Iโm a 19 year old girl and I have relationship ocd. My bf (20) and I are in college and around 2 days ago he asked for a break via text and then we called after on the phone which was the last time we spoke. Weโve been doing medium/long distance (1-2hrs away from eachother). Iโm his first serious relationship and girl heโs ever loved. Heโs my first healthy relationship and he felt like home to me. We both date to marry and everything with him felt so finalized, as silly as it sounds. Due to life being life we havenโt been able to see eachother the past three ish weeks. During that time he became different, wasnโt as loving as he used to be, and I had to continuously ask him to call me and he only did once or twice for about 15 minutes. Heโs incredibly busy and in a agricultural frat. Unfortunately, he seeks a lot of validation from his frat brothers. Itโs funny too, because I absolutely hate frats since I feel like often, of course not always, but often, all frats are about partying and hookup culture. Thatโs ok, itโs just not my thing as that to me isnโt what I value. With my bf though, I still loved him anyway. My bf was different from the stereotypical frat guy douche. You truly would not guess that him of all people is in one. He has incredibly redeeming qualities - heโs so kind, always tries to do the right thing, is so gentle, hardworking, encouraging, sensitive and sometimes emotionally intelligent lol. Due to this he gets treated differently in the house and the brothers disrespected him constantly. He would literally cry about it in my arms or in his car multiple times. When he was in my arms I was tearing up because it hurt me to see him like that. It broke my heart, but he was always too afraid to speak up for himself. I got pissed so many times and said I will say something for him - Iโd do literally anything for him to make him happy. It became very obvious to me that heโs seeking so much male validation to fit in even though he comes from a great family with two married parents, with his dad being an absolutely amazing person and two older brothers. Hes said so many times that he doesnโt belong at the frat and I agreed and would tell him itโs because he was too good for them. I think heโs changed now though, and he honestly wants to fully submerge himself into this frat. Heโs also taking max credit classes and has a job. Iโve been working to transfer over to the school he is at and as of late Iโve been doing community college, doing therapy with NOCD, going to the gym, and finally getting a car and being able to drive. I find myself that in relationships I let the other persons mood define mine, and I minimize my needs to make them happier. I wish I wasnโt like this and that I was a normal person. I care so deeply about him and want the best for him and I. I think he saw that flaw in me and with the combined stress of us being busy and not seeing eachother, thought it was time for a break. We called after he sent the text and I sobbed and acted a fool on the phone and I was absolutley pissed st first but only because I care. That was our first phone call in a while. He was crying and sobbing and calling me baby and the last thing we said to eachother was I love you, with him initiating that. Not too long after he was quick to take a lot of our posts down and stop sharing his location. So I did the same, and then just deleted all of my social media. I donโt know if he unadded me on anything, I donโt want to know and I donโt want to see his posts. I donโt think he has any idea as to what heโs doing. Iโll never forget when I was his date to one of his frat formals and I spoke to an alumni for a long time. He said to my bf waiting for me while I was in the bathroom โyou got a good girl, take care of herโ. My bf told me after that happened, because it was
sweet, but I donโt think he honestly knew what that man really meant. Because I think if my bf did understand; I wouldnโt have to practically beg him to acknowledge me with a โmaybe we could callโ text for weeks, he wouldโve directly thanked my mom for all the gifts I bought him using her money, he wouldโve actually looked my mom in the eyes when heโs talking to her, he wouldโve made sure that with intimacy my needs were also satisfied - not just his, he wouldnโt have told me what makeup style I should wear and what celebrities/traits he finds attractive in other girls even though Iโve voiced Iโm uncomfortable with it, he wouldโve shown more interest in my hobbies and likes the way I did his, and lastly, he wouldโve been more courteous about my feelings and put his ego aside. I mean Iโd literally watch hour long videos about fucking warhammer even though I thought it was boring. I sent him an educational video about OCD that I donโt think he ever took the time to watch. Which hurts, because he knows itโs something about me that I discovered during our relationship. Meanwhile, while I have stuff to work on like every person ever, I understand that I donโt need to fit into a group to feel complete. Iโve been authentically myself, flawed and all. Iโm not afraid to show my problems to people. I donโt think Iโm better than him because Iโm like this, but I think thatโs where weโre at right now. He hurt me so much and if/when he decides to come back is when I let him. I want him to regret this and for us to work out, but only if thereโs change. He said we should work on ourselves and I agree. Iโm slowly feeling better, but this took so many people by surprise especially his brothers gf who I was incredibly close to. She also has OCD funnily enough, and weโve privately bonded over our bfs just not understanding OCD or going to each other for relationship/self care advice. I donโt know what to do, he was home to me. I love him, but I donโt love his actions and I deserve more. I hope he realizes what heโs missing out on, regrets it, and truly understands my value.
