ROCD and Meta Ocd struggles

Picture of me and my boyfriend for reference. I feel like I’m having a big back door spike these last few days, yesterday being the worst point. Now I’m just tired and I can still feel myself ruminating which is my biggest compulsion. My ocd is latching on to EVERY tiny little detail and flaw and searching for any negatives in my relationship and turning them into something huge. Causing me to have those “maybe I’m in denial” thoughts again. “Do I want to break up? Why am I still having these thoughts, I love him I want to marry him why won’t this go away” Are back door spikes possible all throughout recovery? Even if it’s over a year after you were diagnosed? I know recovery isn’t linear but Sometimes I worry that it’s a bad thing that these symptoms come and go like the way they are right now. I’m on medication which helps, I haven’t seen my therapist in MONTHS and I’m pretty sure she left NOCD. I’ve been managing my ocd myself but doing less and less ERP. Now I feel like I’m back peddling because I’ve been ruminating about my relationship for like three whole days straight and it’s exhausting.

sophiee

Date posted: 2y

Im here if you need anything! I struggle with ROCD myself and it’s exhausting, but I would do anything for my bf!

Dj-is-living

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@sophiee Thank you! I have been with my boyfriend for almost six years. ROCD didn’t show its ugly face until last summer, so it’s coming up on that year mark since I received treatment and a diagnoses. I have ups and downs with it and other subtypes but ROCD is probably the hardest one because my relationship means the most to me. I want to be a wife and a mother and I want to be with him always. OCD just picks apart everything and strives for PERFECTION. It constantly doubts if I’m happy or if I’d be happy with someone else or if he’s the one and I can’t stand it. My biggest fear is losing him and my dog and the little family we’ve created.

sophiee

Date posted: 2y

@Dj-is-trying Absolutely!! I completely understand that! If you ever need a safe space to come to, you can always DM me!

Will86

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Sounds like you got the skills to handle this they just maybe dusty. Use what you were taught. :) No good news on the backdoor spikes question cause yeah my understanding is they'll always be possible that's why we keep practicing (exapsures) so that when we have them we can disarm them easier.

Dj-is-living

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Will86 Yeah that’s probably it, I haven’t done exposures like I used to, I did them every single day, and tracked them. But for the last couple of months I’ve felt like I have not needed to. Boy oh boy now I need to.

Will86

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Dj-is-trying Daily probably isn't needed if you're below clinical or even just lower but I would say keep some regularity in refreshing your skills. I have started my "handle this shit" reference guide. I guess it be similar to you tracking but mine is where I keep track of the skills I was taught or learn along the way and how I used them and success rate.

Dj-is-living

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Will86 Yeah I definitely feel like I’m slacking in the handle my shit department. All of the advice I give people just like me has disappeared from my brain cause I’ll just be sitting here letting my thoughts get to me, and I’m like damn dude acknowledge the thought and let it go.

Will86

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Dj-is-trying Yea I've been there! That's why I started my notebook

Redyroo

Date posted: 2y

I’ve also been with my partner 6 years and had ROCD for 6 years. It sucks big time and I know how awful it is to go through so i’m also here if you need

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