Ro__

Date posted: 2y

Feeling hopeless

What’s the point of it all if your never able to be happy because your in constant fear? It’s very hard not to be depressed, there is literally nothing I like about myself, the constant swarm of anxious thoughts leaves me so irritable and frustrated, I’m not the person I want to be at all. I have no one, I talk to no one about my fears because it’s so misunderstood. The only person I reach out to is my partner and I think he’s honestly tired of hearing it, and doesn’t know what to do to help. I feel like I’m doing more harm then good, I have a 6 month old and all I’ve ever wanted to be is a mother but I can’t help but feel disconnected from him mostly because my theme revolves around him and it’s hard to be with him and not feel so triggered. Sad is an understatement, I feel so stuck and hopeless and worn out. All I want is to lay in bed forever and cry but being a mother I don’t have time for that so I push on always feeling this weight, and always feeling overwhelmed. I want so badly for things to get better 😞

McDucko

Date posted: 2y

Do you have a therapist that can help you with ERP and maybe some CBT? That and maybe medication will perhaps make a huge difference. Having a child that young is definitely a hard addition to work around when you are suffering.

Ro__

Date posted: 2y

@McDucko I’ve been doing erp for almost two months now, honestly I’m almost afraid it’s doing more harm then good. By this point I was hoping to see Atleast some progress but after my last really hard exposure I feel worse. I’m afraid to get on medication because I’m breastfeeding, it’s all been very very tough.

McDucko

Date posted: 2y

@Ro__ How is your self-worth? Maybe you need an approach that changes your thoughts patterns.

Ro__

Date posted: 2y

@McDucko I have no self worth, I feel like I have no redeeming qualities anymore. So physically self conscious post baby, I’m constantly irritable and frustrated because I can’t shut my brain off. I always feel like my son deserves better and I’m not a good mom or partner, I have no love for myself right now.

McDucko

Date posted: 2y

@Ro__ Maybe your therapist should consider doing some CBT stuff to bring your self-esteem up. That's a huge factor in getting better. If you don't have a reason to get better it can be hard to get out of a spiral. Think about it, ERP is hard depressing work. Why would anyone put themselves through it unless they had motivation to be better? It's another way the brain sabotages itself.

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I've been feeling alone so similar to how you describe feeling. My wife doesn't understand me and triggers me and I trigger her. I'm here hoping someone will understand me and I won't be alone anymore.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

Feeling alone as well

Bremilly

Date posted: 2y

I’m not sure what your specific wants are for yourself so when you say you ‘don’t like yourself’ or that you ‘don’t think you’re the person you want to be’ I’m not sure how to help- I think maybe examining these yourself and giving realistic expectations/ looking objectively & logically could help. You said you always dreamt of being a mother ( I also want to be one so bad ) I know I always hear how extremely hard everything can be for the months following the birth. Your brain needs to even out and it sounds like you also are not getting the time and care you need for yourself. If you need time to destress and not feel so overwhelmed then maybe your partner should step up and care for the baby too. You said in the comments you are scared of medication because you don’t want to hurt your baby and to me that on it’s own shows how much you care for your child to put their needs above your own, but I do hope you can find other methods of caring for yourself !

Ro__

Date posted: 2y

@Bremilly Thank you for your response. I know I love my son but for months now I haven’t felt super close to him because I constantly worry about him and it’s triggering being around him. I also worry he doesn’t have attachment to me which breaks my heart. My partner is a big help but it’s very hard for me not to step in when my son is upset or not feel guilty when I’m not constantly with him. I knew this would be an adjustment but I just didn’t think it would look like this for me. I never imagined this is the place I’d be in when I got what I wanted most 😞

Mmmmbbb4

Date posted: 2y

I’m praying for you 🙏🏼 I hope things get better for you..

NotAnonymous

Date posted: 2y

Im in the same boat. Adding to patenting responsibilities and it feels like a mo win situation.

Ro__

Date posted: 2y

@NotAnonymous It is definitely overwhelming, I’m sorry it’s been tough for you as well!

NotAnonymous

Date posted: 2y

@Ro__ I completely understand. I wanted my child badly as well and never thought OCD would spiral and affect the relationship. OCD definitely attacks what you love the most.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 16w

I don’t want to do this anymore

I’m struggling so much, I don’t know what’s changed. I was doing so well for a solid two months and now it’s been over a month of just my lowest point. My bf has gotten upset at how much I do compulsions and it’s taxing him too. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be my partner right now. I feel exhausted I’m tired of my OCD finding new things to obsess or worry over. I’m so TIRED of getting stuck on technicalities. I’m so exhausted with the constant intrusive thoughts and intrusive thinking. I’m so sick of how compulsive I get when I’m so riddled with anxiety. I don’t want to keep pushing. It feels pointless if my life is going to be a constant loop of ups and extreme lows. I feel like such a disgusting, embarrassing person. I don’t want love because I don’t feel like I deserve it. I don’t want patience or understanding because it makes me feel so guilty. Like no one is understanding how bad of person I could truly be. I’m so lost and tired of this

avantika 🪻

Date posted: 14w

Rant...

I just feel like therapy isn’t working… like I get to talk about myself and understand myself… but I’m already incredibly self aware. My therapist thought I was like 5 years older than I am… and she gives me such basic strategies that do absolutely nothing for me. And a psychiatrist prescribed me with Zoloft… but I don’t know if T want to take medication. I’m scared of side effects… and I’m scared of getting better… I’m scared of letting my guard down. I know it will make me less cautious which makes me less likely to push myself to perfection like I currently do, which I can’t have happen. Every time I talk to my mom about it, she’s always like “Let’s talk about this some other time, I’m busy with other things”, and then never remembers. But in the rare moments we do talk about it, she treats it like I’m signing up to be a drug addict. I also feel very guilty for spending so much of my parents’ money- therapy… medication… etc… and also the idea of my being unlovable is so deeply engraved in my brain… I genuinely, truly believe it. No therapy or medication can fix it. I can’t change my mind. My therapist tells me my misophonia is not a “deal-breaker” and that someone would be lucky to have me as a partner… but then why hasn’t anyone ever liked me? My own FAMILY can’t stand me. How do I believe something I know isn’t true? That’s even harder to accept than me being unlovable. I can’t see someone loving me. And it is so incredibly exhausting to seek love,e I know I cannot have. My sister says, “It will get better with age…” It has only ever gotten worse. To the point I don’t want to get better. It has reached the severity where I feel more safe and successful with anxiety. My past 3 birthdays have been me wishing for therapy. And now I have therpay- and medication, the potential key… and I refuse? Am I too deep in? I cant get out, it’s too late. How did absolutely no one notice how much I had and have been hurting? Why did no one listen to my cries or worries? I feel really depressed and hopeless right now. It takes so much effort to get up every day… I’m so tired.

nae nae

Date posted: 14w

Tired of feeling like a bad person

I genuinely can't help but feel irredeemable over every little mistake made or regret I've had. It's so up and down, but I just miss the certainty. Knowing "this is who I am." I'm so disconnected from myself. Like, I'm really, really trying. Today is really rough... I got triggered the other night, and it's been hell since. I've been fighting seeking reassurance. I want it so, so incredibly bad, but I know it won't help me :( Some days, I just don't want to be here. It's funny because yesterday I felt amazing until I got triggered. I just immediately spiraled after that. I don't know. Does it genuinely get better? Will therapy really help me? Sometimes, I think maybe this is the best it'll get, and that scares me. Sorry for the vent. I'm just feeling so overwhelmingly anxious right now. I can't even cry (due to Zoloft). It feels claustrophobic somehow, having all these emotions trapped inside of my body with nowhere to go 😭

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