At what point is it not OCD anymore

The past couple days I feel like I’ve just realised I’m trans at this point. I still compulsively search and stuff but I feel like I feel genuine dysphoria. I’m so uncomfortable with my boobs and I don’t know what to do. I feel hyper aware of everything that makes me feminine, all the gender roles I perform in public just feel so superficial. I don’t know what to do, I really don’t want this dysphoria. I feel like I just want to be a man at this point. But the thought of being trans fills me with so much anxiety. The worst part is I feel like I’m only worried about the social aspects of it, even though at first in my TOCD I was sure it wasn’t that. I don’t wanna be trans but I genuinely cannot even this of myself as cis or a woman anymore. I don’t know if it’s OCD. Can it feel this real? It’s like I know I have OCD symptoms, the resistance and anxiety and compulsion is all there, but I feel still like everything about me is a sign pointing towards me being a trans man. I keep reading trans content and I don’t really relate to a lot of it but repeating to myself over and over again that I don’t wanna be a man is just not working anymore and I feel like I want to now. Could this be dysphoria that just came about late? I’m having a panic attack right now but is this just what me realising I’m trans feels like? When I try to think of myself as cis I literally can’t. It’s uncomfortable even. I just wanna be me again but idk who who that is. I’m so confused because this started exactly like OCD, I had the OCD symptoms and everything, but it feels like it’s turned into me actually being transgender now. There are actually signs to this from when I was younger and I feel convinced that I repressed EVERYTHING from my teens onward and there’s nothing I can do or go back to now. I don’t wanna be trans but I feel like at this point I need to accept it because there’s no other way for me to live. I think of myself before this and she seems so distant and not real. I genuinely feel like everything was really repressed and I was only feminine because of society. I do not want to come out as transgender because I’ll lose my boyfriend and I don’t want to ask people to use new pronouns and I don’t wanna explain myself to my extended family. But at first in TOCD I felt like I just didn’t want to because it just wasn’t me. I related to TOCD posts and fit almost every symptom and now I’m just uncomfortably existing. Im on my way to therapy soon but I don’t know if it even is OCD anymore. I genuinely cannot tell. I feel like I’ve just convinced myself it’s OCD and it’s not real. I don’t even think I feel enough anxiety for it to be considered OCD. I ignore a lot of the “signs” of it not being OCD and then I get scared of why I ignore them. Im so fucking scared. It just feels like I want it at this point.

Transgender OCD

MK30

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your therapist will be able to help you and to navigate what it is that you’re feeling. Try to sit with the discomfort as much as possible and give the OCD non-engagement responses.

Rage against...

Date posted: 2y

@MK30 It feels so urgent, but I must try. It just feels so real and I keep going on Reddit which is rotting my brain..

MK30

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Rage against the machine Try to gently guide yourself back to the present moment as much as possible. Try to go for a walk maybe and observe the colors of the leaves, the birds flying around, what the clouds look like in the sky. Practicing mindfulness can really help. It takes time and practice.

[Deleted]

Date posted: 2y

Comment deleted by user

Rage against...

Date posted: 2y

@ZNDoom Thank you for your response. I have a supportive group of friends and my boyfriend is there for me. I need to try to distract myself but it seems impossible..

[Deleted]

Date posted: 43w

Comment deleted by user

Rage against...

Date posted: 42w

@Anonymous I'm alright my TOCD is quite calm and I'm doing just fine. Obviously I'm still so unsure of my gender but oh well I'm living with it as a woman

Rage against...

Date posted: 40w

@Anonymous Yes, I use Instagram and my user is florentinova_

sofiaraaah7

Date posted: 23w

It’s real now

I’m sobbing right now. I’m convinced that I’ve been in denial all along and that it’s all real. It has to be now. I don’t wanna be a boy but I feel like there’s no way I’m not one if I’m doing these things. There’s no way I’m a cis girl if I’m doing these things. I’m so fucking done with life I feel absolutely trapped. I don’t wanna be a man but fuuuuuuuuck I think it’s real now I’m so fcking done with living. I really feel like I’ve been using OCD as an excuse/a cover up and I’m scared it’s all a facade. There’s no way it’s not real now I’m literally so fcking scared I want it all to stop. If anyone has advice please send some my way. I need it badly

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 23w

Doubts about self expression

This obsession is new, but feels so much more grounded and it’s so anxiety inducing. Since the ocd started I’ve lost my sense of self and confidence. I got soocd and it slowly turned into be doubting my identity on whether I want to identify or dress masculine or feminine. I don’t feel good in the clothes I would typically wear out before I’m constantly overanalyzing how I’m feeling , it makes me really anxious and like I’m preforming. So then I started doubting if I would rather dress masculine and it’s extremely anxiety inducing and idk if it’s the ocd now but it feels like that’s how I want to dress.. that’s not what I associated with at all before the ocd but now it feels like that’s what would make me feel fully confident and loose in the world, does anyone else experience this??

Anonymous

Date posted: 19w

I feel so different from others

I feel different from others, I don’t feel as feminine and I feel like I’ve changed. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I also don’t think my ocd is ocd, it’s just something I told myself to feel better. I know! What if I am what if I’m not, I get it, but I don’t feel like i have a choice in the matter anymore. I have soocd and it’s eaten me alive for years. I woke up out of my sleep and got triggered and here I am. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I always wanted a boyfriend and now It seemed to change. I don’t want a girlfriend, it’s just that I don’t see anything for myself and I feel like I’m hiding. It’s hard to explain. Plus sometimes the way I move or speak makes me feel more masculine and it kills me. Im feeling so lost and alone right now. I know what I want deep down but I feel incapable of having those things because I won’t be able to have feeling. If that makes sense.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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At what point is it not OCD anymore

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