Quote:Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today Me:Because anxiety Because depression Because lack of sleep ???

This is just a vent. Feels nice to just be honest about who I am and my deficiencies. Mental health advocates are always like "you deserve to live no matter what" and I'm like "bet lol" I am not a good person whose presence has any positive impact on the world. I'm not evil, just useless without having the excuse of depression or whatever (it's anxiety based but again who gives a shit). If I were to go away, I wouldn't be missed because I contribute nothing of note. If we did not live in the US where you can get by without being socially accepted as long as you have loving parents, I would either be dead or would have stepped up and might actually be a valuable member of society (like between being dead and pushing through my anxiety I would probably choose the latter lol). Interpersonally, I have no redeeming qualities. No I'm not one of those people who says that shit and then lists all the ways they're actually decent but just have low self-esteem, I'm genuinely useless. I'm unreliable when it comes to group projects and my job, usually doing the bare minimum or less than that. When it comes to my work in general, I tend to drop the ball, often waiting till the last minute to get started on it, turning it in late, or simply not turning it in at all. I make promises about the things I will do and then don't do them. I also lack initiative and just follow orders. Socially, I don't have any friends and don't make an effort to try to gain any - I tend to act distant in social interactions and don't join in when people are having group conversations. I'm a talented artist, but the only work I've ever shown others in the last few years has been shoddy, amateurish, and completely unreflective of my abilities, and I've never been complimented for it lol. How do I feel about all this? Pretty freaking bad, yet I make no effort to change. I'm afraid of most things so I avoid them, screwing up my own life and negatively affecting other people's as well. Despite all this, I have this desire to be accepted by someone else as I am. The fact that I accept myself shows that it's possible, I guess (you could argue that I don't have a choice but I definitely chose to be okay with myself after years of self-loathing). I have a shit-ton of flaws and nothing to really offset them - I mean I'm self-aware but I think self-awareness is completely useless if you don't do anything about what you've observed in yourself, and less self-aware people are able to take more risks - and I just have this fantasy of someone showing up and looking at all that I am and being like "you have contributed literally nothing to society and you have no redeeming qualities but I accept you as you are and love you, for no reason other than I just do." But based on the comics I've read this can only happen if you're childhood friends who've known each other for a long time lol. No reason someone's gonna want to be friends with some random person who leaves a poor first impression and doesn't do anything to further the relationship. The plus side of this is that I have a /lot/ of room for growth, lots of things to change that could make me a better person. The negative side is that it is still just as hard to not be avoidant af as it was yesterday

If you have been thinking about looking into therapy but you haven't yet, what's holding you back? Maybe the support of the community can help you take that step to feeling better!

I never heard about people with OCD who have messy living conditions. Maybe this is why it took so long to accept my diagnosis. Although I really dont like how OCD is percieved at by the majority of people, I feel like Im weird or something because I dont fit into that stereotype. I understand that a lot of people with OCD have this issue, but why do I feel so different? If anybody else has/had this belief, what helps with feeling more comfortable? Everytime my mom points out my room, and how its messy- Its like I feel so lazy and useless. So then I often plan out everything I was going to do, step by step, always having a reasoning behind everything, because logic always comforts me. When I start tidying up my room, I go full out (Sheets, Laundry, Clorox, Candles, Vaccuming, Then I start going through the guinea pigs cage to rearranging all of their stuff) Yet always somewhere after doing a few things, I start feeling disgusting and almost shameful of myself. 99% of the time I end up laying on my floor sobbing, noting every little thing about my room. How my furiniture doesnt match, how i would rather have solid floor like hardwood or vinyl instead of the carpet, usually things i cant change… and then barely anything gets done in my room. I start to have a meltdown and often dont take care of myself even more afterwards. A piece of me feels like my thoughts are just me being a spoiled brat and wanting everything i dont have- meanwhile others dont even have a roof over their head. The other piece of me is just tired, just emotionally exaughsted. Please comment any thoughts or recomendations to maybe improve motovation and attitude towards doing long tasks.