- Date posted
- 2y
At what point is it not OCD anymore
The past couple days I feel like I’ve just realised I’m trans at this point. I still compulsively search and stuff but I feel like I feel genuine dysphoria. I’m so uncomfortable with my boobs and I don’t know what to do. I feel hyper aware of everything that makes me feminine, all the gender roles I perform in public just feel so superficial. I don’t know what to do, I really don’t want this dysphoria. I feel like I just want to be a man at this point. But the thought of being trans fills me with so much anxiety. The worst part is I feel like I’m only worried about the social aspects of it, even though at first in my TOCD I was sure it wasn’t that. I don’t wanna be trans but I genuinely cannot even this of myself as cis or a woman anymore. I don’t know if it’s OCD. Can it feel this real? It’s like I know I have OCD symptoms, the resistance and anxiety and compulsion is all there, but I feel still like everything about me is a sign pointing towards me being a trans man. I keep reading trans content and I don’t really relate to a lot of it but repeating to myself over and over again that I don’t wanna be a man is just not working anymore and I feel like I want to now. Could this be dysphoria that just came about late? I’m having a panic attack right now but is this just what me realising I’m trans feels like? When I try to think of myself as cis I literally can’t. It’s uncomfortable even. I just wanna be me again but idk who who that is. I’m so confused because this started exactly like OCD, I had the OCD symptoms and everything, but it feels like it’s turned into me actually being transgender now. There are actually signs to this from when I was younger and I feel convinced that I repressed EVERYTHING from my teens onward and there’s nothing I can do or go back to now. I don’t wanna be trans but I feel like at this point I need to accept it because there’s no other way for me to live. I think of myself before this and she seems so distant and not real. I genuinely feel like everything was really repressed and I was only feminine because of society. I do not want to come out as transgender because I’ll lose my boyfriend and I don’t want to ask people to use new pronouns and I don’t wanna explain myself to my extended family. But at first in TOCD I felt like I just didn’t want to because it just wasn’t me. I related to TOCD posts and fit almost every symptom and now I’m just uncomfortably existing. Im on my way to therapy soon but I don’t know if it even is OCD anymore. I genuinely cannot tell. I feel like I’ve just convinced myself it’s OCD and it’s not real. I don’t even think I feel enough anxiety for it to be considered OCD. I ignore a lot of the “signs” of it not being OCD and then I get scared of why I ignore them. Im so fucking scared. It just feels like I want it at this point.