No peace

I also can't ever just have a day or time to myself. If I have any "downtime", my brain will constantly guilt me into thinking I am unproductive. I have recently taken on embroidery, so I can occupy my hands, but even doing that, my brain will not register as "productive" since I am just sitting and watching a show while doing the embroidery. It's as if my brain will mark anything that isn't a paying job or something that has some connection to a paying job or career, as a waste of time. I probably haven't felt peace doing nothing since high school and I am almost 29 now.

Teddybear10001

Date posted: 2y

Oh I had something VERY similar (if not the same) back when Covid first hit! I’m not a therapist by any means so I’m not sure if this will help. But as someone who has experienced OCD for various things in the past, here is what I would say. Just as I finished high school with a very rigorous academic program, I would feel so guilty if I wasn’t productive! I would get quite anxious and my OCD was latching on again. I guess I was so used to hustling all the time and there was a fear deep down that OCD could latch on. Honestly, I find that all of my OCD “episodes” begin with a fear- I think they do for most of not all of us. If I’m afraid of something, it latches on and makes a big deal out of every little thing. So during this time of distress, I tried to figure out WHY I’m afraid? So i asked myself “what’s so wrong with being unproductive”? I didn’t have an answer immediately but I soon realized that I was afraid of being someone who I didn’t want to be. Yet, I soon realized (and I wished someone told me this earlier) that we all NEED to have times of unproductively. Why do we have weekends off? Why do we summer breaks and vacations? Why do we have certain hours off in a day? It’s because all humans NEED to have unproductive times. If I want to watch Netflix for an entire day, it doesn’t make me anything other than human. It doesn’t say ANYTHING about who I am as a person, my potential, my academic skills, nothing. I know sometimes it feels like productivity is the goal, but to be honest, my goal is to be HAPPY. I hope yours is that too! I think yourself and I are lucky to be ABLE to be productive when we want to-but we need to be able to switch if off JUST as well! Otherwise we will find ourselves burned out and it’s not healthy at all. Now, I know that I need to be JUST as persistent as OCD is with ME!! every time OCD comes in with a fear of being unproductive, I stood up and PURPOSELY became unproductive! “I’ll show you, OCD!” It felt hard at first (it really did) but my constant fight for self-control eventually won and I know you will get there too. Just remember, you are fighting for YOU- your happiness, your self- control, your desires and your wellbeing. I sat in the discomfort of being unproductive for a while but eventually, it felt so good. I felt like I had a choice! I can be productive when I WANT and I can chill and lay in bed all day, whenever I want and need to. It doesn’t make me anything other than an adult who is balanced and responsible for her well-being! Honestly, take some time and reflect on your MANY incredible attributes- you are SO much more than productivity. I know you can do this!!! Hope this helps- but again, take it with a grain of salt because i can only speak of my experiences as a fellow OCD crusher!!!! ❤️

Reggie0205

Date posted: 2y

I struggle with this intrusive thought everyday. I think it is the reason I decided to go back to university for graduate studies. Based off of what you said, you could try a more active hobby or one that makes you travel. Then it may feel more like you are being productive by actively moving your body vs. a sedentary activity. Sometimes doing a small chore and then relaxing can also help as well, but that may also feed into the intrusive thought. Hope that this is helpful for you.

Anonymous

Date posted: 24w

Anxiety about spending money

I had a few gift cards for Joann fabrics saved up from when I was in highschool, it was at least 150$ worth of Joanns gift cards. But I always feel a lot of guilt and anxiety surrounding spending money and I never used them, I always felt like I hadn’t earned it. About a month ago or so, I talked with my therapist about spending them online as an exposure. I added a bunch of things to my cart and then at the last minute, I closed out of the page and didn’t go through with it. I felt so anxious about choosing the wrong things, and so guilty about how wasteful and frivolous it is to buy new things for fun. I always feel guilty buying new things because the system is so unethical, and also because I feel like I haven’t earned them. I think about all the things I still need to do and how irresponsible I have been, and how spoiled I must be that I think I deserve all these shiny new things because I want them while other people are homeless or struggling just to eat. I always think about how I should spend my money donating to better causes because there are people who need it more than me, but I also never feel like I can donate anywhere because I get worried about how much to donate and wether I’m a bad person for not giving enough. Well anyway, Joann fabrics is going out of business now. So I finally went in person to spend them, but it turns out they no longer accept gift cards due to the store going bankrupt. I know it sounds silly, and it’s just a silly craft store and ultimately in the grand scheme of life it is not a big deal, but I feel so disappointed that I wasn’t able to follow through with the goal I had set before. I always thought I would save them for a special time when I had earned them, but that time never came, there is not some magical occasion where I feel like I have finally earned my own permission. It’s just a cycle of refusing to reward myself because I always feel like I haven’t earned it. I’m not sure exactly where I’m going with this, I haven’t posted on here before because I always talk myself out of it but the whole thing just got me thinking. I don’t wanna spend my life waiting until I have done enough good deeds and cleared my moral slate enough that I have earned the right to live my life, that time never comes. It just really hit me today

bokang

Date posted: 18w

I miss my weekends...

I'm wondering if this is a common OCD experience: does anyone else find that when you have idle time, your mind just spirals into endless rumination on negative "what ifs" & intrusive thoughts? It's been happening to me for the past three years, which coincides with starting a really high-stress job. Weekends used to be my time to relax, but now I dread weekends...I only feel relief when I'm sleeping because it's the only time my mind seems to quiet down. It's honestly so depressing to lose that enjoyment. Does anyone else relate to this, and if so, what helps you cope?

Gmoki

Date posted: 12w

How to be alone with your thoughts besides ERP?

Hi - just for some context, I have OCD and ADHD. I hate bringing this up, but with these diagnoses, when intertwined, there is ALWAYS a thought. I never stop thinking. This is really hard, especially because I feel like I always need to be talking to someone. Whether it’s my friends or family, talking to people brings me down to earth from certain kinds of thought spirals. However, when I’m alone it is the hardest. When my friends don’t reply I have this compulsion to text again or I need to constantly check my notifications so that I have none left to check. But then to them or new people I talk to, this behavior probably comes across as overwhelming or too much. I’m trying to control it and use erp, but also, I have my moments where I’m just vunerable and give into the compulsion. It’s genuinely so embarassing and maybe not as big a deal as I’m making it out to be but, how do I manage? And how do I relax?

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