It just never feels like I'm completely present. There's always something my mind is searching for to blame me so that I never get out of the rut that is this disorder. It feels like I'm never free and I've also noticed that I've just been forgetting things more and that I just don't feel fully alright. I'm really sick of the intrusive thoughts that don't seem to stop at all.
Have you considered reading Kimberley Quinlan’s Self Compassion workbook for OCD? I think it’ll help you be able be kinder to yourself like you said you want
No I haven't, but I think books will help me get better. Thanks for the recommendation, I appreciate that.
@taurising Great book for ocd . Self compassion is key .
@KAC2023 I'm definitely planning on buying it because I'm sick of going day by day just not having any confidence or positive thoughts with myself
I'm so sorry you feel this way. I 100% understand. Some days I feel completely broken and like I'll never get out of this world of OCD. It's okay to feel exhausted.
All I can really do right now is hope that this summer I'll get the therapy I need. Right now, I just can't really enjoy anything without it feeling weird. Without getting intrusive thoughts about it of some kind. I just feel bad about almost everything that I do or think about because I feel like it always ends badly.
i feel the same way. sending strength :(
I'm sorry you both feel this way too, I just wish it would stop
Medication is a huge help for me. Have you ever tried any?
Might have to when I start therapy
@BigGip09 I get into depressive episodes and it really worsens my OCD to the point where ERP will calm me by end of day but I'll wake up the next with full blown panic. It is a game changer and it makes ERP much easier. You may not even need it the rest of your life.
@Asdfjklz I'm not confident in myself to do ERP on my own. I want to do it with a future therapist. All I want is to somehow be kinder to myself, be happier, and not be hard on myself for regrettable things, makes, or bad things that have happened in my life
@BigGip09 That's fine, a therapist should be there for those who are learning. I still make plenty of mistakes, so it is easy to do wrong. Trust me. I've leveled with non-OCD folk, you'd be surprised how common our mistakes are. You will learn to accept your humanity in time, therapist will be great for that too. Rooting for you!
@Asdfjklz Well, what I'm beating myself up over isn't really that big of a deal to other people. I know it isn't a problem for me but I still do it anyway. Another one involves POCD but really it's just the OCD trying to make it seem like I wanted to do something really bad even if I stopped myself from doing it. I just want to be kinder to myself, that's all. I'm sick of these thoughts constantly disrupting my life. It feels like I'm not in the present and I just can't seem to get it together.
@BigGip09 And that's okay. This is hard. This isn't your fault and you're human just like the rest of us. You've been given a burden most people will never feel and it's okay to have a hard time with it. Being human is difficult too, we all make mistakes but all you can do is be your genuine self and make the world better despite what OCD tells you. I know you may not be ready but we're right here alongside you in your healing journey, just please keep going. This is my third big relapse and I finally got time to start taking care of this again. I promise you, it is worth taking the hard path to fix this.
Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.
I'm really frustrated right now because once again I feel like I can't keep up with my own brain and I just can't keep doing this. I'm so tired of doing this. My head is always going and going and going and I just want to unplug it. It makes me so stressed. It's like I have someone else in my head who won't shut up and is always pointing everything I do out. Like I'm walking on eggshells around myself so I don't trigger these thoughts. But if I walk on egg shells then it just goes on about something else and I feel like I'm going crazy.. I feel so bad because it makes me so snappy. I want to bash my head in because I'm so over it. The only thing I know that helps is anxiety meds, because I had one one time and it actually really helped me (it didn't even do it's job! Because of how bad my anxiety is!! I'm just so desperate at this point for relief) But the last time I brought up going on meds for anxiety with my mom she said I'll get addicted, like my dad, or my grandma, or whoever else in my family because everyone in my family is addicted to SOMETHING. I don't see the issue in trying though. I feel like I'm someone who could really benefit from anxiety meds. I don't talk about my feelings often BECAUSE of anxiety, so it seems like I'm just trying to go on meds for no reason. But it's like..my body hurts. All the time. And my brain never stops. My brain is so messed up. I feel like I could do so much more if I wasn't like this. It's never going away, I've tried and I've tried and I'm still a mess. I just want it to stop. I'm not asking for much. I just want the fear to stop and the intrusive thoughts to stop and the racing thoughts and the feelings of doom and the nervousness and and I actually want to feel okay in my own skin for fucking once. I've tried everything nothing works im losing patience and I'm losing hope. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel like my brain is broken and that makes me sad to be honest. I feel like everyone around me can work. Why can't my stupid brain work???? I try so hard. I try so hard all the time. And it still doesn't do what it needs to do. I hate myself so much.
I know I keep talking about This but I’m too tired :( I’m really struggling and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I might be the only person who experiences this in the way I do. It’s gotten so bad that during intimacy or self-pleasure, I feel like I’m acting on a thought — like my body is moving because of it. It’s terrifying and deeply hurtful. The moment it happens, I immediately panic, try to rewind everything in my head, and ruminate to figure out what I was thinking at that exact second… but I can never remember. That makes it even worse. feel so lost and hopeless, like I’ll never be able to heal or move on from this. People tell me “it’s just OCD,” but it doesn’t feel like OCD to me. It feels like I’m the exception — like no one else truly experiences it like this, especially the part where it feels like I physically responded to a thought. I know people say “others go through this too,” but my mind keeps saying, “not like this, not this specific thing.”Sometimes I just wish I could go back and relive those moments so I could be sure what happened, but I know that’s not possible. I feel so stuck in guilt and doubt that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m scared I’m a bad person and that I’ll always feel this way. I’ll never be free or be the same again everyday I live with deep depression
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