The purpose of living (a haiku)

@Applecore Having pocd, hocd, and real events OCD… it hurts… and i feel so alone…

@Givenup You're not alone. We're all going through this. I'm so sorry you're suffering

@Applecore You deserve happiness more than i ever could

@Givenup Everyone is deserving of happiness. And I believe everyone deserves redemption. You deserve it. We're here for you ❣️

@Applecore I remember when i pleasured myself to explicit content involving a man and a woman when i was 12-13… and i finished at the same time the dude did… my hocd is saying im in denial for this… I had no idea what sexuality was or anything like that… my first ever crush was a woman and i always want it to be women… i dont ever want to be attracted to men in any way shape or form… It was an educational video, so it was showing his privates finishing inside of the woman... i dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual at all… Its making me feel like im not anxious of triggering thoughts when i try to check my reaction too… i dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual at all… When i think about beautiful attractive women, i feel happy and relaxed… actually comfortable… when i see guys, get intrusive thoughts about guys, or intrusive feelings, it makes me feel so anxious and uncomfortable… Its making me think i wanted to finish at the same time as the guy in the video… i dont think i was attracted to him because when he moaned in the video i remember feeling turned off by it… i dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual at all… I remember finishing when the guy did… his privates were shown when he was finishing… i dont ever want to ever be attracted to guys in any way shape or form in my lifetime… I also remember that i wasnt attracted to the guy at all… I just wanted to finish when he did because I wanted to keep up the same pace… I dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual at all…

@Givenup Don't try to overthink this. I know it's hard but you know who you are. It'll be okay.

@Applecore My real events OCD based on pocd and hocd real events has been targeting me constantly…

@Givenup The past is the past.We have all done stuff we aren't proud of.( I know I have.) No one has the right to judge you my friend. As time goes on it'll hurt less. I'm so sorry your dealing with this.

@Applecore I dont ever want to ever be what my OCD says about me… in any way shape or form… all i want in my life… is to be with a beautiful adult woman… who i can love and cherish with all my heart and soul…

@Givenup She'll come. Take care of yourself first. 💜

@Applecore Do you think im in denial of my HOCD…?

@Givenup Any over obsession is OCD. If you have to question it constantly then it's probably not real.

@Applecore I need your help… my pocd and real events OCD is really acting up… may i send you my situation??

@Applecore @Applecore Plus i remember finishing to explicit content involving a man and a woman, and the fanfic was very detailed on how the man finished… when it was describing how the man finished, i read the part and finished as well… i dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual at all… i was addicted to explicit content when i was 12-14…I dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual at all… in any way…

@Givenup You need to sit with the feeling. No matter what I say it's not going to change anything. Acknowledge it but then continue with your day. If you ruminate on it it's gonna make it worse. Me reassuring you is only gonna hurt you more. I know it's hard but you need to try to get better. I promise you it's not as bad as you feel it is.

@Applecore What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 20... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭

@Givenup You were a child. Those events don't matter anymore and nothing has come of it. Try to sit in the present. All this ruminating that you're doing isn't good for you.

@Givenup I feel like I've spoken to you before.. were you also user known as 745?

@Applecore Yes…

@Givenup I remember you! We spoke a few years ago. My pictures different but my username is the same. I'm so sorry that you're still going through this

@Givenup Please don't give up my friend. Stay strong.

@Applecore I… I loathe my life…

@Applecore The real events when i was 13 were extremely horrible… and i didnt know how horrible until i grew up… my mom knows everything but she says that everything is okay, the events arent serious anymore and that im not what my ocd says about me… this known former ocd therapist told me “Thirteen-year-old children do not have an adult's sexual understanding or responsibility. So, you can see why you didn't realise the horribleness of an event until you matured. So now, in the present, you know yourself to be a good moral person. It allows you to let go of the past.” Idk if this is true… but the real events were extremely horrible when i was 13 and i didnt know…

@Givenup I know you told me about this before. It's done and over with. I know the guilt is hard to get over but you have to understand that whatever you did when you were that young does not reflect on who you are now as an adult. You've learned from your experience and you've grown. You're an entirely different person now. You're better person now. please don't give up. I believe in you

@Applecore Your 22 now right?

@Applecore I also have hocd real events… mainly the ones i told you earlier… it feels like i have too many real events… 😭😭

@Applecore Im nearly 22 yes

@Applecore I feel so alone… my real events ocd involving my hocd and pocd are going haywire…

@Givenup Your not alone. We're here going through this too

@Applecore My hocd and real events ocd is rampant mostly… I remember when i pleasured myself to explicit content involving a man and a woman when i was 12-13… and i finished at the same time the dude did… my hocd is saying im in denial for this… I had no idea what sexuality was or anything like that… my first ever crush was a woman and i always want it to be women… i dont ever want to be attracted to men in any way shape or form… It was an educational video, so it was showing his privates finishing inside of the woman... i dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual at all… Its making me feel like im not anxious of triggering thoughts when i try to check my reaction too… i dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual at all… When i think about beautiful attractive women, i feel happy and relaxed… actually comfortable… when i see guys, get intrusive thoughts about guys, or intrusive feelings, it makes me feel so anxious and uncomfortable… Its making me think i wanted to finish at the same time as the guy in the video… i dont think i was attracted to him because when he moaned in the video i remember feeling turned off by it… i dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual at all… I remember finishing when the guy did… his privates were shown when he was finishing… i dont ever want to ever be attracted to guys in any way shape or form in my lifetime… I also remember that i wasnt attracted to the guy at all… I just wanted to finish when he did because I wanted to keep up the same pace… I dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual at all… Plus i remember finishing to explicit content involving a man and a woman, and the fanfic was very detailed on how the man finished… when it was describing how the man finished, i read the part and finished as well… i dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual at all… i was addicted to explicit content when i was 12-14…I dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual at all… in any way…

@Givenup Can I ask you a weird question? I've been nice to you haven't I? I've never made you feel uncomfortable right? You've done nothing wrong I promise. I'm just asking.

@Applecore Youve been really nice to me. And you havent made me feel uncomfortable… if anything its this OCD…

@Givenup I figured as much. I know we spoke a long time ago about a year ago. And I know you're much younger than me. I just wanted to check and see if I made a mistake or anything.

@Applecore Youve done the opposite actually… youve given me peace

@Applecore I just… i feel very uncomfortable with my OCD… and knowing real events OCD is involved… its crushed my soul for 3 years… what you know about me is something not even my parents or my close friends know…

@Applecore How do i know im not what my pocd and hocd say about me…? I have real events based on these two that ive told you about… I dont ever want to ever be what my ocd says about me…

@Givenup Sometimes our memories distort. And just because you've had bad moments does not encompass who you are today. Remember we are all human. Even you. It doesn't matter if you've had instances otherwise I can promise you that you are normal. Everyone has experiences. Sometimes they're bad experiences. They help us figure out who we are and become better people. You know who You Are. Not what your OCD tells you. You are strong and stronger than this. Don't ruminate on things I don't matter anymore. Your thoughts aren't going to hurt you and I promise you you're not alone. You are not a bad person. You are just a human being trying to make it through life.

@Applecore I remember when i pleasured myself to explicit content involving a man and a woman when i was 12-13… and i finished at the same time the dude did… my hocd is saying im in denial for this… I had no idea what sexuality was or anything like that… my first ever crush was a woman and i always want it to be women… i dont ever want to be attracted to men in any way shape or form… It was an educational video, so it was showing his privates finishing inside of the woman... i dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual at all… Its making me feel like im not anxious of triggering thoughts when i try to check my reaction too… i dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual at all… When i think about beautiful attractive women, i feel happy and relaxed… actually comfortable… when i see guys, get intrusive thoughts about guys, or intrusive feelings, it makes me feel so anxious and uncomfortable… Its making me think i wanted to finish at the same time as the guy in the video… i dont think i was attracted to him because when he moaned in the video i remember feeling turned off by it… i dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual at all… I remember finishing when the guy did… his privates were shown when he was finishing… i dont ever want to ever be attracted to guys in any way shape or form in my lifetime… I also remember that i wasnt attracted to the guy at all… I just wanted to finish when he did because I wanted to keep up the same pace… I dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual at all…

@Givenup Again read my last reply.

@Applecore Can false memories just suddenly appear? For my real events, they suddenly appeared except I didnt question it because the real events actually happened… when it comes to today… I was enjoying a movie and I got triggered by intrusive thoughts of doing stuff to a baby and then all of a sudden i got a graphic image of it and it sent me into an anxiety attack… i dont remember doing that… its giving me intrusive thoughts of doing that “when i was a kid” when i dont remember ever doing that or ever wanting to do that…

@Givenup Absolutely false memories can appear. I get triggered over movies too

@Applecore I… I looked at homosexual explicit anime content a couple times when i was 14… I had no idea what sexuality was at the time… and my hocd has triggered me with it… I had no idea what sexuality was at the time and i was also addicted to explicit content at the time… i dont ever want to be homosexual or bisexual at all… in any way… and this is POCD related too because this was a very wide known explicit anime that involved very young characters… i dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo at all in any way…

@Givenup Again read my last comment.

@Applecore I dont feel safe thats the issue… i just get constantly hit left and right with all these hocd and pocd real events… and I feel like im alone with no one… I know im annoying you and upsetting you… and if i am im truly sorry… i just dont know what to do…

@Applecore Im alone and ive got no one for support… not my parents… not my friends… just this app… this app is all i have…

@Givenup No I understand. I didn't mean to come off cross. But I'm just trying to tell you continuing to spiral is not going to make you feel any better. I know you get hit with these constantly but if you feed into them they're only going to make it worse. You can't go on here seeking reassurance for giving into your compulsion of confessing. It might make you feel better in the moment but it's only going to make you spiral more. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this I really am. I'm just trying to help you in the best way I know I could.

@Applecore I feel like i have too many real events for it to be hocd and pocd… i dont ever want to be what my hocd and pocd say about me…

@Applecore I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo or homosexual or bisexual at all…

@Givenup Your none of those things.

@Givenup This is going to pass.