4 days till my birthday…

Since friends and family are going to be busy im probably gonna be spending it alone… i truly truly dont think that anyone cares about me… especially on here… people will tell me on here that im probably being overdramatic or just tell me not to post at all or just think im being mean… but for a long time, this place is the only place where i can actually talk about the extent about my ocd without people assuming its a cleaning thing, or thinking I have serious issues… the reason why i post my stories is cause i feel triggered, guilty, anxious, and always just hurt inside… and it doesnt help feeling alone… ive thought of deleting myself a few times in my life… but these past three years have been the most amount of times i thought about it… i see everyone help each other… take care of each other… and then i look at myself and say when will it be my turn to be happy… and then i realize i have none of that… college debt is coming after i graduate… my friends and family are too busy to care about me… which i cant blame them… and i just feel like Im not doing anything in the world other than… just annoying or making people angry with my existence… whether its on here or somewhere else… Im never going to be happy… I want to accept the fact that this will all be over soon… but it wont… cause this will never end for me… so… happy birthday to me… cheers to all of the people who have blocked me on here and cheers to myself, who i hate every single day for this mental illness… cheers to all of the people who hate me and despise me… whether it be on here or RL… and cheers to god… wherever he id…

McDucko

Date posted: 2y

I've seen plenty of people on here express their concern and try to help you by giving you advice. I don't understand why you don't take it. It is okay to feel awful and to post to let others know you're having a hard time. It's even okay to let others know you're having a hard time following the healing process, but it is absolutely not okay to say you want to get better and spend as long as you have posting the same compulsions over and over. You have been warned many times that it will only push you further into a spiral but you keep doing it. I'm not trying to be mean, but I've been stuck in episodes like this along with everyone else on this platform. You cannot beg for an easy solution while everyone else on here doing the hard work to get better. That is not how our disorder works nor how it will ever be cured. I'm pretty sure you joined this platform the same times as me and I've had three relapses since then. I have treated them each time by listening to my support team and by listening and following the advice of the people in this community. I have gotten better each time and I will recover from this relapse. This is why you cannot take their concern for granted. People on here do want you to get better, but when you don't make an effort and do the same thing over and over it's a huge slap in the face to those who care for fellow sufferers. Maybe you don't know how to go about getting help or are so fear-struck that you're not sure you can do anything, but you need to do something that will work, and you should have your next move planned by your birthday. Find a therapist here or on IOCDF. Even if you cannot afford a therapist get a psychiatrist, get on a good anti-obsessive agents, and work on your ERP on your own. Just don't keep doing this for another year of your life.

ocd_junkie

Date posted: 2y

@Asdfjklz first off, happy early birthday man. second, i’m gonna go ahead and agree with this person…as sufferers, we know how bad OCD can be. we know how horrible it can make a person feel. we know that it can be absolutely debilitating. however, despite our hardships, we live and we learn — we can learn the tools to get better. OCD doesn’t have to be a life sentence. i know what it’s like to feel like you don’t even DESERVE to get better…but you’ve gotta do it anyway. you have to do it. you have to live your life. there will be hard days, and there will be good days, but such is the nature of life on this Earth. on behalf of all of us, i’m telling you we support you. we want to see you improve. that being said, i know therapy is expensive. it really sucks. if you do have access to therapy (whether through NOCD or a specialist near you), i would recommend getting started as soon as you can. if therapy is not an option right now, i encourage you to watch Nathan Peterson’s videos on YouTube. they’re not a replacement for therapy, but he does give good advice/tools to help. on his website, you can sign up to do ERP from home, with your own exposure plans, activities, and homework. it’s not free but it’s not terribly expensive. i highly recommend checking out these options…we’re pulling for you dude. we really are. but it’s time now. OCD won’t go away on its own, it’s up to us to take it down. please — believe in yourself. trust the process. do hard things. it won’t always be easy but it will be worth it. if you’re needing help throughout the process, we’re here to encourage you and cheer you on. as someone who was on death’s door just a couple of months ago, trust me, it’s worth it.

Sunrise22

Date posted: 2y

As my two cents, you seem depressed as well. I don’t think this is you talking, I think it’s depression. Please consider reaching out for help with both OCD symptoms and those of depression. You deserve to feel better and have a fulfilling life.

McDucko

Date posted: 2y

Yes, depression really opens anither whole can of worms with OCD. Good call.

ocd_junkie

Date posted: 2y

would like to add that the people on here give FANTASTIC book recs. reading these books can supplement therapy or other treatment you are receiving. i recommend checking out jonathan grayson’s book called “freedom from obsessive-compulsive disorder: a personalized recovery program for living with uncertainty”. my therapist recommended this to me, and it’s great. i’m pulling for you. keep going

McDucko

Date posted: 2y

I have this book too and I recommend it to everyone. Great resource.

Sunrise22

Date posted: 2y

@ocd_junkie I second the recommendation. That, Brain Lock, and Imp of the Mind I remember being particularly helpful to me in the past

HonestJerry

Date posted: 2y

Happy birthday from someone, new to you, who truly cares!!

4ever4given

Date posted: 2y

Its good that you post your stories because it helps provide insight and support👍

shirleyCstar

Date posted: 25w

Advice and Unbiased Opinions Please!!!

This isn’t OCD related so I’m sorry, but I don’t know another platform like this where I can talk to other people and actually get responses. OCD has been a huge fucking setback for me in life. I had to drop classes, wasn’t able to do things, and just felt so shitty all the time because of it. I feel like I blame OCD for everything I’m not. I constantly feel like I’m not good enough. Just today I saw someone I once knew and felt all of those feelings I used to have that made me miserable. Anyways, I tried taking my driver’s test a couple days ago but I wasn’t able to. The DMV only accepted cash. I felt upset but it was whatever. I’m almost 19, and I don’t have a driver’s license. So passing it would mean a lot to me. I compare myself to others my age; they have cars, hobbies, friends, go to college, etc… I don’t have any of that. Maybe comparing myself and all of that is my fault. My family says it’s my fault I’m sad because I just wallow in it. Hearing them say that makes me frustrated and hurt, but maybe they’re right. My mom texted a couple of my siblings in a group chat I wasn’t a part of, “He wants to wallow and be depressed. And woe is me, wah wah wah.” That made me really angry because my siblings were agreeing with her. Maybe they are right. Maybe I am selfish and think the world revolves around me. My sister tells me I need to advocate for myself more, I just don’t want to be a burden. I’ve only been a burden my whole life. My OCD created this whole issue in my family and I hate that. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want an answer. Am I really a loser? Do I really wallow in it? Am I not trying like my family says? I just want to talk to someone.

bdads27

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22w

happy birthday to me: reflecting

it’s my birthday tmrw and i’ve been reflecting a lot about what 21 has meant for me and what 22 looks like ahead. this past week has been reflective and restoritive for me. my partner and i took a week long break and came back feeling better. i realized i have t been showing up for myself and occupying my mind or time with anything else but worry or guilt or shame about my relationship or my rocd. my relationship is switching from a more college-esque style of you will, where we have flexibility to see eachother whenever and we can just play plans by ere, and now we want our time to be more structured because we’re transitioning to full time roles or for me, graduating college. any advice is always appreciated. i realized that ive always wanted more independence in my relationship, but i always thought that it was a bad thing. but i realize now it’s just who i am. though this new ability to figure out myself and what i like and want is scary and discomforting because of my attachment style, ultimately i feel that it will be for the better. this past week ive been having visions and getting scared of loosing her and breaking up. songs have been hitting differently, things felt real. but i was finally able to see through the fog of ofc and my anxiety and understand what causes it. i realized i really want this relationship and that it was unfair to my partner for me to stop doing the work and for me to not show up as my best self. it was unfair for me to be caught up and feel ashamed for at one point for not being sure if i was committed or in love, to know i am and still feeling scared and ashamed. i didn’t allow or open up to deeper more profound connection. some people say that’s effortless to a certain extent and should t require anything and its natural and that’s true to a certain extent because ROCD is a beast for those with trauma and relationships or abuse. i often question myself and everything i do and feel. i have bits of magical thinking hoping for just one second i can tell myself that things will work out and ill be okay. i saw photos of myself the other day from middle school and i realized for my entire life i havent liked myself because no one told the girl who was just trying to fit in that she was cool enough or just worthy. well i see that now-she always was. my partner told me one of the biggest reason why she loves me the other day during our talk was because i know who i am and im confident. and i agree with her, ive just lost myself to ocd for so long and im finally getting myself back. things aren’t as bad as i think they are. in fact my world is full of love and so am i. i still feel anxious but i feel it grow smaller and the thoughts become more manageable as i reconnect with my perspective. i don’t need to focus on the future or marriage or anything that tells me ill have other people. the right people have stayed and will and no matter what, i always have me. 21 has been the most profound year yet, and im ready to step into 22. ready to commit to truly being in love. with myself, truly loving my partner and truly being grateful and accepting of what comes my way. i think im going to be okay and i think we will all be too. happy birthday to me🪷💗

SugarCookiessᰔ

Date posted: 9w

To anyone who cares

I’m really depressed and lately life has been really really bad. Everyday, it’s like something horrible happens and my mind tries to make me forget it. My family life isn’t that great and everything is super tough for me. It’s like when I get better I go like a million steps back. I ended up doing something bad today:ended up becoming aggressive to myself and caused some ouchies) it hurt a lot and right now I’m really stressed and have been for a while. My mental well being has been extremely bad these days. I have obsessive compulsive disorder but for me it’s decently strong so it’s hard to contain, Complex-trauma, depression, and possibly ADHD. It’s an awful mix. My life is a living hell everyday. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep lying to myself to Myself that I’m getting better when in reality I’m in so much pain, it’s like I’m barely doing anything at all. Please, help, I’ve been acting not like myself. I want to live, even though it’s extremely difficult too and I rather much not be here, but people are counting on me and I don’t want to fail them. How can I convince myself to stay a little longer when I am fully burnt out from trying to get better? I’m in so much pain. I don’t know how to even deal with it. I’m so lost, I might lose it more, and I’m scared for myself. I feel like I don’t even deserve help. I’m so mentally unwell I can’t even think correctly. I hate everything and just want to sleep forever and ever. I’m so numb to it all. I don’t feel anything anymore.

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