My current issue that Racism OCD is giving me

God it's genuinely the worst thing ever. Even tho it's bad to do this I can easily dispute racist tendencies and takes, so I do that in my mind. It's like having Pierce Hawthorne from Community in my brain where I can easily go "Shut up Pierce" The issue tho for some reason. I begin to get mini panic attacks noticing people of color now. It originally was because ofc I was scared of being racist and it was trying to trick me into being afraid of them. But now something's changed. While obviously I can tell myself ik I'm not racist and not do racist things, The thoughts and feelings keep trying to tell me the most racist things. Another thing when I first learned I had it was that my compulsion was watching and making sure I like posts of POC. Obviously there's nothing inherently wrong ig with doing this but it does eventually border the line of tokenism for the soul ig, and that's not how people want to be represented. For some reason it feels like I'm doing it simply to feel better about myself, which maybe isn't inherently bad now that I think about it. I genuinely always wanna make sure people be heard. But now, I can't tell when I have a preference or not. Like whenever I want to click on a video with a POC, I'm asking myself, am I doing this as a compulsion, or because I genuinely would like this content. I tried to stop doing compulsions to maybe make some exposures but I can't tell anymore. Obviously my apologies to minority communities my brain won't shut up and it's twisting my heart and I wanna get better but it keeps getting worse.

Username: dshbbpodshbbpo

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

this has been the most difficult theme for me to cope with. i am also biracial which throws another wrench in things. i just try to maintain kindness and politeness in my interactions and accept the results. i think i have made many people think i’m racist which hurts. but when i think of the actual interactions i haven’t caused much actual harm. i hate it but i have to accept the rest for what it is. a racist wouldn’t be conscious of their shortcomings or trying to improve. i’m so sorry you have to face this

Username: sophieeeeeeisfine sophieeeeeei...

Date posted: 1y ago

THANK YOU OH MY GOD it’s so good to know I’m not the only one who feels this! Especially the thing about liking posts and such. I also feel terrible because I know my guilt as a white person does nothing to combat racism or make up for the oppression so many face. I have been involved in activism from a young age and want to keep doing that. I am going to university and hope to study race, gender, and systemic inequality to hopefully make a difference. But my OCD has me questioning everything and exhausting me to the point of taking me away from the important work I want to be a part of.

Username: geldaofzeldageldaofzelda

Date posted: 1y ago

@sophieeeeeeisfine The way I relate ridiculously hard???? Like I’ve been trying to get in community with other white people to grow and develop but I have been so worried that I don’t actually care at all about it and I’m doing it for validation and it’s literally so hard I want to be able to care so badly and not want validation for I want to not feel like I’m faking it.

Username: geldaofzeldageldaofzelda

Date posted: 1y ago

No, I understand. Recently I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about me not caring about anything and let me tell you, the way it’s affected my status as an anti-racist has been so bad. I’m constantly thinking that I’m just choosing to not be racist for validation and that I really don’t care about black liberation and I never had the only reason I’m in the community is because I’m doing it for myself and nobody else. I think I’m doing it to just look good and all of that. I purposely ignore things that trigger these thoughts but then I remember how selfish it is to ignore content about BIPOC’s trauma and how it’s still very much a thing in society. It stresses me out so fucking bad bro. You are not alone at all. I can keep telling myself I’m actively working toward a non-racist society, but how do I know how I feel internally? So you aren’t alone at all.

Username: ...5...5

Date posted: 1y ago

It honestly says more to not ignore these issues, cause your actions are doing everything different than your thoughts. At least from my experience. A thoughts a thought and I'm trying to treat it that way

Username: ...5...5

Date posted: 1y ago

@...5 Obviously your ocd is being a liar and telling you you're not an advocate. Mine has definitely pushed me towards being way more of one.

Username: ...5...5

Date posted: 1y ago

Another issue is that my thoughts keep clouding the reasons why I like people of different ethnicities and now I feel like I have to search for what makes them great, because the racist thoughts have taken up so much real estate in my mind.

Username: daffder

Date posted: 4y ago

ive recently started seeing an individual who is a poc and its gotten me really acutely aware of my whiteness. While this is a good thing and encourages unlearning and awareness for me, it also has wreaked havoc on my harm and taboo thinking OCD. I find myself tackling a lot of racist taboo intrusive thinking and it really alarms me. I’m disturbed by these thoughts and disagree with them entirely. but although I know part of it is OCD, i also know that racism is innate in essentially all white folks, and I dont want to use my mental health as an excuse. I’ve mostly been tackling these thoughts on my own because I dont think it should be the persons responsibility, but now I worry that if I dont tell them, I am withholding information and tricking them and that I am bad for it. ive been preoccupied with it and whenever i think about it it makes me feel physically ill. I want to be honest and transparent with them, but I also want them to feel safe, and I can see these thoughts making them feel unsafe. If anyone has any advice it would be appreciated. (Preferably input from people of color willing to discuss this who feel safe/comfy engaging with me on it)

Username: canigetawitness

Date posted: 3y ago

Racism OCD. Thinking I'm a bad person and feel ashamed around POC I know this is going to sound horrible, but I've recently started to worry when I'm around POC, like im an annoyance. I didn't start to worry like this until a few months ago. I don't know what's happened. I notice myself when I'm on a walk or out in public that I'll start to feel anxiety that I'm racist. Or maybe when I see a POC I automatically assume they think I'm racist? I know I'm white and part of the systemic racism problem & that I'm privileged to be a white man. I consider myself to be a Black Lives Matter/People of Color ally. I just don't know why I'm anxious. I'm pretty sure POC around me can tell as well. I don't know why my anxiety has picked up on this. Does anyone else struggle with this?

Username: canigetawitness

Date posted: 3y ago

Convinced I'm a racist, even though it's the complete opposite of my morals & what I believe. - - - - - - I've currently been struggling with something that is going to make me sound like a piece of shit, even I recognize how messed up it's going to sound. Over the past couple months, I have been worrying about the proper way to interact with POC without coming across as racist. I know, this is already awful. I consider myself to be an ally who supports POC & civil rights movements. I'm ashamed of white people honestly, we've oppressed POC from the beginning of time. I'm personally ashamed of my white ethnicity. I've been even more so in the past year. I feel like my OCD has recently attached to this though. At least, I think it has, or maybe it's guilt knowing I'm white and part of systemic racism problem as a whole. When I pass a POC on the street, or in a place of business, I'll immediately start to get thoughts like "Am I coming across as rude? Am I being nice enough? Am I being too nice? Am I smiling too much? Am I smiling enough? Do I look uncomfortable? This isn't about me, so why am I anxious? Stop being so self centered. Are you appearing racist? What if this POC thinks I'm racist? That's awful to assume what they think. Stop making this about you!" And basically the entire time I'm trying to interact with someone of color, I have all this anxious dialogue in my head and I probably physically appear to be anxious, which in turn I'm sure the other person thinks "Why are they acting so tense/afraid?" It's not that I'm afraid, or dislike POC, I'm way too overly cautious, I recognize that, and it's actually coming across as racist. And I don't want to make this about me, because it's not, I can only imagine the racism POC have to endure on a daily basis. It's like my own OCD/anxiety is getting in the way. I hate it. I want to get over it. I don't know why it's coming up, but I want to get past this.

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My current issue that Racism OCD is giving me

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