I made things so much worse

I'm really trying but I just can't. If I had done the things you said it wouldn't be able to forgive myself and I think my life would just be over. I keep reading up on other people that have done this and they have no guilt and I just have so much guilt based on what people would think of me and how I think of myself already. I just tried to tell myself that I thought it would be more easier than the toilet because at the time my hands were wet and there were clothes on the toilet cover. I could've just dried my hands and held in it but I guess I just went with that option because it was easier. I just can't shake the guilt and regret

@BigGip09 I think you should stop ruminating on it. It’s in the past, you can’t change it. Continuing to think about it is just causing you endless strife and not actually solving any problems. You don’t need to explain yourself, and you don’t need to spend any more time on this.

@JazzCrab I've arguably done worse than this in the past yet I'm just fixated on it. I'm really trying to just let it go but I can't. I just can't. Personally, if someone did that in a place I was staying I wouldn't be bothered with it unless they make a good enough effort to clean the area they used it. I'd be very disgusted only if it was left unclean or unflushed. I don't know how to move on from this, even if it's not a big deal. I know it isn't but the guilt and regret is always here Do you think I'm gross for this?

@BigGip09 Not gross for this. The way to move on is label the level of guilt as ocd and forgive yourself. You could try this: https://www.shalanicely.com/aha-moments/erp-scripting-for-ocd/ Doing it with maybe I’m a bad person for peeing in the sink maybe not.

@Erin P Hi, Erin. I'm sorry you had to see this and so many of my posts where's I'm not doing well. You've always been helpful with sharing links that are helpful to me and others. I thank you for that. I need to try ERP myself. I don't know what's the right way of doing it but I have to try somewhere. How long with it take for it to go away? How long do I have to keep saying that to myself?

@BigGip09 That’s why we are all here BigGip09 - to share and help each other. Glad to hear you are going to try the erp. It’s different for everyone and each situation. Sometimes once works and other times you have to do it a bunch of times for several days.

@Erin P I just hope that this isn't a big deal as I think it is. Because I said to JazzCrab, I wouldn't be bothered if someone else did that and cleaned up after themselves just like you would for the toilet or the tub. I'm getting exhaustion from constantly thinking about it but I hope the ERP stops it. I also don't prefer to use the sink over the toilet by any means but other people do. I don't find them gross though

@BigGip09 I think you should try to offer yourself the same compassion you’d offer to someone else in this case. ERP I think will be really helpful, you just have to keep a really open mind to what your therapist suggests.

@BigGip09 Erp will be hard but will help you to have the thoughts bother you less after initially being harder

@JazzCrab I really want to get my therapist soon but it won't be until a month I think.

@Erin P I really hope this will help. Thank you so much. I really hope this link will help me. Is there a way I should start this specifically in this case?

@BigGip09 Read the info on the link then target the concern with the script - I would do it about whether you are bad person for peeing in a sink - maybe maybe not

@Erin P Okay. It also targets my addiction and my actions deep in the past. I want to ask if I'm a bad person for doing this but I know that I'm not and I know that would only be feeding the reassurance

@BigGip09 Maybe maybe not is different from reassurance - I would only do it for the peeing issue and see how that goes then decide if it’s a good tool for your other concerns

@Erin P Okay. I just hate that I beat myself up over it while other people do it and have no problem with it

@BigGip09 Yes ocd is a bully

@Erin P What if I just tell myself "yes, I peed in the sink and I'm a terrible person"?

@BigGip09 I did this in my head and it sort of helped me get clarity

@BigGip09 You may get farther with I peed in the sink and maybe I’m a terrible person, maybe not as this deals with accepting the uncertainty that ocd thrives on - like accepting fear, accepting uncertainty fights it

@Erin P Okay. So deep down I believe what everyone's told me and I know my personal opinion on it, but that won't be enough. I just have to accept the uncertainty. "I peed in the sink before and did it again and maybe I'm a terrible gross person that didn't deserve forgiveness, or maybe I'm not and do deserve compassion. Maybe, maybe not

@BigGip09 Sounds good. I hope it works well. It will be really hard the first few times you do it and really try to feel it, but it should help.

@BigGip09 Trying to convince yourself feeds the ocd, focus on maybe maybe not for better results. For some out loud is better - try it and see if it is for you.

@Erin P I did it once before but I can probably do it again. It scares me though. On the way home today I was kinda able to see that it was my anxiety changing how I was think and that I wouldn't be bothered by this if someone else did it as long as it was cleaned up. It comes and goes.

@BigGip09 Scary though it might be it is better than continuing to think about it and unsuccessfully trying to convince yourself it’s okay when the ocd won’t let you get closure

@Erin P You're right. It's been calm lately but I've been physically feeling drained. I'm always feeling exhausted with no room to move really. I know that it wasn't that big a deal, but as you said the OCD won't let me have that peace. Right now I'm just saying maybe maybe not to myself

@BigGip09 You got this - keep doing maybe maybe not on whether you should feel bad about peeing in the sink - for me it can take doing the specific maybe maybe not for the theme a number of times - with breaks between- but the ocd backs off with doing it versus continuing to be a worry look

@Erin P What if I don't feel anything when I do it? The goal of ERP is to feel the anxiety so if I don't, I'm not doing it wrong, am I?

@BigGip09 Try changing what you are saying with the maybe maybe not - to match exactly what ocd has you worrying about - is it about being a bad person, or contaminating the sink, or something else? If it doesn’t make you feel anxious then stop and see what thoughts ocd tries to get you on - and then do it based on that or see if you’ve done enough that the ocd thoughts just aren’t as strong and you can ignore them now

@Erin P It's what people will think of me, contaminating the sink, and if people could get hurt from this. Even though I was told urine can't infect or kill anyone

@BigGip09 So the maybe maybe not could be “people might or might not think that I contaminated the sink” and “people may or may not get sick from my peeing in the sink” do the easier one first and once that doesn’t bother you do the other one 🍀

@Erin P Well, I don't think the sink can be contaminated by urine. Other people have peed in the sink and they're not only okay with it, I haven't heard anyone die from pee before. I'll just stick to the one that involves what people would think of me.

@BigGip09 Do what works for you

@Erin P How's this sound: "I urinated in the sink in the past and I did it again a couple days ago because I thought it would be more convenient than using the toilet because I had clothes covering the toilet, my hands were wet, and I got the urge and I was okay with it in the past and nothing came of it. What if people I know would find me disgusting, awful, terrible, and wouldn't want to associate with me? Maybe they will or maybe they won't."

@BigGip09 Like you I’m just another sufferer, but try it and see if it doesn’t work try shortening it since some of this is reassurance and engaging the ocd.

@Erin P I'll just leave it with "maybe they will think I'm horrible, disgusting, and awful and unapproachable, maybe they won't" just whatever it tells me. Though I feel a lot more guilt because of an outside trigger, I'll keep doing it.

@BigGip09 You got this