ❤️🫂

Hello, dear. Today I am just not myself. I just wish to sleep. I had big plans how I would go out and try at least 5000 steps today, I was supposed to unpack some boxes my husband brought from the old appointment, and take care of my cats, spend time with them and cook lunch for me. It's already 4:15pm here and I am just so tired and haven't even started doing most of the chores. Well my pets are not chores, but still it's not enough just to feed them. OK. Let you be the first person I tell that about myself. I have already once told Matthew L about my weird obsession that I only let my husband, the owners of the place and handymen in my home and no one else. I don't have visitors. I fear they'll bring bad energy and bad luck. Doesn't matter how much I like them. I can visit anyone at their homes, no problem. It just doesn't work for me the other way round. I would let you in because you know what I am dealing with, but other ocd less people, no no no. Every time I come home from the outside, I go into this small room in my apartment, that has become like my den for me. I take of my clothes, go take a shower and only then I can go into my kitchen, bedroom,... When I come home, I can spend hours in the small room without taking the shower first. It is the room where I correspond with outside world from, write mails, send SMS, make phone calls,... I can take a nap. Watch videos, read, eat,... But before I go back to the other part of my life, I need to take a shower. And today I just don't feel like doing it yet. I have come to this room early this morning. I kept waking up and going to the restroom all night, so I just let the cats alone so they could sleep and I went into my den. I haven't told you yet. Yesterday I have met a new clinical therapist. By a miracle. Kind of by mistake. I was on their waiting list since August 2022. But it got so bad for me, that I just went to a psychiatrist and asked for help in September 2022.. I was appointed my first clinical psychologist by them. The one who admitted she has no idea about treating ocd. I respect her for that. But since the clinical psychology office obviously doesn't communicate with the psychiatrist department, I was called to come and see the clinical psychologist I was waiting for since August last year and completely forgot about it. I told them about my psychiatrist and psychologist, not how nuts they are, but just that I've been seeing them and still they asked me to come. I got ready immediately and an hour and a half later I was in their office. The new therapist is young, she knows well both my psychiatrist and the first clinical psychologist. So I am a bit afraid that is not a good sign. She did, however show a lot of interest in me and did listen carefully. She was positive, compassionate and optimistic. She told me that she specializes in Erp, which makes her the only one here I guess. I felt like I won the lottery for a second there. Then she gave me this simple piece of paper on which I need to journal my ocd episodes and insisted that I write down, word by word into detail, the thought that comes to my mind when ocd attacks. I said there are no words, no thoughts, just the strong feeling of disgust that is so overwhelming that I don't need the word messages to tell me what it wants from me. She says, that she needs the words, sentences because otherwise we can't work on changing those messages into positive. Well, I am expected to change non-existing words into positive, but I won't work on feelings. I know she wants to change my feelings through changing the thoughts, but I don't have the thoughts like she wants me to have. So I have been a bit doubtful about her specializing in ERP. I had a feeling she was going to start yelling at me if I told her again that my ocd functions in a different way. I know what the message is through the feelings and emotions when ocd strikes, but no specific thought in the form of words and sentences occurs. I think what she is forcing me to do is actually going to worsen my ocd. I will invent new problems that at the moment do not exist. I am so confused. She's younger than 30. All she knows is what she has learnt from books and some practical work. She has never met anyone with my type of ocd, but she insists she knows it better than me. I told her that in 37 years of me and my sweet, dear and faithful ocd I have read a lot about it, how to get rid of it,.... She told me she knows I have read some about ocd is but she was going to teach me what ocd actually is..😳👀🤔 Erin, are you religious and super polite and never curse? I have said a "bad word" probably less than 20 times in my whole life, most of the times telling off my ocd, but I do apologize for what I am going to say now about all of my therapists : " What the f_ _ k, are they all fu_ _ ing nuts?!" The more I am in touch with them the more confused I get and the more hopeless it all feels. I swear if I ever get rid of ocd, or at least manage to control it so that I can function normally, I will somehow do all the needed trainings and education for becoming an ocd therapist so that people here will stand a chance of getting real help for ocd and not being manipulated and mistreated by psychos with education and no experience in real world. I respect doctors and education in general. I respect knowledge. But sometimes it's just not enough. If a therapist has all the knowledge from theory and thinks they are God, but has no experience in real world and even less empathy, compassion and willingness to adjust and help, they can do more harm than help. I understood your husband. I feel the same about me. I know what ocd is, but I still blame myself for not being g successful in beating it. I do try hard to find help, but in vain, and instead of blaming the country where I live, I blame myself for being incompetent and cursed in a way that I always put all my faith in a doctor or therapist and waste months and months hoping they would come round and help knowing all the time they just don't care. I feel like I should fight harder. But there is no way to go anymore here. I have a feeling if my husband just held me in his arms for a long time when the urge to react occurs it would gradually make ocd powerless. It goes against what they teach us, that reassurance is harmful, but for someone who developed ocd to be protected from the scarry world as a young child, younger than your son is, because they had no love and protection from anything by their parents and family, I thing love, affection and motivation could actually do more than ERP. Erin, may I suggest that you take any chance possible to tell your son again and again how sorry you are and how much you love him and how helpless and desperate you feel because of the ocd. Tell him you can't stop the compulsions because you love him and dad do much, that even though you know nothing bad would happen if you didn't do the compulsions, you just can't bring yourself to risk that anything could hurt them or all of you. Tell him that you know that this is actually what is hurting all of you, but the fears of other bad things happening to them are so scary that you just can't risk them happening. Tell him if you faced up compulsions and something bad happened to him, you would blame yourself for the rest of your life for not protecting him and preventing it because you love him. Tell him that for the same reasons you are fighting and looking for help and taking meds. But it takes a long time and a lot of trial and error and a lot of family love and support to get it under control. Tell him you know it scares him. Tell him you know he would give anything to be able to stop this for you and that you thank him for that. And tell him, when he gets scared or said, he should come to you and talk to you, so both of you will feel connected, understood and supported. It might work with your husband as well. I apologize if I overstepped my boundaries. I just believe that communication is all we have left to make all involved feel better and from preventing families from falling apart. Has your son left? I know about the perfectionist freak ocd. I had problem like closing the doors in the right way until it felt right, or putting a glass just a bit to the left or right until it felt in the right spot, or wiping not 3 times but just one more, and after that 4th one just one more time because the 3rd one felt better than the 4th time and then still one more time because now it was an uneven number. It can literally make you go nuts. The feeling of despair, not knowing how long it will take this time until it feels right or keeping in mind all the other things you still have to do and each and every one of them needs to feel just right as well. Sometimes it would be easier just to die. I understand you as if I were you. I feel your pain and despair. And it breaks my heart for you as much as for me. Well, when I moved here almost a year ago I was sent to hospital because of anemia. My iron levels were so low that just taking the pills was not enough. I was 2x 2 hours on infusion, getting iron directly in my blood. Before that, I would do the same as you. I would eat only 1x a day. A meal that my husband needed to prepare after working all day and taking care of everything in our lives because I wasn't able even to go into our kitchen let alone cook. I would go to the bathroom only 1x or 2xa day. Sometimes in pain because of my full bladder. But the pain was easier to deal with than my rituals after coming from the toilet. Two years of living like that and I am still alive. It's a miracle. Two years of living like that and I am still married. That is more than a miracle. From January 2022 till July 2022 I lost 25kg, I think that would be around 55 pounds. From eating a small meal 1x a day. Now I got it all back and I can't stop eating as an antidepressant. Food for me is not feul, it is an antidepressant now. I would sign up for any trial research on using glutamates for ocd. I have the feeling I would do a lot better on them than Zoloft,.... Erin, how did you choose those 11 foods? Why were they ok and others not? I also can't eat certain foods because I feel although I love them, if I eat them, me and my husband will have an argument when I least expect it, out of the blue, or sth else will go wrong. I hope you can feel how much I understand all you are going through. If I could do anything to make it all stop for you, I would. Even if it made my ocd worse. You have a child and a husband. As much as I wish for my husband and me to be happy, I wish it for you and your family the same as well. Treat yourself well these days, pamper yourself, lazy around a bit, do a puzzle,🧩... Make yourself your number 1 priority. I am always here, thinking of you and looking forward to your answers. And I am here if you need someone to lean on. Any time. Love and hugs. Thank you for making me feel human. I used to think I was the only person who is going through such turmoils. I wondered why of all people am I the only one like this. It's good to know someone out there knows what I am talking about. I am sorry that you are going through such things also, but it is good that we are not alone. 🫂😍🍀🌸😘❤️

Hello, dear Erin. . I just took a peak at what's going on here and wanted to say hello to you. I have seen your post to DGP-rider-555 and I think it is an excellent advice. I've been thinking. Maybe for him there is a third option, what about if he is bi-sexual? That would actually solve both his wish to be with women and his attractions to men. Hmmm. I am feeling a bit better today. Still not completely myself, but I'll be alright by Monday for sure. I hope. 😊 How are you spending your weekend? Have you done anything to make your soul, your heart, yourself happy? I think of you a lot. When you think of me, there is a good chance I am thinking of you at the same time. 😄🤗 I really hope that you are either pampering yourself or just taking it super easy in a lazy kind of way. Just be happy.💞. Smile a lot. 🤩😸 So much from me for now. Tons of love and hugs. 🙋🫂🌹💗

NODA- Continuing our conversation: Thank you for all you kind words. It means so much to me - I am truly touched. I am so sorry you have suffered so much from your ocd. And that you have not gotten to be a mother. But from what you described and what I have been through if you had a child when your ocd was really bad you would be confusing and upsetting them due to ocd just as I did with my son. Ocd also interfered with my ability to be close with my husband. I am so glad that medication has allowed you to be able to cuddle your pets and husband again. My husband has threatened to split up with me over the ocd. It has been very rough. At one point he wanted me to move out and I was looking for a place I could afford on my own but during that time we decided it was better for me to be at home as the mom to drive my son to/ from school/appointments etc and to be the one to try to get him to do homework (he has ADHD and Oppositional Defiance disorder So this has been very challenging). At this point my husband and I have decided it’s best if we keep the status quo through high school. We are friends and get along okay and drive each other batty as many couples do. At this point he cares for me and is no longer numb or angry about the ocd - but wants nothing to do with it in terms of conversation. He is supportive of my doing my hierarchy and trying to get help. He understands about not proving reassurance but doesn’t really get how hard ocd is to fight. Three - four hours in the restroom and sometimes up to another hour or two if I have a second or third bm makes travel too difficult right now. Before the whole COVID lock down I was at 1-1/2 hour for a bm and could do so in public restrooms so hit would have been doable then but I’m still trying to work My way back down from many stressors of that situation and since then and some bad med changes. The good thing about losing my job was I got to geochemical the mom instead of the commuting pay check parent - I had a good severance which helped. I was out on leave several times from my ocd and close coworkers and my bosses were aware of my ocd. I hope your standing up to your psychiatrist worked and that she does the research she needs to in order to really help you. When you have figured out your side effect issues and are better doing a small jigsaw puzzle as an exposure would be hard but worth it. I rediscovered my love of puzzles in residential ocd treatment - I was severely depressed/numb and they had me do puzzles to engage in something I used to enjoy. I do them all the time now. Sending you love and support. Hoping there is some way you can get erp therapy to help you. Are you still having up to 10 hour showers? If so, residential treatment might be the best way to go. I don’t remember what country you are in - if you are in the US Rogers Behavioral helped me through all but my core ocd and saved my life (I puke have died from the severe ocd- related eating disorder I had).

😘🥰🫂😊.

Hi NODA,

Hi NODA,

Hi NODA, Sorry the search was so hard to find my post. But I’m glad you wrote what you did to DGP-rider555 - I think you got though to him based on his following post about taking a break from asking for reassurance, etc. What you wrote to him was excellent. Thank you for all your kind words. The reason I never pursued being a therapist is that I can become too concerned about others. When I was first in here I read every non-pocd post and responded. It became a compulsion and I would sometimes stay up later and wait for a reply if I was worried about someone - especially some of the young kids. But I appreciate the thought. I believe am just supposed to help people as the opportunity arises in life - just as there are times when I am struggling and someone says/writes exactly what I need. My husband is so not interested in talking about ocd - he wishes it was gone and compliments when I make progress but that is the scent of it. However, I believe there are spouse/ partner support groups either with Nocd or other sites - Iocdf may list some. I know it really helped my husband to attend some erp therapist sessions to understand my ocd and how to help and what not to do. I hope you can find a group for your husband.

Erin, hello. My husband has just arrived. I will answer your post a bit later. Thank you!!!!! Big hug. I hope you are having a nice ocd free day. 🤗

Hi NODA. Okay day today. We are going between nice warm weather and rain here too - but colder when it rains.

I'm really glad you saw my reply and DGP-rider-555's and did not remove yours. You said what needed to be said to him and think simply was the best way. We are all much more able to give advice then to take it - as it is much harder to do what we need to with fear/disgust/doubt/anxiety emotions going. I hope he makes a decision as well - I feel for him.

Your doctors are a joke. Wouldn't it be great if the meds did the trick with out side effects and we were cured. So sad that your doctors think you are fine and are not worried about your symptoms. I hope you can get a better doctor. But at least your regular doctor can check out thyroid and female hormone issues with tests.

My husband was actually very understanding and helpful when my ocd first was triggered years ago and I got better. But not so much when it came back much worse. And we had a child to worry about. Your husband may never truly understand but I hope he does choose to become more aware and compassionate/forgiving.

Hello, dearest Erin P. How was your weekend? My weekend was nice. Due to the strange weather, we spent Saturday indoors. Yesterday started with a lot of rain showers. In the afternoon, though, it suddenly switched to sunny, so we went out for a walk. There is a beautiful lake at the outskirts of this town where I live. It is about 7 kms away from my home. We took the car to the lake and then went for a lovely walk around it. Some people were swimming (still too cold for me), some were windsurfing, diving, There were 15 beautiful swans there. They are simply amazing. So elegant. People were having picnics, kids playing. Nice. That was yesterday, now my husband's again on his way back to work. I don't know if it works, but I'm sending DGP-rider-555 positive thoughts every day. I believe we will hear from him in the next 2 weeks, I just hope he succedes to find himself in the meantime. I have to admit, that there was always something missing when I was describing my ocd. To myself, here at NOCD or "my therapists" 😵‍💫. That is all. I never talk about ocd to anyone else with few vague exceptions to my husband. And the word that was missing I heard from you. It hit the bullseye. It was like that last hit with a hammer on a nail's head. The word I've been looking for was disgust. That is exactly what I feel when the obsessiond kick in. And it does not even need to be based on touching something that is or might be dirty, it is most often emotional and thought connected disgust for a certain person and everything and everyone connected to them, which somehow transfers to feeling that everything that I had on me or that I've touched from the onset of the ocd trigger until my showering is actually dirty. Tainted by me being contaminated by the disgust I feel for them. And again, I don't feel it because I thought they were dirty physically, but because they are mean, selfish, narcissistic, evil people. I know it can't make sense to someone who's not fighting this crappy type of ocd, because it makes no sense to me as well, but it is soooo hard to deal with. It spreads like a virus, so in the end you not only fear one person but everyone and everything that has ever been in touch with them or even a film or a singer or a food they like causes panic and demand to perform compulsions. This can kill you. You can't listen to the radio because you are scared they might play a song by a musician that your trigger person likes. If you remember eating a pizza with them, you are unable to eat pizza ever again or touch a box with a pizza in it. I was unable to read a book or search internet because I might see their first name written there. Even if there was a different surname, the first name still freaked me out. Meds saved me from losing it completely. But as you mentioned my psychiatrist and the clinical psychologist are a joke. It doesn't matter what degree they have in education, they are just not very intelligent or smart people. In my phone conversation with the psychiatrist, I first listened to her talk nonsense for about 15 - 20 min, then I talked. And I could hear her doing sth else at the background and not listening to me at all. Every time I stopped talking, I could hear her return to the conversation from doing sth else. When she heard the silence after I had stopped talking, she would just say. :" Ahmmmm. Ok." She had no idea what she was saying ok to, because she had no idea what I had said. I will ask my regular doctor to check other possible culprits for my strange symptoms including the hormones. We'll see if she does it because she is friends with my psychiatrist. Weird how everything is somehow connected here, isn't it. Small country, small-minded people. Erin, if you wish to get cured officially, on paper, you should come here and I"ll take you to meet my doctors and they will give you Zoloft ( does not matter if you are on some other medications already) and after a few months you will be proclaimed cured, ocd free. Mind you, it's just on paper. But who are we to fight the opinion of a doctor?! We just go through life with ocd, they have the theoretical knowledge of it to an extent and a diploma. So, if they say cured, cured it is. Why do we still do compulsions? I guess they would say it's just a force of habit. I know what you are saying. When my ocd returned after a few years of having it under a manageable control by the help of MEDS and then going off the meds, it came back so so so much stronger. I was actually pretty successful at hiding my ocd until 6 years ago. My husband knew I had issues, fears,... but not how big and demanding they were. He is quite supportive now. It's a lot better than it used to be. But I still notice he doesn't really get it. When we talked about the side effects I am having and my doctors attitude to it, he said :" I think when you manage to get a job and start working again, you will have less time to think about your problems and you won't need the meds and there will be no side effects." That made me sad and upset me. I realized that although I have told him that ocd is a disease and not some sort of a personality quirk, and although I had been convinced for a few last months that he finally understands the essence of ocd, he has not understood it yet. How did you explain it to your husband? Did you manage to visit your parents? I hope you did. Did your husband go with you? Is your son still at the camp? How does it feel for you when he's away? What is he like? What does he like? Even though it must be extremely hard to be a mother with ocd, I am really happy for you that you were blessed with your son. I was just thinking about how I would do if I were in my husband's or your husband's shoes. Let's say, my husband had ocd and I didn't. Would I have the strength to go through all the crap with him for 22 years like he does with me? How would I be able to understand him? It's weird for us, imagine how weird it must look to them. A new week begins. It will be beautiful. You know why? Because I have your back and you have mine. No matter what happens, we will go through it together. Thanks for being in my life. A loooot of love and biiiiig hugs to you from me. 😊❤️

Hi NOCD, Busy weekend - getting and labeling stuff for my son to go to camp - and my hormonal cycle two restroom bms which means over 4-1/2 hours in the bathroom today (yesterday was three trips so like 6 hours in the restroom) - but it was 4-1/2 hours long for one trip not long ago. Just exhausting. But doing okay anyway. I’m so sorry you’ve suffered so much with the ocd but glad meds have helped. I hope you can get a new psychiatrist soon who dan prescribe one of the glutamate meds to help with the disgust. Zoloft is actually what I’m on but after about one to two years I have to switch to Alexa pro and then in a year or two switch back - I take each until the side effects outweigh the benefits and then switch - it works because after a year I can go back on one and it will work again. My husband came to a number of appointments with me and read about ocd the first time. The second time around he was just frustrated. Understand what it is and I understanding what it’s like are two different things. Hoping to see my parents later in the week - too busy with the restroom and mom stuff. My son leaves Wednesday and will be gone for 18 days and my husband will be ona motorcycle trip for about a week if that. I will miss them but relish the quiet and some time on my own. Having no responsibility for others and not having the distractions of my husband in the bedroom folding laundry or changing clothes etc when I in the restroom will be easier. I still feel glad to have my son despite my ocd and his very challenging defiance disorder. I wish I could live in the townhouse next door so my restroom issue would interfere with my husband less (when he can shower etc) and I could have quiet space to myself more often. Thank you. Yes I’m very glad we have our connection and can support each other. Much love and hugs. ❤️🫂🤗❤️🫶

Dear Erin, I will write to you a bit later in the day. I have to run some chores first and then I will have time to myself. Thinking of you! 🫂💕

Erin, hello. I can't believe it, but I went for a walk today and did a bit over 10450 steps or just over 7 km. Alone. I needed that more than the fresh air. Now I am beat. My legs and feet hurt. 😁. But it's OK. This is good tired. Last night when I couldn't sleep and just now, I did some reading about defiance disorder and glutamate meds. I never really paid attention to what exactly is the defiance disorder. I must say, that after reading about it and your mentioning that your son's d. disorder is very challenging, I can't imagine how it must be for you to have to deal with that as well as with ocd. I don't think I would be strong enough to fight both disorders. Your husband must be in constant emotional turmoil. To deal with a spouse with ocd is super challenging, and as if that was not enough, to see your child going through another tough disorder?I think we are very lucky to have husbands who stick with us and don't give up on us. I will try to thank my husband every once in a while. I understand how you feel. I have also wished many times that I could live in an apartment next or close to ours, alone. I also longed for piece and quiet. I still do. And for a place where I could kind of start over, yet still married, and where my compulsions would not dictate my husband's life. I guess this is also a kind of avoiding the issues, but at least it would be easier to do compulsions without having the feeling that you are being judged or perceived as a nutcase. Erin, it breaks my heart to read that you still need to spend 4 - 6 hours in the bathroom a day. I know how utterly energy draining that is. On one hand you feel kind of proud of yourself because you managed to do all your ocd tells you to do, but at the same time the depth of sadness, hopelessness, despair, loneliness is so incredibly deep and strong it's just devastating to deal with. It's that feeling that you did "win" today, (actually ocd always wins even with performing the smallest ritual), but knowing that it will only get worse. The obsessions will demand more rigid and strenuous compulsions. And how long can you keep up before you break down completely? That is how it is for me. I wish I could be with you. I would give you such an enormous hug after you finish with your compulsions. Every day. Instead of being judged or rediculed because of our compulsions, all we really want is for some understanding soul to be there, to hold us, hug us and say a kind and uplifting word or two. At least that's how it is with me. I know you lovd your son and husband, but I am glad that you will have the time alone. It can do wonders. Can you tell me how does your son behave due to his disorder and how do you and your husband deal with it? Is it too personal to ask you what are the anxiety and the thoughts behind your compulsions? What do your obsessions scare you of? How do you deal with going to the restroom at your parent's home? I was asked by my therapist as a homework to write down when an obsession occurred, what time, what was the thought and the emotion behind it and my response and level of anxiety. I told her, that my obsessions don't talk to me like she thinks they do, my obsessions press on my emotions, feelings. When I am triggered, I don't hear a voice in my head saying, you do this and that if you wish to be safe or ok and if you don't do it this will happen. With me, I kind of skip the thought step. It hits on my feelings. I start with slight anger (why me again, can't I have a normal life just for a while,..), and then the fear of anticipating how tired I will end up being and the prevailing feeling of disgust. She now told me that I need to find the thought that is present, because otherwise she has nothing to work with. 🤔😏😂. I think that I will end up with a completely new disorder while dealing with my therapists or in the best case with a new sub type of ocd developed for me by me that I have never had or heard of before, just to make my therapists happy. 🤣🙈 I need to make up thoughts to make her happy. So that she can follow what her books tell her to do. Oh, G. I just hope that one day my ocd will be so confused, astonished and amazed by what stupidity my therapists come up with, that it will just give up. It is as confusing to my ocd as it is to me to hear that my ocd doesn't exist any more. My ocd keeps yelling, " Who the hell am I?" What the..... are they talking about? How do I not exist if I am here? " I am not familiar with Alexa pro. What side effects do Zoloft and Alexa give you? Is it hard to do the switching between the two? I have read about glutamate meds. I can't figure out if it is already being prescribed for ocd or not yet. Can I ask my doctor to switch from Zoloft to one of the glutamate antagonists? Have you tried Erp? Did it work for you? You are right. Understanding what ocd is and what it is like are two different things. I hope your son will have beautiful 18 days at the camp. And your husband as well on his biking trip. And most of all that you will pamper yourself as much as you can. Enjoy every second of being free, home alone even if it is just for a week. Besides puzzles, do you maybe have a favourite book, movie. singer, band, actor,... If you could spend all the hours wasted on compulsions on something that would make you happy, what would you spend them on? For me it is very frustrating that we all do compulsions to protect our dear ones and ourselves from something bad happening and instead of people understanding how important they are to us, they blame us for ruining their lives. Well we ruin ours even more. But it will be OK. As long as we have each other's shoulder to lean on, we will fight it all. We will. Ups and downs are a part of ocd, but the strength of mutual support is stable and only grows. I am sending you as much love as I can from one side of the world to another and a hug for every minute of the day. I am thankful for you in my life. Honestly. I feel heard, supported and appreciated. Thank you. And that is exactly what I want to give you. 🫂🤗😍💞❤️

Fully understand. Take all the time you need. I wish him a safe trip and 18 days of fun. adventure and relaxation. Till later. 😄❤️

Hi NODA - Yes, the defiance disorder is hard on both of us. I thank my husband often. And he does appreciate that I deal with all my son’s homework issues. Glad you can relate on wanting to live separately but near you husband. At least I’ve moved down from five hours for a bm last year and nearly two for second trip (last year). I am gradually working down the compulsions which is a battle everyday. But in a good one bm day it can be 3-1/4 hrs. I can get it down again as it was 1 to 1-1/2 hr per bm pre- COVID after residential etc. after having been 2 to 2-1/2 hrs + per bm for many years.

Sorry you feel like you could break down. With me the restroom time (usually one trip/day) is it - so many other ocd issues are gone or easy to manage and I’m making progress with the restroom - down to less than one hr for second and third trips and most days 4 or less for the first trip. I think mementine will help a lot because disgust is such a huge part of this. The weather is giving me headache so I have to wait to start it. And continuing to use my erp hierarchy to gradually reduce my compulsions to get my time down. It was great in residential, PHP and iop to have another person suffering from ocd to talk to after a long restroom trip and sometimes just get a hug. Know that I send you virtual hugs and strength. Having n

Time without worrying about or working around others and quiet will be a good staycation for me. And I will be able to do other erp exposures. My son and husband are annoyed by my unavailability. My son resents how harsh I was when he was young but does understand it was about fear and not him and that I am sorry. They go on trips and do stuff without me so they are not held back from fun because of me. My husband has to do more if something for my son is during my restroom time. Fear, disgust, contamination. Ocd also bullies me about wiping wrong/ not enough etc. I only visit my parents when I’m out of the restroom and able to spend a number of hours with them without having to have a bm. So I go on days when I’m done after my first trip. I would be able to have a second bm at my sisters or mother in laws so it’s less restrictive. But it’s better than it was - there was a time I couldn’t peek outside my house and would get up early eat and drink enough to use the restroom and then restrict food and drink to make sure I could be home before using the restroom again. I do not have this type of eating disorder anymore and can pee in public restrooms. Erp did that for me l.

Your therapist is wrong in my opinion - I wish you could see someone else who understands ocd better. I hope you can supplement what she does do by using anxieties.com, Shala Nicely’s website and perhaps the book Brain Lock. On working with your therapist I would focus on recording the feelings and that the thought is disgust and being tainted. This may be helpful although she is clueless. Lexapor is another ssri. When I get too tired to think straight and stay awake and my anxiety goes up I switch - not hard to do but lexapro makes me feel like ants are crawling on me when I first start it. The glutamates aren’t officially okay for ocd - still being studied - but can be used off spec. They need to be used with the ssri instead of in place of it from what I’ve read. Erp helped me with so many contamination issues, food fears, perfectionism, etc. Just bms remain. And like I said it is helping me move down the times. I truly believe in it and would have died without it from my food restriction (I was hospitalized for malnutrition after years of eating only 11 foods- now I’m a healthy weight and eat tons of different foods). Yes - just as for us knowing what to do about ocd and doing it are two different things. Thank you for the good wishes for me and mine. I’m going to see a movie and be in touch with friends and visit my parents and go on walks. My husband is irritated but gets that ocd is a disorder. I think ge only blames me for not fighting it harder. Yes. Support is vital. I’m here for you. And this forum is great - so many different and useful perspectives. Hugs, love, strength to you as well. I’m so glad we can support each other. 🫶🫂🤗🫂❤️♥️💙

Hi NODA, My email is erinperlow@gmail.com – it will be easier for us to communicate via email then on the small chat box on NODA. Sorry for the delay in getting back to you – very busy evening and day. Sorry you did not get what you wanted to done. You are not the only one who does not allow people into your home because of OCD/OCD-spectrum disorders – many hoarders have this same issue. Having read a lot of the blogs on NOCD, many people avoid people or things due to fear of bad luck. But I am glad that you can visit others. I have read accounts of people who have safe space that they or their children must shower before going into the rest of the home. This must be so difficult for you. Good erp therapy could really help you with this. I am so sad you have been so long without proper care, but I am glad you have someone new who specializes in erp. I have had good erp therapist ask what the thoughts are that go with the feelings even if I wasn’t sure what the thoughts were. When you have the fear/disgust, just record what you feel. Then ask if there is a though – like “I will make my house contaminated if I do not shower to get rid of ……” Give it a shot, even if it seems like a waste and possibly could make you worse. It may end up being useful. For me I found that essentially for bm I am not afraid of getting sick, but just being contaminated – smelling bad, feeling icky, being a bad person if I am not clean enough….. This helped with my treatment. If there is never a thought and just feelings, and you record them, your therapist will at least have that information. Send her the article about disgust so she can see this perspective as well – and access information about it in professional literature you and I can not access. Since she is young, she may be willing to be open and explore this more – possibly even with her OCD erp therapist peers. I am spiritual and believe God opens doors/gives us choices and that we can choose which direction we go. But I am not “religious” per se so warranted swearing will not offend me. Erp is about taking risks, so take the risk that she will be better than the person you are seeing now. You have been without good care – that is not your fault. It is OCD blaming you, as it blames me. I do try to fight it – it’s hard. One tool I use is from “The Noise in Your Head” YouTube series by Reid Wilson. In the first one the character playing OCD is bullying the woman, Susan, by saying “Don’t be like Susan.” I try to remind myself that’s what OCD is telling me – that I’m wrong. Love, affection, support/motivation and lots of hugs are vital to healing. I consider them a supplement to erp. To me reassurance is someone telling you that something bad won’t happen or telling you why something is safe. Love and hugs are not reassurance, they are support. I appreciate the advice regarding my son and husband. My son and I have had many conversations so I do think he understand about my OCD being based on fear and being such a struggle. At this point when he complains that I was unavailable because was in the restroom I say “Do you think I would have rather been in the bathroom then doing something with you?” And, he says “No.” He totally gets that I would rather be with him. My husband gets annoyed by apologies. He believes they are useless words. But when he sees improvement or I am able to share a success he hears me. My son left this morning – his luggage will get there tomorrow due to an issue at the airport. But the camp has a sleeping bag, food and fun activities for him so it will all work out. My just right perfectionism is in wiping enough in the restroom, but I used to have to the form or perfectionism where I would overdo and overthink everything at work and in my life and track any “misdeeds” in an effort to be perfect. The bathroom time is a struggle and a nightmare, but I am not unhappy otherwise. Before residential erp treatment I was in a state of numbness and misery and thought it would be better to die if I were not a mom. But I have not lost the joy I regained in treatment. I have hope that you will get there too --- to move from a life of despair to a life worth living. I am sorry that lack of food made you so sick, but am very glad you eat now. Since it sounds like your psychiatrist won’t prescribe glutamates for you, I hope you can find a trial. I had a naturopath tell me to try food elimination for stomach issues and to take progesterone based on a saliva test (which I now know is wrong and unreliable for female hormone testing). I ended up eliminating more and more foods. I tried the Arevdic (not sure this is spelled right) diet and FODMAP diets and my selection of food just kept shrinking. My food fears were all around worrying about more restroom or more challenging restroom trips. In my case, my stomach was bad because of progesterone when I was on it, and anxiety otherwise. Your food fears may be of a different theme but it is the same result – food avoidance (called ARFID). Once you have gotten more into erp, we can discuss how to fight this using an erp hierarchy as many erp therapists are not familiar with OCD related to ARFID. Over all my husband and son and I are not unhappy, and do have times which are happy. But the wishes from you touch my heart. I wish for you and your husband to be happy too. And am sending you love, strength and hugs and hope. I am here for you. I hope you are reading many of the posts related to luck, magic, etc. as I think you will feel less alone; since I do not have experience with this theme - but many others on NOCD do. You are so not alone. Thinking of you and wishing you well. Love, Erin

Also, I know the iocdf conference is coming up soon - last year I paid for a seminar which was recorded and am finally working my way through it now. You may want to check online and see if there are any presentations that you can get remotely that would be of help to you.

Sending you hugs to last till Monday and will respond to all of this later.

Hi NODA, Sorry for the delay. Busy weekend due to OCD and visiting my parents. My husband will be on vacation from Wednesday until Monday. My son left Wednesday and will be back after 18 days – his camp is electronics free, so we are hoping he sends a card to tell us how he is doing – we’ve already sent him several. Sorry it was originally a scare/surprise when you husband came home early, but glad you got more time together. I’m sorry OCD is forcing you to shower and clean so much. I really hope your new therapist can help you. I hope you are feeling better by now. It sounded like you were coming down with a cold or had bad allergies as well as being exhausted. But, I have found that thyroid issues can also cause the feeling like you are being chocked. It’s a terrible feeling – I get it when my sinuses or hormones are really bad. I look forward to your email and your name when you feel up to it. I will be happy whenever I receive it so please don’t feel like it is an obligation if you are too tired or unwell. Although I am happy to be of help, I hope that ultimately your new therapist is more help than I am. I have been lucky to have some very good erp therapists to help me (I’ve also had one really bad one). I was also relieved to see DGP-rider-555 posting again. I wish he could understand that he has to make a choice – gay, bisexual or ocd in order to end his doubting nightmare. I hope you are right that he is moving in the right direction. I love what you said about OCD being an unwelcome and uninvited tennant. As always thank you for your kind words. Much love, but hugs and hope for better physical health so you can have the strength to fight the OCD just a little bit more each day. Love, Erin

Hi NODA, If you have too many emails it can stop sending emails – at least that’s how it was when I was working. I would periodically have to do an email cleanout so I could send emails. If that doesn’t work, try googling “Yahoo” not sending emails or even look on YouTube or WikiHow. I will look for the post. I hope you can find a new psychiatrist – you are on a waitlist right? I think it would be wise to check out thyroid, overall health and female hormones with your regular doctor – you don’t need your psychiatrist for that. Yes, my husband left yesterday. Nervous about an appointment tomorrow so a lot of time in the restroom today, but I managed to run a lot of errands yesterday which made me feel good. Hugs.

Hello, Erin. How did it go with your appointment today? Or has it not happened yet? Good for you about the errands. I will try everything you suggested. I don't have that many emails, but there are some I can delete for sure. I am not on a waiting list. I was for 9 months for that second clinical psychologist that I saw last week for the first time and will see her again next week. I think. I live in a town with 11.000 people. In the whole town there are only 3 psychiatrists. One works only with the elderly in the elderly home, the other two work door to door in the health center. One of them is my psychiatrist and the other her mentor and boss. If I wanted to see a different psychiatrist I would need to travel by bus for a few hours there and back. It would be too expensive, too strenuous and might even not be possible because of the bad buss connections. So it is either her or her boss. Would you even consider switching to her boss if you were in my position? The fun part comes now. I have seen my regular doctor only once. She was recommend to me by non the other than my psychiatrist. They studied medicine together. They hung out together a lot during study years. My regular doctor is now a puppet in my psychiatrist hands. The new clinical psychologist is my only hope. But she now needs to get in touch with the old one and my psychiatrist, so I am not sure she will be any different from them two. Is it OK that you send your psychiatrist a question regarding your health issues and you get no reply. Out of 10 mails in the last 10 months, she only answered 2 and even that was of no use. I do not bother her. She herself gave me both of her email addresses to send her info about possible side effects of the Zoloft and if I had any questions when I first met her. Out of 10 emails 7were the same. Me telling her I haven't slept in 3 months. If I do fall asleep, I wake up after 2 or 3 hours, never longer than 4. I went from 65 kg to 93 since January. I do not eat animal fat. My only vice is chocolate and sweets. But I would have to eat the size of an elephant of sweets on regular bases to gain so much weight. Depression occurred. Actually it is not depression. It is a state of anxiety caused by the feeling of hopelessness because I am begging for help and treatment and nobody gives a damn. I upped my dose of Zoloft without asking her. I know I am NOT supposed to do that. But I wanted to see if the side effects get worse so I could point my finger at Zoloft. Guess what. I have more energy. My brain fog has lifted. The other side effects are the same, not stronger. The only thing I notice is that OCD is trying to break out. I do some things I haven't done while I was on 100mg. But, since I upped my dosage quite a lot instantly, I guess first it gets worse before it gets better. Right? Wrong? At least now I am able to make myself move. Before I was just there, no motivation, big brain fog, feeling of terrible hopelessness. Now it is your turn. You can tell me I am irresponsible, dumb,... for doing that on my own without the "doctor", but I couldn't go on like that till August. I would have died. And no answer from my doctor at all. Now I will need to find a way to let her know. I can't even begin to imagine what will happen when she finds out. Years ago when I was on Zoloft, I went from 0 to 200 mg in 3 months. 4 tops. Now she has no intention of ever changing my medicine or prescribe higher dosages needed to treat ocd. She just lets me waist my time and fight the s. effects on my own... I do not see much help for me. I told my clinical psychologist 1 about my problems with my psychiatrist. Now no reply from her. They also work door to door and see each other daily. What exactly am I doing wrong? Am I supposed to just sit and be quiet and not complain no matter how hard it gets? What is expected of me as a patient? Is the way my therapists and doctors behave normal to someone outside this small town? I feel like I were in a twilight zone. My current trigger person threatened me a few years ago to put a curse on me because I didn't give my life up and follow her irrational ideas of how my life should be the way she ordered me to. She threatened she would destroy me with her black magic. Hmmm. Maybe that is her work. She is a narcissist as they come and egomaniac and if she tells you to jump of a building and you politely explain to her why you are saying No, she freaks out and starts threatening. Uh. At least now the thought of her does make me loose my mind and push me into hour of cleaning,showering. Just 8 months ago it would. I wish you a great weekend. Big hugs. Much love. 🫂 ( for Friday) 🫂 ( for Saturday) 🫂( for Sunday) ❤️❤️❤️. 😊

Resting and will respond later

Hi NODA, I’m glad you understand about just being too tired to respond at times. I have been thinking a lot about you and our connection. I think God brought us together so you could find that you can make friends through the shared nightmare of being an OCD sufferer. I have read posts from several people who, like you, have few or no friends, and have a need for a connection. I believe you would benefit greatly from attending some of the NOCD support groups and perhaps doing a posting saying that you are “looking for OCD friends” with whom you can connect not just about OCD but also “about what makes you /me happy, hobbies, good articles we come across, movies we like, books, music, people, your and my country,... Maybe a good joke or sth.” I would include in your post that you want to connect so that you and others can give each other “more strength when ocd attacks and feel genuinely understood and supported.” I care about you and want the best for you, but I am feeling much more overwhelmed than I expected. I say this because I am not looking for the kind of communication you are asking for – it would be a burden for me when I family who are suffering from physical and/or mental health challenges that I do not have the bandwidth to be there for as much as I would like. And, I have existing friends of over 20 years that I miss greatly but do not contact because of my limited energy. So, although I am truly saddened that you have only two real friends and your husband, I believe that there are one or more people out there on NOCD who would be able to be the friend you need – someone who has OCD, needs a friend, and wants to connect for and beyond OCD challenges. I’m sorry I did not bring this up sooner and that I have hurt you. But I truly believe that because you have broken the ice with me, that maybe you can take the next step to find someone on NOCD who is looking for the same thing you are. I do not believe you would have asked for this before we met on NOCD, and I hope for you that, even if you are hurting from my pulling back, that you will see this as an opportunity to find someone who can be an OCD sufferer friend in all the ways you need. What I can offer is OCD support when I am able. And, I too will be happy when I see you on NOCD. But, based on my currently struggles, I need to be selfish and have my connections through NOCD just be to feel less alone in this struggle and to share OCD experiences and advice. I have seen posts that some people have set up Facebook/Instragram/etc. OCD groups to expand beyond NOCD, so that is another option for you to expand your world. Sending you love, strength, hugs, and wishes for you to find someone who can provide the kind of friendship you deserve.

Erin, hello. My intention was never to find friends like those one has in person, around him, here at NOCD. I don't believe I am the kind of person who trusts people's nature enough to wish for such friends. Real one's that you see often and know in person. No. I have never been good at that. I just get used and kicked around. I am much rather on my own. I don't get disappointed by my own character and nature, because I know who and the way I am. I just wanted the same thing as you here at NOCD. To be a part of community of people who are going through similar problems as me and to feel less alone. It is often a lot easier to talk to someone you will never see in person than to those whose faces you can read in front of you. You don't need to explain your self. Everything is OK. I had no idea I became such a burden to you. I always felt support and care from your posts. That's all I needed and appreciated. Thank you for that. I am sorry I was too much for you. I guess I should keep my personal stuff to myself just like I have always done in my real life so far. My problems are not your responsibility to solve. I was always just glad to get an opinion from you. I respect you deeply. Even when other people attack someone, you reply in a kind and polite way with a lot of useful information and suggestions. I think you are one of the kindest people here. I am not going to look for friends. I don't need that. I just wanted to feel I the right place at the right time, and on the right planet for once in my life. That's why I joined NOCD. It's OK that you wish to focus on you and your face to face friends. That is perfectly normal. I understand your post perfectly and I promise I won't bother you anymore. I still admire you. I still think you are a lot stronger than you feel you are. I admire you for being a mom, a wife and fighting ocd at the same time. And I admire your kind way in which you try to help people. You are still the one I will always be happy to read posts from. I just won't reply. I am seriously considering deleting my account here. I truly think there's something seriously wrong with me. My answers here have been misinterpreted so many times that I am starting to think that my family and relatives who think I am worthless are right. I stand up for Pride, a woman tears me appart. I stand up for DGP-rider555 and a man reads in my post something that has never even crossed my mind. He says he laughs. Doesn't say at what. We need to read his mind. He expects for us to find it amusing. If you don't, he attacks you personally. I am a screw up. Have been fighting for others, prevented 2 teenage girls from committing suicide, have stopped an American 2x ex prisoner, a pedofile who came to my language school and wanted to teach kids English, I have put a guy in prison for molesting sexually his step son, I have helped the elderly with no one on their side, I have rescued my 3 cats, saved approximately 20 other cats and found them a home, took care of other people dogs because they abandoned them. I saved chicken, ducks, sheep, pigs, birds,... I believed for a short while I was not a bad person and my ex family was wrong about me. I even thought I was kinder and more loving they ever were. I see here, that no matter what I stand for and do, I am always the weird one, the easy target for people to attack before trying to understand what I am saying. I guess I need to learn how to be a bit selfish myself. I am not on Facebook, Instagram, Tik tok,... That is not how I want my life to be. I am here only because it is about ocd. Yeah, you are right. It is about ocd and not about making friends. I am sending you hugs so that at any time in the future when ocd hits hard you will know you are not lonely and not understood. If you ever reach out for me, I will be there for you provided I am still on NOCD. I just won't contact you on my own anymore. I hope one day I will get to see your post saying you are ocd free. It would truly make my day. Love, No.... Da....

Thank you for your extremely kind post. You are a truly wonderful person. You can reply and I can respond to your posts - but it will be like responding to others - just on topic and for the issue at the moment rather than an ongoing regular conversation. That I can do as I do care. There are unkind people and those who misunderstand everywhere including here. Some people just like to tear others apart - hence the term trolls for people who use social media for this - like the man on the post with DGP-rider555 - I only read a tiny bit of the interchange but he is clearly a troll. Ignore him. I hope you will stay on nocd for what you need and ignore the trolls. I also am not on other social media but feel this is helpful.