Was I just a ticking time bomb?

Some say the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. In my past I've always been very sensitive, dramatic, distressed and easy to anger. But I never thought of hurting or murdering anyone until my harm OCD came on February 2, 1995. Now my entire life has been defined by these morbid, intrusive thoughts. ANd I'm still sensitive, dramatic, distressed and easy to anger. It's hard to maintain a grip on reality anymore. It's hard to know what to do. I have nowhere to go. I have no shelter. I'm 47 and the past year has just destroyed me. I wonder if I ever loved anyone? There is just a blankness when I try to ascertain that. I wonder if I was always just a time bomb waiting to go off.

Steven55!

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Mike, my heart goes out to you, brother. You are not a murderer, you have OCD. Psychotics don't feel the pain and angst you're feeling. You're on the OCD treadmill. Believe me, I've been there. This has nothing to do with any of your traits, such as sensitivity, etc. If it did, there would be a whole lot more murderers in the world. You need to make a decision that you want to be well, and then find a trained OCD therapist who specializes in ERP therapy, the gold standard for OCD. You can be completely honest with an OCD therapist. Believe me, they've heard it all before. I've dealt with harm OCD and several OCD variations for most of my life, and it wasn't until I found a trained OCD therapist did I begin to recover. It takes time, but it's doable. I'm a prime example and there are many more on this community page. Why not contact NOCD for a free consultation and go from there. It can't hurt. They changed my life.

Mike1975

Date posted: 2y

There are zero therapists here in my area that specialize in OCD. And none of them take my insurance. I've tried teletherapy and no one takes my insurance either. There is one- one-therapist whose office is 50 miles from me. She specializes in "anxiety", but has a 3 month wait list. It's more than just me wanting to get better, it's about me having access too.

Steven55!

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Mike1975 - Have you checked with NOCD to see if they take your insurance?

Mike1975

Date posted: 2y

@Steven55! - well, I hate tele-health. but they don't take my insurance anyway.

Lavender.

Date posted: 2y

On February 2, 1995, you had a violent intrusive thought. Some people would just brush it off, others would even entertain the thought for a short while, but you, Mike, have OCD. I don't know if it was your first theme, but you certainly had a predisposition to this and this silly thought awakened your OCD. It sent you down a spiral. Everyone has every kind of thought. We are weird and complex. I imagine you use your phone every day. Can you imagine all the germs there? Do you care? Are you going to get alcohol, a wipe, and scrub it for 10 minutes right now? Now imagine if you were obsessed about being contaminated and this is the only thing you can think about in your every awaking hour. This is the same thing that happens with you, but you have another theme. When you're deep in a spiral, you cant see a way out. I feel like this all the time. It feels like Im living a lie, it's painful, I feel like a fraud. It makes me avoid situations, places, people. Sometimes I'll notice someone looking at me and I get embarrassed because I often am staring at nothing, just ruminating, stuck in my own head. Someone will talk to me and I zone out bc I need to get to the bottom of this right now. My memory is sh*t bc often I'm not concerned with anything but my OCD. I hear something and I'm immediately triggered. And I even doubt my OCD, because what if I'm just using it as an excuse? But this isn't reasonable. OCD will change your perception of reality, it'll make you feel guilty, ashamed, depressed, it'll make you angry. It'll absolutely destroy someone's happiness and peace if there's no intervention.

Steven55!

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

You can access the International OCD Foundation site and check the OCD therapists in your area. Maybe that will help.

Mike1975

Date posted: 2y

Been there, done that. It's fruitless. But thanks.

samlovesjesus

Date posted: 22w

how do i know if i have OCD?

so this all started not too long ago, for literally no reason at all. but one day i got a random intrusive thought about harming others and it freaked me out bad. since then i’ve been non stop focusing on it and im genuinely scared that i am, or gonna end up like those sick people that have documentaries about them. i’ve never had these types of thoughts before and after me and my mom looked a lot of stuff up we think i have OCD cuz a lot of the stuff it was saying was accurate to me. to anyone in here, does this sound like OCD to you? i’ve always been a nice loving person and these thoughts freak me out so bad and make me feel like i’m a bad gross person. it got to the point i don’t even like looking at myself anymore. i just wanna go back to normal man. another thing to add, when i would explain this to my mom even though i was telling the full truth on how crappy this made me feel it felt like i was lying almost? but i know i wasn’t deep down. i’m just scared that what if i act on something or get in my head too much you know?

Aphid123

Date posted: 22w

Is this even OCD?

Hey so a couple months ago (7-8) I remember being upset at my family member. Like she was talking too much while I was annoyed and remember wanting her to be quiet. I got an intrusive thought like a really bad image of doing something really bad to her, and my hand twitched to the side a little? Like it felt like I was about to?! And I remembered thinking "if I do this, I'll get in trouble". I got up and left to the bathroom and felt horrified! I was thinking "did I want to act out? Did the only reason I didn't act out was because of getting in trouble? If there was no consequences, would have I done it?! Does this mean this whole time I've been using OCD as an excuse?" I remember I couldn't sleep for 3 nights because of how bad the anxiety was, I was crying and I felt very guilty like I should turn myself in to a mental hospital. I couldn't eat for many days or be near her because of that thought and twitch I had! I'm worried it was an impulse or I actually wanted to hurt her. And even to this day I still ruminanate about this. Like last night I couldn't sleep well I kept waking up every two hours and asking myself "am I capable?" I couldn't eat last night. Sometimes I move on from it like I forget that happened but when I remember, I feel distressed about it! I don't want to be an evil person or do bad actions towards anyone! I'm even scared to be angry because of this because I'm scared I have more "chance" of acting out due to anger. Like was it an impulse and I held back? Is this even OCD? Please help, I'm really scared!

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 16w

Triggered from NOCD article

Guys for the past couple of hours ive been spiraling! I wad researching and came across this harm ocd article question that has been worrying me. The title was "im scared of hurting someone when I'm mad. Can i trust myself?" And I was thinking "hey that's what ive been worried about for the past several months!" I even AVOID being angry. Im scared of it bc I get a lot of thoughts and I'm hyperaware of my hands and feel them tingly! Last time i tensed so hard to stay still as possible bc I was so so nervous from my thoughts and my hand twitched which made me SPIRAL. I never want to cause harm! And i always start crying after an argument bc the thoughts are so so scary! Anyway I got afraid bc the article said "research has shown that people with ocd don't struggle with impulse control- so if you find yourself intensely worried you could do harm based on the intrusive thoughts or urges you have, it's likely something else is going on." THAT SENTENCE HAS LEFT ME WITH A TON OF ANXIETY! Its so bad, my appetite is gone! I'm scared does this mean I don't have ocd and should be seriously concerned?!

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Was I just a ticking time bomb?

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