Me going trough my snapchat memories and my photos from my life before hocd: ???????????????????? ???????????? Am i the only one who goes trough those and just wish that they could be there even if it was just for a sec and you compare yourself to how happy u were there and how sad you are now and u just even get more sad. The times before hocd were pure gold for me. Like they mean so freaking much to me now. Im so thankful for all the good times i had before this hell called hocd broke loose.

do y’all ever look back at memories from your camera roll and come across the time in your life when things were really bad? because when i do, i just feel so sad for the mental state i was drowning in. not that i’m not still, but i have more perspective on it so i’m able to manage it more. but a couple years ago, i rarely left my bed because of how depressed i had gotten. what’s worse is during that time, i had wished that i wanted to unalive myself. but there was never a point when i did want to so it made me upset because i had no way out if i couldn’t handle it anymore. however, i think that’s a blessing in disguise because i was thankfully able to get out of that dark period. i’m still experiencing terrible anxiety, but because i have those times to reflect on and remember i made it through, it’s motivating.

Have any other experienced mentally going through your past, and finding proof that you once looked at that masculine woman and thought she looked good or something, and now that is a total trigger for you. I mean, i have always been romantacally and saxual into men, and never have i ever wanted to be in a sexual relationship with a girl, that thought is really distressing to me, and actually makes me so sad. But these mentally reviewings has me finding episodes where i have looked at a masculine woman, and found her pretty, attractive or something. But they all looked like men .. and again, i could never see myself being sexual or haven a romantically relationsship with a woman, even thought she look like a man .. Have any other in here find themself in this endless tourturing loop, where you find proof of things … I mean, i have one thousands proofs that im into men, i have been in a relationship for 8 years new, but still these other pictures make me doubt everything about myself, and i am really sad .. Please tell me, that anyone else in here have experienced this, and know that it is normal for HOCD ..

I had a best friend middle school. We were friends for a long time and I can guarantee with 100% certainty that not once did I ever have any crush or romantic feelings for her. No matter how much I analyze it, I can’t find any trace of romantic feelings. However what is eating me alive right now, is a time where she was showing me a martial arts move and I was VERY uncomfortable. I’m not really a touchy person even with friends I’ve never been comfortable with hugging or anything like that. Even if i’m very comfortable with that friend I just don’t like to be touchy feely. But when she was showing me her martial arts moves I immediately got very uncomfortable and stiff especially because to my brain it was like a sexual position and I didn’t like it. So as I sat there full of discomfort she was sitting on my groin and my focus went to my groin and I felt a tingle. I immediately got up and just felt disgusted and again, UNCOMFORTABLE. Yk that uncomfortable distressing feeling you get with a groinal response? that’s how it felt. I don’t remember what happened after but it never changed my sexuality or how I viewed her. I completely forgot about it and we remained friends for a little while in high school but nothing ever changed. Now that my OCD has latched onto my childhood exploration/reaction to sexual content/porn use/ false memories/this particular memory/ and me mistaking a cartoon character and masc lesbian as men, I have been going actually insane. Before my spiral i completely forgot ab all of this. It didn’t mean anything to me and changed nothing. The logical side of my brain tells me I’m obsessing over nothing, my real genuine feelings i’ve had for men all my life and the ones I felt for my boyfriend after years of numbness, are the real me. But my OCD is telling me it HAS to mean something that i know nothing about myself. But what tf does ocd know if even when I had no attraction and had absolutely 0 libido(still happening but worse now) I was in my mans car 2 months ago literally wanting him to kiss me, feeling a thick layer of attraction for him, admiring his smile and his eyes, and this was when my mind was clear and ocd let wasn’t fully running my life. I feel my mind and body shutting down again. I’m going back to that fully numb place again. It’s crazy because I felt like I was slowly defeating OCD a couple months ago. The feelings I felt for my (now) boyfriend after years of feeling nothing were coming back and made me feel like I could fight this. Now I feel like everything is ruined again. I miss how I used to feel about my man. I’m going crazy again I FUCKING HATE THIS. I used to be able to tune this out and enjoy my time with him but not anymore. This is consuming me again. The checking, rumination, mental reviewing, analyzing, reassurance, hyper awareness, the numbness, loss of attraction, the fucking debilitating anxiety IS DRIVING ME INSANE. I’m questioning everything I do and feel, even the good feelings I have with my boyfriend. I miss who i was 2 months ago even if it was still slightly controlled by ocd, I had hope. My posts when the spiral was barely started showed how much hope I had. Now i have lost it. I feel anxious and like a liar when I call, text, or am round him when it used to give me peace. I just reminisce thinking about our early dates and I feel like those feelings are fully lost. I don’t wish this type of pain on anyone.